Scaling Back and Some Whining
Sounds good doesn’t it? Scaling back. Getting my life in order. Doing what really matters. Quality time.
When I first quit my job in 2003, I thought I’d freelance and earn a proper living doing it. I knew it was the right thing to do for my son, who was a little over a year old then.
I thought I’d would be able to take him to the park, have picnic lunches in the back yard, keep him on a reasonable sleep/wake schedule, have time for myself to read, work-out, be happy. I fantasized about writing–maybe knocking out that novel that’s been running around in the back of my head. I had plans to take some art classes at the junior college. I fantasized about having a clean house. Sure, it would probably still have kid clutter everywhere, but grime and dust would no longer muck up my home, I reasoned.
So, how am I doing?
Well some of what I thought would happen did happen. I did spread out the picnic blanket on the lawn a few times. I’ve been here for my son … well, way more than I would have been if I were still working 50 hours per week in Roseville. I’m (theoretically) able to put him in the kind of day care that I approve of.
The flip side: I work nearly every night, often till 11 or 12. I ignore my husband when I have a deadline. I “scale back” and sacrifice order in my home for my clients and this place starts looking like a bomb went off in here. When I’m on my computer, Lucas sometimes plays nicely and sometimes runs completely amok. Yesterday I found him with marker pen all up and down his left arm and both sides of his hand because I was on the phone doing corrections with an author and designer. The day before, he ate who knows how much play dough when I wasn’t looking.
It’s probably the time of year—or it’s partly the time of year—But I’m feeling pretty beat down. I have a project that won’t die. I have a project that’s going to be late because of the project that won’t die. I’m pretty much ignoring both Lucas and Ian. I shove my kid out the door everyday and hope for the best. (At least he’s with friends today.)
I’m just plain tired. And I’ve even turned down something like 5 projects in the last two weeks. I just can’t manage any more.
So, do I have any time for myself? No, not a drop. Not a whit. I’m doing great on days when I get to shower. I’m off my eating plan because I don’t have time to go to the grocery store. I haven’t exercised in months and months. I don’t read. I’m stealing time just to write this complaint right now.
So does anybody who (amazingly) has managed to read this far know of a housekeeper who might clean out a mucky fridge?
I'm a busy freelance editor and writer, wife to Ian, and mother to two precious boys. I am living each day to the fullest and with as much grace, creativity, and patience as I can muster.
"Love doesn't just sit there like a stone; it has to be made, like bread, remade all the time, made new." —Ursula K. LeGuinn
