November 28, 2005

We have been out of town the last two weekends. It was so lovely to escape our routine, our work, our deadlines, and our same four walls. Over the weekend of November 18-20, we visited Monterey with our friends Kelly and Ambrosia. Ambrosia is now 2 and a half years old and is cute as a bug’s ear.

We grown-ups finally spent enough time together to really get to know one another. The car time wasn’t very comfortable because we all squeezed into Kelly’s Prius (I was between the two enormous car seats in the back), but it saved us lots of money on gas! Plus we were able to socialize while traveling on the way there and back, instead of just meeting up in Monterey.

The kids really enjoyed the Monterey Bay Aquarium, as did I. I really love it there and think they’ve done a marvelous job on the exhibits. As usual, my favorites were the jellies and the kelp forest. Kelly is very fond of the sea otters. Ian enjoys the hammer-head sharks because they are so absurd. Lucas surprised me by claiming that the sharks and the tunas in the “Outer Bay” exhibit were his favorite animals. We happened to see a photograph of a shark caught in a net in one of the hands-on kids’ exhibits. Ambrosia seemed kind of stuck on that image and kept talking about the shark caught in the net. Both Lucas and Ambrosia enjoyed touching the animals in the touch pools. Outside, by the bay, Lucas enjoyed a long game of air basketball.

We pretty much spent all day Saturday at the Aquarium. The kiddos ate PB&J sandwiches that we brought from our hotel. Ambrosia crashed out and slept on her mom at around 3 pm, so she and Kelly just chilled for a while on a bench while Ian and Lucas and I continued on our tour. Lucas didn’t nap, so by the end of the day, after some pub food for dinner, he was exhausted and cranky.

The only bad part to the whole weekend was that Lucas had a hard time getting along with Ambrosia. He poked her in the eye on purpose once when he was mad; pulled her hair another time. Unfortunately, we didn’t have two of every single thing we brought for the kids to do, so each of them was extremely interested in whatever the other child had, and yet fundamentally opposed to trading. I found myself mothering in such a way as to protect Ambrosia from my kid’s temper and rough hands, which was new and rather unsettling to me. (I guess I identify more with the underdog–the kid who’s picked on, rather than the kid who picks on others, so I felt sort of at a loss about how to teach Lucas to control himself.) We kept telling him to walk away when he was mad. He managed to do it right a few times.

Developmentally, the two children are in rather opposite phases. Lucas’s imagination is so turned on right now that he shifts fluidly from one pretend-play scenario to another. Sometimes it’s hard to keep up with who or what he is at any given moment. For Ambrosia, on the other hand, pretending is less pronounced and she stays in a particular scenario for longer periods of time. Lucas is used to playing with his friends at preschool, who assign each other roles all the time. So, he would assign a role to Ambrosia, such as “You’re seventeen, Ambrosia, and I’m eighteen.” But she would shout “No Lucas, I’m not! You stop it!” Heated arguments ensued. This really wasn’t any fun when I was in between the two of them in the car! Other things they argued about: The oil refinery we passed was a castle to Ambrosia but a light house to Lucas (it has lights all over it). The semi trucks driving on the highways were trains to Ambrosia but trucks to Lucas (who used to call them trains when he was 2 and a half years old, too).

It’s also disturbing to hear Lucas say loudly that he doesn’t like Ambrosia, well within her and her mother’s hearing. Kids can be so mean. What’s weird is that he seems particularly challenged by this little girl, in a way that I’ve not seen before with any other child. He gets along great with the other 2-year-olds he knows. I suspect it has something to do with the fact that Ambrosia’s language is well developed, and she stands up to him verbally. I think the other younger kids he knows don’t do that, so Lucas is able to think fondly of them as his “baby sisters” and “baby brothers.”

Anyway, after a rocky start to Sunday, we went to the Lovers’ Point park (http://virtualguidebooks.com/CentralCalif/MontereyPeninsula/LoversPoint/LoversPointLawn.html) and played on the beach and in the park. The weather was perfect the whole time we were there, in fact, I forgot to bring shorts or bathing trunks/suits. Lucas got soaked by the waves in his sweatpants. The sun shone. The waves crashed. We played tag. It was great!

We are now home from a lovely long weekend in Eureka/Arcata. The ocean is still there. The redwoods are still there. It rains in the rainforest.

And thankfully, my home is still here. I blissfully slept the night away in my own comfy bed, while my son slept in a separate room.

I will post more about our recent travels later.

From http://www.bostonuk.com/names/
Sara = Princess, Hebrew
Peaceful, poised and understanding you do not let anyone or anything disturb your innate calm. You are tolerant of others no matter how their behaviours or beliefs differ from your own. Not attached to material or worldly affairs you are free to express your true self. Displaying great wisdom and serenity people are naturally drawn to you for guidance and counsel. Your courage and presence of mind see you through any adversity.

Sarabella
You are a visionary with courage and enthusiasm if a little hasty at times. Your ambitious nature can be satisfied when you apply wisdom, patience and self-discipline to your vitality and zest. You have wonderful way with words and may be drawn to the communications arena where there is the potential for great success. Your generous and warm nature attracts many friends and loved ones.

Ian = God is gracious
You have a charismatic and magnetic personality which others cannot help but be drawn to ensuring you of many friends. Very ambitious your keen perceptive powers and ability to absorb knowledge helps you to achieve your objectives. You are a strong willed and industrious worker who is prepared to earn all the material success and good fortune which comes your way. With a philosophical attitude happiness is assured.

Lucas = Light, Latin
Charming, witty, original and idealistic you have a creative and inventive mind with great intuition. Your broad vision, perceptive powers and compassion gives you an instinctive understanding of peoples needs. You are a natural leader who has a talent for inspiring and teaching others and always display fairness, honesty and integrity. You are always seeking a new challenge for your vast creative potential.

William = Resolute protector, Teutonic

Honest, dependable and practical you tend to have a fairly conservative but determined approach to life. Your intelligence and wisdom means that you are sought out for guidance and advice. Gifted in communication you are philosophical and intuitive and are usually a traveller both mentally and physically. People respect you for your patience, discretion and integrity.

Sydney = From St.Denis, France. French

Very much the individual you have enormous energy and vision and must find a suitable use for your talents. You have great potential for success in business if you can guard against indecision and worry. Your generous nature means that you are never short of friends and with cooperation your relationships can be very rewarding. Perseverance and firm decision making will ensure you achieve your objectives.

Jonathan = God’s gift, Hebrew
Very much the individual you have enormous energy and vision and must find a suitable use for your talents. You have great potential for success in business if you can guard against indecision and worry. Your generous nature means that you are never short of friends and with cooperation your relationships can be very rewarding. Perseverance and firm decision making will ensure you achieve your objectives.

Sara
Mommy
daughter
dental patient with receding gums
freelance editor
negotiator
taxi driver
fine-paying library user
mommy cat
mommy dog
mommy bird
fish
project manager
Cinderella
Briar Rose
friend
tap dancer
ballerina
monster
dragon
teleconferencer
cook
storyteller
small-boy rocker
doctor
scrubber
sweeper
late-night worker

and,
hopefully …

wife.

Cheap-ass, aerosol hairspray removes blue, Bic ballpoint-pen ink from valuable wood, such as hardwood floors and coffee tables. Spray generously and dab with a clean cloth.

I have yet to learn whether it takes ink off little boys’ hands and faces.

I visited to the wonderland that is the Kindergarten classroom at Sacramento Waldorf School for an orientation program. I had never been in the room before; I’ve only peeked over the fence to view the play yard. It was more dreamy and beautiful than I could have imagined. It was also very familiar, and I now see that the preschools Lucas has attended have modeled their design and décor on this perfect, enchanting classroom.

There are two Pre-Kindergarten/Kindergarten classes there (both comprising a mix of 4-, 5-, and 6-year-olds), and the two master teachers explained Waldorf education and provided a taste of the flavor, philosophy, and rhythm of their classes to a room full of curious, convinced, and/or skeptical parents.

After providing an overview of Waldorf education from Pre-K to 12th grade and the philosophy behind it, the teachers took us through a typical Kindergarten day. Then we got to participate in a typical circle-time—the very one that the students are currently experiencing each day at this time of year. It was a beautiful ritual/dance, with songs and poems, movement, emotion, and storytelling. Some of the parents looked uncomfortable, some wore rapt expressions on their faces. Some burly dads and pinched-looking moms followed the teacher with grace and devotion to the very end.

When circle-time ended, we were on our knees with hands resting in our laps. I didn’t mean to do it—it just slipped out of my mouth before I could stop it: “I want to go to Kindergarten!”

Everyone laughed at me.

Went to Former Employer’s office today. Did an hour and a half’s worth of work. Schmoozed. Had lunch with MrPlanet4, which was fun but would have been more fun if the bosslady hadn’t been there too. Waited around while the tech overhauled my computer system—for FREE. That’s nice! I have spanking-new programs that would have cost me a gazillion bucks to upgrade—so much that I probably wouldn’t ever have done it. (I’m sure Former Employer paid for the tech’s time, so it wasn’t really free, for reals.)

Got to preschool to pick up Lucas LATE because I was waiting for the tech to finish. Miss J didn’t seem too pissed though. I wonder if she is keeping a mental or paper tally of days when I’m late picking him up. I wonder if there’s a magic number and when I reach the limit I’ll have to pay for my flaky transgressions.

Lucas had a great day. He was very cheerful even though he didn’t nap long enough. It’s weird when the high-tech pull ups fail. Makes me wonder, what the heck was wrong with that one? Was it pointed in the wrong direction or something?

So, there’s new stuff on my computer (thanks for picking it up, Ian) and I’m now spending time reinstalling printers, software, etc. But hey—a single non-productive day is worth the technology boon.

I frequently find myself wishing that I had more time for myself away from Lucas. I want more time for me and Ian to be together. More time for romance and more time for quiet and more time without anybody demanding that I serve his every need and whim. Sometimes I get so frustrated I just want to flee into the night.

Motherhood is constant. It’s ever-present and unshakable. I don’t remember what my life was like before it, except for some vague feeling that I used to do what I pleased. In order to escape it for even a little while, I have to rely on others to do the caretaking, and then get naughty, or altered, or both to push the mothermind aside and see what’s underneath it. Sara, are you in there? And if I succeed in uncovering myself, even then, at first light, while my head is pounding and I rub the sleep out of my eyes, my first thought is, “Where’s my baby? Is he OK? When can I see him again?”

When Lucas and I are reunited, it’s like two magnets rushing to join. Ecstasy lights his face.

Push and pull, ebb and flow. The ocean in which I swim is deep.

Since college, I haven’t really paid much attention to gender issues. My women’s studies classes were 12 years ago. My mind and heart are open to people being who they want to be.

Now that I have a preschooler teaching me instead of college profs, gender is back on the table for analysis. Few concepts are as important to preschoolers as gender. For kids in this age-group, it’s very important to know the differences between mommies and daddies, girls and boys. Usually, girls automatically gravitate toward girly toys and games (dolls, tea parties) while boys usually gravitate toward trains/cars, construction, mud/sand/rocks, and bashing things. Girls often play mostly with girls, and boys, with boys. This is usually considered to be because of some combination of nature and nurture.

Lately, Lucas would much prefer it if you call him a girl. He’ll tell you, flat out, he’s a girl. If you accidentally call him a boy, as in “You are being a very polite boy,” or “Come to dinner, little man,” he argues with you. Loudly. He’s frustrated by even the slightest suggestion that he’s a boy. This is somewhat startling when you first hear it. The grandparents are confused. Some of them are bothered and attempt to argue with him about it. This only makes Lucas more stubborn and determined to be a girl. I’ve even heard one grandparent say, “It’s OK to pretend, but you’re really a boy.” (This is curious to me. If he pretends too hard, will he actually become a girl? For reals?)

Ian and I are OK with Lucas’s gender bending exploration. We realize that it’s a phase that he’s in, and that it may have a lot to do with the fact that most of his best pals are girls. When Lucas plays pretend lately, he is often pretending to be a princess, a mermaid, a 5 1/2-year-old girl, a teenage girl, sometimes even a ballerina. We have casually mentioned that there are boy princes, boy mer…boys, and powerful boy ballet dancers. These proffered male substitutes do not matter, do not entice or appeal; they just aren’t who he is.

The pretending is going on all in his head—which is a dumb-sounding thing to say, I realize. What I mean is that he’s shown virtually no interest in dressing up (with the one exception of the plastic tiara I just bought for myself—this I had to fight him for), makeup, or playing girly games like I mentioned above. It’s like he doesn’t yet notice the trappings of gender. He knows mommy wears makeup and jewelry. (So does daddy, sometimes.)

And I must admit, I’m enjoying the fact that he doesn’t notice that the other kids in his dance class on Saturday mornings are all girls, or that they all wear pink tutus and pink ballet slippers. I signed him up for dance so he can explore and enjoy movement, develop his body, coordination, balance, and other gross motor skills. He hasn’t been told (yet) that “dance class is for girls!” (Can you hear the taunting schoolyard tone when you read that?)

So, my little girl Lucas goes to dance class one hour a week, pretends to be a mermaid, prefers the company and assistance of mommy to daddy, and spends every moment she can playing with trains, dirt, sticks, and mud.

The only thing that bothered me a little was when Lucas sat on the toilet and lamented, “I don’t want to have a penis.” I console myself with the knowledge that he doesn’t yet know what it’s for; I’m pretty sure he’ll change his mind someday.

It’s over now. The happy jack-o-lanterns we made are commencing to rot. The candy that we never did manage to leave out in a bowl on our front step is still in the cupboard. The costume lies in a heap by the door. But, oh, was it grand!

This year’s Halloween was pretty mellow: no grown-up parties to attend, no costumes for me and Ian to don. Although Lucas flirted with the ideas of being an elephant or a farmer, it was good ol’ Thomas the Tank Engine who won out. Again. He was Thomas last year. So, we didn’t even have to make a new costume for Lucas. We simply stuffed him into 3T overalls instead of last year’s 2T overalls, threw the train costume over his head, and marched out the door. We even attended the same “festivities” as last year.

I hardly paid any attention as the days crept toward the holiday. Although we did manage to make two very fun trips to two pumpkin farms with friends (thanks, T and E and K!) in October. Very few preparations were necessary. Even so, I woke up the morning of Halloween with a wacky and sudden urge to decorate, throw a party, buy presents, and wear a costume… We didn’t have our pumpkins carved. I quit working an hour early to cut off their tops and scoop out their guts, so that Lucas and I could carve them in the single hour of free time between getting home from preschool and leaving for the night’s adventures.

The Pumpkin Path at Sacramento Waldorf School is still going strong. It is a wonderful alternative to trick-or-treating. The children and the parents follow an angel guide along a pathway lit by luminaires and jack-o-lanterns. It’s non-spooky, which is very appropriate for my little one, beautiful and leaves a lasting impression. The path leads to a number of living dioramas or scenes with live actors (high school kids and parents). They enact a portion of a story, say some verse, and sing. At each station, the children receive a gift—a trinket or treasure or toy to keep.

This year, we invited Kelly and Ambrosia to join us. Lucas was a little intimidated at first by the actors. It’s a lot to meet imposing King Arthur, Sir Lancelot, and Guinevere right at the start. The king asked the children for their pledge to be courageous and honorable. Lucas was a little withdrawn and nervous for the first half of the walk, but gradually relaxed into it. Ambrosia (dressed as a bumble bee) loved it, and wasn’t the least bit shy. She kept saying, “Where’s MY Angel Guide?”

Along the way, we met King Arthur and cronies, Johnny Appleseed, Robin Hood and hoodlums, a farmer with living scarecrows, a Lakota woman who told a story, cowboys and cowgirls, a Mexican household of women, Alice and the mad, mad tea party, a circus, a leprechaun, some bakers, and more. We came home with the following treasures and treats: a golden egg, a gold chocolate coin, a wooden spinning top, and eagle feather, a necklace with a sun pendant, liberated and redistributed jewels from Robin Hood, popcorn, a scone, gingerbread, a bandana, a tiny doll, and other items. It took about an hour to walk the whole way.

We met the two smallest Bs and Parnasus there afterward. The kiddos were tired when we were done, but Lucas and Ian and I pressed on to my parents’ house, where Lucas got to trick-or-treat in the normal fashion. He gobbled about four chocolates down and then melted down emotionally. Time to go home! It was a long and strange night for him, but we still got him in bed by 9.