I’m so busy with work I almost didn’t notice, but sometime this week (August 22nd? 23rd?) marks the seventh anniversary (7th!) of my self-employment.

In August 2003, I left the best job I’ve ever had to stay home with my 1-year-old son, Lucas, because frankly I couldn’t hack leaving him with a nanny every day.

I think I made it all the way to the end of that generous, third “reintegration” month, working three days a week at the office and two days at home. That’s when I realized it’s not normal to cry every day you go to work. (During my morning commute, at my desk, in the bathroom, at lunch, on the way home.) Maybe a little at first—but after three months, it was starting to look less like a “difficult transition” and more like depression.

After a lot of soul searching and a hasty look at my bank account, I threw caution to the wind and quit that great job. It was the right decision for me and my son. It was the right decision for my mental health.

I left to go freelance with no freelance experience. No savings. No contacts. No babysitting. Not one tiny clue how to run a business. And it was seven years ago! Did I mention that part already?

I’ve had some really hard years. I’ve had a few spectacular years. I’ve had many, many late nights working and I’ve lost many weekends to my projects. I’ve had seasonal work with ultra-busy months and dreadfully slow months. I’ve had hundreds of days with my kids that I would not otherwise have had. I say yes to stinky projects sometimes. I am occasionally so busy I have to say no to gems.

I’m the boss. My own boss.

And while I may have a tendency to be nostalgic about those old office days, with old office friends and everything else that went with office life, I’m not sorry.

Because, when you factor in all the various pros and cons, tally all the tick marks, and weight it all up, I now have the best job I’ve ever had.

It’s weird how one can feel opposite feelings about the same thing. For example, I felt both

grateful

and disappointed

about doing this today, on Memorial Day:

So, to care for and console myself, I took a ten-minute break outside in my garden to look at these:

Green and purple hydrangea buds

Squirrel in my pecan tree

Nasturtiums grown from seed

Dusty miller buds about to pop

Pansies

Mexican primrose and African daisies

More nasturtiums grown from seed

Day lily

And now I feel

reenergized

amazed

galvanized

and happy.

Today is my birthday. I’m 38 today, although last year my husband advertised my birthday as my 25th, so maybe this is my 26th? I can live with either, really.

During my 26th year, I was married to the man of my dreams, building life-long friendships, living a mostly carefree, earnest life, and working hard to make it in the world. It was a good year full of good times and good goals. We were building careers. We were saving all the money we could to buy a home together. We were talking about having children.

Yesterday as I was walking home after having dropped Asher off at his preschool, I had a few minutes to reflect on my life. It’s easier to think about such things when the ambient sounds are birdsong instead of little-boy laser-battle sound effects.

Wow. I am really fortunate and REALLY happy!

I don’t always feel happy. Small and big things get me down. I worry. I have anxiety and frustrations and limits that I strain against very often. Sometimes this coat of motherhood that I put on eight years ago feels itchy and too tight in places. Sometimes I get hot under the collar. These feelings I experience are all true, valid, and real.

But what a life we have made for ourselves! For instance, I have time to walk my 3-year-old to school in the morning. I can pick my 8-year-old up from school in the afternoon. I have the freedom to accept the work I want, and most of the time I can turn down the work I don’t want. I haven’t sat in a cubicle for six years. When my young son isn’t with me, he is with his father, a grandmother, or our dear friends of twenty years. Lucas goes to an amazing school, where he is learning every day. I have hobbies now that I never dreamed I’d have, and a garden full of green, growing friends. I’m learning to make things with my hands. I’m developing new interests and skills all the time. Our children are healthy, smart, and vital. We enjoy our family time together. I have talented, loving, patient friends. I’m profoundly in love with my husband and he with me.

It’s a rich and vibrant life and I’m so grateful. I think 38 is just fine.

Work

Things are fine; not too busy at the moment. My two big, long-term projects that I’ve already committed to are on hold, temporarily. The reason sucks: the baby of the editor in charge is very, very ill and undergoing some seriously heavy treatment. Naturally, the editor doesn’t have much time or energy to spare for work. It’s completely understandable. I’m just hoping her baby will be all right.

In the meantime, I’m working on some odd jobs—helping out another DE with some tasks to take some of the burden off her. I’ve been spending time researching photos and reformatting tables. Yes, kind of boring, but also no stress.

I’m also working on a novel development job and it’s turning out to be both educational and rewarding. I think I’m making useful suggestions and my client is happy so far. A little job that disappeared last fall has resurfaced. And I hear that my uncle was pleased with my recent monograph edit. I think I have a strategy guide starting up soon, too.

Lucas

My dear Lucas’s eighth birthday is in less than three weeks! We went kind of all out last year throwing him a super-cool Aliens & Robots birthday party here at our home. We built robots, did crafts, played games, ate alien foods and had an alien birthday cake. The boys all dressed in costumes and it rocked.

This year, the theme Lucas came up with was just too challenging. I tried and tried to figure out a way to do a Secret Agent birthday party for 8-year-olds, but just couldn’t get around the fact that they have NO CONTEXT for spies or secret agents at all—no James Bond, no Cold War, no “Mission Impossible.” No explosions or weapons or special high-tech gadgets (kids are already living in The Future) or grappling hooks or lasers. In a moment of desperation I asked Lucas if he might like to have his party elsewhere, like at a fun place that does birthday parties. He instantly jumped at the idea of Sunrise Rollerland and roller-skating. No hesitation. Really? I used to skate there as a kid in the late ’70s and early ’80s. “Yes, mom! That would be SO COOL!” You don’t have to tell me twice. I booked the party there for May 1st, his birthday.

I am not at all thrilled about the roller-rink pizza that will be served, but they won’t let me bring food. I admit there is a part of me that feels like it’s a cop-out to buy the party (GOOD mommies make birthday cakes , right? Oh. That’s MY script?), but I am also somewhat relieved not to have all that busyness to worry about in the next two weeks.  We made our invitations and sent them out yesterday. The only other thing I have to do is make goodie bags for the party guests.

Asher

Oh Asher! He is so very, very 3 right now. Asher is determined, bold, assertive, demanding, outrageous, talkative, charming, precocious, HUNGRY, and picky. This child knows what he wants at every moment. He is happy and playful, and he uses language beautifully to tell you exactly what he thinks (watch out).

This is not to say that his pronunciation is perfect. In fact, it’s still quite babyish, which I admit I adore. I was so sad when he learned to say “please” with the l sound in there. Some of my favorites are:

binkit (blanket)

stabdabdies (strawberries—this one is on the way out)

beenana (bananna)

Bye, my fends (friends)!

kick-kick, (which is becoming click-click, his name for his pushing Red Flyer wagon)

I need some Mama time. You need some Baby time.

Asher went potty in the toilet four times yesterday; that’s a monumental accomplishment for him (us). He’s finally starting to get the hang of it.

Yesterday at about 6:30 Pacific time: I’m finally one of those people on the airplane using a laptop. I’m maybe halfway through my flight now. The flight was delayed two hours and I didn’t leave SF airport until 3:45. My day has been fine, but a little long. It seems like more of this time should be productive, but there is a lot of waiting to move and when I tried to get Internet service in the airport, both Mozilla Firefox and IE said they couldn’t find the network connection. I could see the free public network, connect to it, but couldn’t surf. Frustrating. My boss has been worrying about my traveling today. The taxi company that’s supposed to pick me up at the airport knows my flight has been delayed.

I’m already missing my family. Yes, I’m having a small adventure. Yes, I got to see snow-covered Rockies out my window. That’s wonderful and I wish I was better at enjoying my time alone. It is a strange unease, though. Kind of like maybe I forgot to bring along two arms and a leg on this trip. There won’t be much time for fun or sightseeing, though. I’m working almost all the hours I’m in New Jersey.

I packed a tiny sewing project with me this time. A few pieces of felt, about six pins, needle and embroidery floss. And Mom lent me the niftiest little device—a little thread cutter with no visible (forbidden) blade. It’s a small brass pendant hanging around my neck. Pull a thread through any of the slots around the edge of the pendant and it goes in past the blade and cuts, just like magic! I am wishing I had had more time at home to cut out all the pieces of felt I need because I’ve already sewn the bulk of what I did bring and now I’ve run out of project. The whole thing was well conceived except for its duration. I didn’t bring along my knitting.

Today 8:30 pm Eastern time: I’m exhausted! After I’m done with writing this I’m calling home and then going to sleep. I didn’t get to my hotel until 1:45 am today. Got 4.5 hours of sleep and then hit the ground running for 8 hours of meeting today, plus a dinner. It all went well and I think this could be an awesome project. I’m kind of wishing that in this room full of PhDs and EDDs that I had more than a BA under my belt. This is textbook publishing, so that stuff matters—kind of. Anyway, everyone is warm and friendly and very knowledgeable.

Tomorrow we meet from 8:30 am to 2:30 pm, then head to the airport. I’ll arrive in Sacramento sometime near midnight—if everything goes perfectly and my two flights aren’t delayed. Rain tomorrow here, but snow in Chicago. Keep your fingers crossed for me.

I’ve only seen a teeny-tiny slice of New Jersey, but what I’ve seen is very pretty. Bare, deciduous woods with snow on the ground, punctuated by gorgeous, big homes. No fences, not much yard, just woods.  I’m truly grateful to be here and to be doing this. I just miss my family and my husband’s strong arms around me. Tomorrow I will rock it, and then I will make a long trek home.

The day started with blueberry smoothies

and Lego construction of video game hardware

Like Wii and DS

That’s all he needs, really—little Lego devices on which he can pin his imaginary games

The boys left to play at our friends’ house and indulge in a little real Wii Sports

Then for me, some light reading: a fundamentals of nursing textbook

I was lured outside for some photography

Gotta catch these plum blossoms before they’re gone

See the little star?

An unexpected visit from Mom and a cup of coffee

More nursing reading on topics of theories of caring, cultural sensitivity, and the ADPIE nursing process

I jogged through the sunshiny neighborhood to pick up the kids from their play date—oh boy, am I out of shape!

Walking/running home with one son in fast, new white trainers and the other wearing the jumpiest pair of firefighter galoshes you’ve ever seen

Second lunch of meat for Baby Asher Dragon

Lunch of leftover vegetable soup for me

A little planting of primroses, which will probably do fine where we put them until it gets too warm

Finding a worm

Watering plants lead to spraying children who cavorted with great glee and got soaking wet

In February!

High of 65° F

Ahhh!

We met a garden foefriend

Who couldn’t find his way off this plate

Dry clothes for everyone

Then a cuddle and some stories; the children are into playing Monkey and Dragon these days, so we read books with, what else?

Monkeys and dragons

Hug (Thanks, Auntie NoNo and Uncle Mars!)

Sky Castle

and—what the hay—a Japanese fairy tale called “Kuzma and the Fox”

Sweet afternoon slumber for the wee one

Lucas and I headed back outdoors for some Winter Olympic Games

Like speed skating, long track

Figure skating

and ice hockey

On the lawn with bare feet!

More work reading

A few moments of  “DragonFly TV” and “Fetch with Ruff Ruffman” on PBS Kids for Lucas

Asher wandered out, crawled into my lap and slept on

So sweet

Cuddling sleeping boys is just about the best thing in the world (unless you have to pee)

“Wake up, Asher, or you’ll never sleep tonight!”

A shower for me

Pretend video games for Lucas

Daddy’s home!

Lucas reading Jamberry to Asher!

Just a tad of stream-of-consciousness blogging

Sounds of some kind of Dragon and Monkey game with lots of sound effects and shouting

Soon, dinner and bedtime

Then project prep

More work reading, like the Roy Adaptation Model

G’night

Sleep tight.

It’s teacher in-service week around here, which means my kids have the week off school and daycare. I’m getting help from grandma and some friends here and there, which is great because I have a big meeting to prepare for. Next week I’m flying to New Jersey for two days of meetings. I’m excited and nervous. It’s my longest trip away from my kids ever—three days!

The weather has turned so exquisitely springlike it’s making me feel a little drunk. Crocuses and daffodils are blooming. The quinces in the neighborhood are bursting out coral blossoms. Today I noticed my flowering plum tree has its first blossoms. Hallelujah! I know more rainy, cold weather is ahead. It’s OK. I’m just glorying in our false spring and enjoying the moment. The sun on my face feels spectacular. Yesterday we enjoyed some late afternoon time at our local schoolyard.

Today, Lucas and I left the house in short-sleeved T-shirts. Out of habit and a belief that Asher still doesn’t regulate his own temperature all that well, I made him wear two long-sleeve shirts. At about 1:30 this afternoon he turned to me and stammered something I couldn’t make out. Then he gathered his thoughts and said, quite clearly, “I’m so sweaty!” Oh! Sorry kid. Let’s take off a shirt.

The boys and I visited Great Grandmother RoRo and Great Grandaunt Nana today. It was good to see them, but also strange. My children don’t relate well to Ro at all, which makes me sad because she was such fun when I was a child. These sweet ladies look pretty well and we sat outside in the sunshine together and watched the boys play.

Later at home I gave the kids haircuts. Asher really hates this procedure. He cries and says I’m hurting him, and freaks out whenever the shorn hairs touch his skin. To get him to stay in the chair so I could do the job, I had to give him a Valentine chocolate cut into four pieces. It took a lot of patience on both our parts, but we ended up with an OK cut.

This is one of Lucas’s shots from yesterday evening. I like the color.

Life is good. We are fine. Hope you are too!

The sun is out! This is kind of electrifying after all the rain we’ve had this month.

I made a new contact at a big company that provides publishing services to many publishers today. He had already found an editor for his project, but I was able to send him my info and résumé and ask him to keep me in mind for future projects. It was a pleasant exchange and I’m fairly optimistic something might come of it. They do a lot of publishing for K-12 and that’s a new area I’d be interested in, and one for which my experience would be well suited, I think.

I’m looking forward to being able to point such potential clients at my new biz website and say, “Hey, check me out.”

I’ve got other irons in the fire now, too, and I’m kind of wondering if any of them will result in work. One possibility is that they all will, all at once. That’s a sobering thought, but also a happy one. I’m enjoying a tiny lull right now and spent part of the day invoicing.

The school fundraiser auction is coming up and I’m wondering what I might want to make and donate. Last year I needle felted some fairy folk and donated them along with a book of stories. One idea might be to sew another birthday bunting that might be included in a bigger “birthday package”-type auction item. But I’ve always wanted to needle-felt some seasonal dolls. Must think on this some more.

Tiptoes Lightly, Pepper Pot, and Pine Cone by moi

It’s 10:30 a.m. on a holiday. My boys are all home and presently engaged in drawing backdrops for the Lego movie they plan on making today. I have no idea how they will accomplish this, given that we have an old-fashioned camcorder and not a fancy digital camera, nor any editing software. Perhaps I’m overthinking it. I’m hearing phrases about aliens and space police and stop-motion. Asher is helping, so it will be interesting to watch with one eye how this project unfolds (and potentially is destroyed by Baby Godzilla) .

I’m sitting here in my office in my living room trying to work and not pay too much attention to everyone. I’m trying to edit a strategy guide for a ubiquitous game franchise and it feels for all the world like I’ve read these exact words a hundred million times before. (OK. Maybe I’m not trying all that hard if I’ve stopped to write this post.)

Rain is falling outside and my throat’s a little sore, but I know there’s no point in going back to bed to rest more.

I’ve signed up for a class on developmental editing for fiction—I’m interested in learning how other people tackle this sort of thing, especially since I work in a vacuum most of the time. I’m hopeful that I’ll learn a bunch that will help me land more such projects. So I’m looking forward to the class and also hoping that it won’t take too much time away from my projects.

I’m starting a new project tomorrow and I’ll be working directly with the author. I expect another big nursing copyedit to come my way, but this one won’t be a whole book. I’ll be editing test questions and I expect that to take about two months, starting any day now.

My meeting with my uncle, who is the editor in chief for a religious publisher, was very productive. I get to look at his fall list and choose some books that sound interesting to me. I don’t know if I’ll really get my pick(s), but it sounds like a strong possibility. His books are very clever, scholarly, and carry some cachet, and the prospect of working on something challenging sounds good.

So, at the moment, I’m feeling pretty great about where I am in the world. Some interesting new things are on my horizon! Oh! And I bought a fabulous new coat yesterday.

I worked a long time with a great author. He is patient and gentle, even when things get hairy. The book just recently shipped to the printer. I got this wonderful message of praise from him after I wrote him to say we are all done:

“You were incredible throughout, from start to finish; the unsung heroine…my heroine! Thank you for being so patient, persistent, creative, and flexible. You made this possible; without you, it would not have been! Congratulations, and thank you, thank you, thank you!”

I’m still flying high from this. Here’s the best part—I’ll get to work with him again!