In the season of quiet and darkness, I’m busy, busy with work—and not with the things I want to be doing. I want to be sipping tea and knitting, making toys for my children’s Christmas stockings, and celebrating the solstice. My kids are knocking around the house and into each other. I want to be out, taking photos and playing, and to be inside baking. I want to be working on photo albums of this year’s pictures for the grandparents. How retro is that?

Ian has been taking Lucas and Asher out and doing some of our errand-running, picking out gifts in my stead. This is no small feat with two small boys along for the ride. Also, there are some lovely, sparkling lights on our house thanks to Ian.

Today I had to tell some people that their deadlines are unreasonable and I can’t meet them. This is a tough thing to do and shakes my confidence a bit. I try to take comfort in knowing I am speaking up for myself and the book, and am being professional by saying, sorry, I won’t cut corners. Sometimes you have to wait if you want it done right. It’s been nerve-wracking because I’ve not heard back from the big boss. Neither, “What the hell do you think you’re doing?” nor “OK. Thanks for making quality and accuracy your priority.”

Maybe that’s what’s got me feeling low. Or maybe it was my doctor appointment this morning. “Women your age should …”

Gorgeous persimmons are ripening on my kitchen counter top. Last Friday the B children came over after school and we made a batch of cookies with the couple of persimmons that were ripe enough.

I’m really enjoying spending time with Snow in the kitchen; she has greater follow-through than my boys do. I seem to have hit on the magic formula: Every child measures and pours an ingredient into the bowl, taking turns until everything is in. Everybody mixes, counting their strokes. Eventually, the littler ones drift away to do something else and Snow and I spoon the cookie dough onto the pan. Then, she’s off to play with the others and I get the job of waiting for the oven buzzer, switching out pans, and cleaning up—the boring parts.

I’m learning to recognize (sometimes) when I have a need or expectation for a holiday. To me, it wouldn’t be Christmas time if we didn’t bake cookies. My kiddos didn’t think to ask to do this. But I realized it was something I needed to do. So, I set it up, carved out a moment, and made it happen. Of course, the boys are overjoyed at the opportunity to eat cookies. And, really, who wouldn’t be?

I should add another observation. Besides the script in my mind that says, “good moms bake cookies for Christmas,” there is another script running: “Sexy moms don’t eat cookies.” A little conflict there, perhaps.

Work continues at a much more relaxed pace this month. I’m reviewing second pages now of my textbook, making sure all the intense and involved changes we asked for last month were made. It’s looking good and I’m happy that the people down the line were able to do it. This one is not exactly easy for them, I’m sure, even though I’ve done everything I can to make it as painless as possible.

With some professional coaching, I have managed to change my banner image on my blog to my own wintry photograph. I’ve also added a caching plug-in, so now my site will be faster. And that’s just plain nifty!

I’ve been soooooooo busy with work! A textbook that I’ve been working on for a long, long time is now it the final stages. I’m reviewing page proofs now and the schedule is very aggressive. I’ll be burning the midnight oil up to November 23. Trouble is, I’m tired. The last full day off I had was October 4. I’m just not as good at working late into the night as I used to be. Hello, 37.

It’s OK, though, because I have a vacation coming. We’ll be going to Capitola over Thanksgiving and I’m working really hard now in the hopes that I won’t have to take any work along with me. Working this hard now will turn out to be an investment in my sanity later. This is the plan, anyway.

A new Big Project is starting up for a Big Publisher and it’s one I’ll be working on through May of 2010. I have yet to figure out what I’ll be doing exactly, but I’m glad to have it. I’ll be working on the creation of a web-based product instead of a book. I’m excited to have the opportunity to expand my skills!

I recently finished a computer book edit, which was a great book and a good project, except for the lesson it taught me about Time vs. Fee. I choose to feel grateful for the learning opportunity.

On deck for today is this motto: “Work like crazy!” I am hoping someday soon the day’s motto will be “Play like crazy!”

It feels like forever since I wrote. It’s been such a busy time for me—lots of projects all stacked up on each other, but I think I’m through the worst (best?) of it now. I’m feeling accomplished in this area of my life, but neglectful in others.

My boys have been sick and so everyone is moving slow. Lucas is now better finally and back to school. Ian and Asher are still ill and spending the days playing Legos, watching movies, reading books, building block towers, moving huge piles of toys and things from one end of the house to another, and other low-key things. Ian can work from home a little when he feels up to it.

Although I’m sorry he isn’t feeling well, Ian’s being home the last few days has allowed me to keep my work moving forward and hit my deadlines. This is a huge relief.

On the mothering side, I feel I’m falling down on the job. I mean, nobody’s dying from neglect. Everyone’s adequately nourished and safe. But I usually like to pay a little more attention to my children. It’s five days until Halloween and we don’t even have costumes in the works. No decorations have been hung. The two pumpkins grandma grew in her garden are sitting in the backyard, instead of gracing our front porch. I bought our Pumpkin Path tickets for Saturday night, but that’s about it. Lucas would dearly love to spookify our house and I just haven’t had the time.

We missed the Sacramento Waldorf School’s Harvest Faire on Saturday, which was a real shame because it’s always such fun. But nobody in our family except me was in good enough shape to go out and have fun. At least I got my Children’s Store donations in (nine needle-felted mice, some small, blank journals, and 25 sets of three note cards featuring fairies, mushrooms, flowers, and cute garden snails). I hope to do more next year. (We did more last year!)

I’m looking forward to Asher being well again. I’m always on edge when he is coughing and congested at night. He makes the most horrible choking sounds!

OK, that was fun. Now I must get back to work!

Words. Words. Words. I’m up to my eyeballs in words: editing, writing, note-taking, developing. New projects are on the horizon. Current projects are clamoring for attention, competing with each other to get a piece of me.

It’s late and I’m so very tired. It was a wordy day, so I’ll share only a photograph.

“House School” is the delight of the moment. I gather from chatting with another second-grade dad, that it’s not just Lucas’s new play routine. Sounds like lots of second graders are playing school at home, teaching lessons, leading circle time, and saying verses. It manifested for us at home just three days ago. Ian and Asher were the first pupils to attend “House School,” as it’s known here. They had so much fun and raved about it. Lucas was thrilled to have found a game that the whole family could play—especially given that he gets to be in charge of it!

Last night I got to participate in House School a little, sitting in on a drawing lesson with my three boys. Lucas had cut out paper dragon shapes and we all got to color our dragons. I thought it was beautifully fitting for the feast day of St. Michael, which Wikipedia told me is traditionally held on September 29. Our four colorful dragons now adorn our Nature Table.

Something about this time of year has me feeling pulled in two directions in time. I’m wistful about our lazy summer evenings, which featured walks through our neighborhood, slow outdoor dinners with friends (regardless of the day of the week), sleeping until the sunlight streamed boldly through our bedroom window. I’m also feeling wistful about the little people I used to live with: Lucas as a younger boy, Asher as a baby.

At the same time, I’m eagerly looking forward to the joys of the autumn season: a trip to Apple Hill, the school Harvest Faire, our Thanksgiving Away (which hopefully will happen in November). I’m looking forward to some changes that will hopefully make us happier. The boys are growing and their capacity to adapt is greater. We’re thinking about moving them into the same bedroom together later this fall for several reasons: to promote their bonding, to bring their sleeping schedules into alignment with each other, to allow Asher to detach a little more from his nighttime dependence on us, and to allow me to set up shop in Lucas’s bedroom. I long for an office with a door again!

I also have lots of groovy, creative projects in mind, and keep envisioning more. I went to a craft night last night with other school parents and we sat around crafting, drinking wine, and chatting and it was lots of fun. These people are seriously creative! I worked on needle-felting mice for the Children’s Store at the Harvest Fair. I’m hoping to try my hand a soap-making soon, and I’ve been looking forward to taking a drop spinning class with a local teacher/Waldorf mama extraordinaire: Jennifer Tan of Syrendell.

I picked up a new editing project yesterday. You really never know where work is going to come from! This one came to me via my godmother and looks like it will be low-key, with a relaxed pace. It’s time to try lining up some winter projects. I’m pretty well booked through November-December. Staying on top of the marketing is always challenging and yet always worthwhile. I would like to add some new clients into the fold; some new regulars would be lovely.

Call me crazy, but I’m planning an equinox celebration with some dear friends for Tuesday night. I’ve been exchanging emails and making plans with another mommy who will help me bring this together. (She is amazingly creative and a culinary wiz—just exactly the kind of person you need when you’re up to your neck in deadlines and still think it’s a good idea to throw a party.)

It’s not uncommon for me to create a ceremony or holiday celebration at the last minute; I sometimes wake up in the morning and decide we must have a wonderful, wholesome, festival dinner that night, which involves a lot of crazy scrambling around, digging in cupboards and running to the grocery store. I’m a great one for vision, but not much for planning.

I’m feeling good that I’ve started two whole days ahead this time!

We’re thinking beef and pumpkin stew, served in a pumpkin, of course! Hearty greens and other harvest sides will grace our table. We’re planning a lovely craft for the children to enjoy. And my, oh, my! How do caramel apples sound to you?  Are you drooling yet?

I can belong now to myself

And shining spread my inner light

Into the dark of space and time.

Toward sleep is urging all creation,

But inmost soul must stay awake

And carry wakefully sun’s glowing

Into winter’s icy flowing.

—Rudolf Steiner (verse for the week of September 8–14)

It is now the end of Week 12 of summer vacation. Week 12. Twelve. Did you hear me? TWELVE.

One more week (and a long weekend) to go.

I think, all in all, I’m in better shape than I was this time last year. This time last year I was ready to throw myself under a bus. Seriously. It wasn’t pretty.

During this circle around the sun, we have had a good summer, a busy summer, and one with more balance. Together we have had

·         evening walks

·         feasts of summer fruits

·         barbecues

·         creek play

·         rambling in the woods

·         swimming in lakes, rivers, and backyard pools

·         a trip to San Francisco and Oakland

·         a zoo visit

·         museum visits

·         glorious day-long brunches with friends at home

I’ve had plenty work to keep me occupied; it keeps my brain from turning to mush and eases my career worries.

Lucas and Asher have been occupied more this summer, too. I adore my children and think they are brilliant and fascinating (see this blog for evidence), but I know that we all benefit from having experiences away from one another. I don’t claim to have achieved balance in parenting/work, but it is definitely a major goal. Something I continue to strive for.

Asher has made friends and looks forward to playing with his kids now at Ring-A-Rosies preschool. He has even made it through a handful of full days, when I didn’t pick him up until 4 p.m. due to serious deadlines, and he napped pretty well on a little mat like the other kids.

Lucas has had a bunch of wonderful experiences with summer day camps and other activities (like pottery and soccer). Some weren’t so great (mainly the Fair Oaks Recreation and Park District day camp due to the “Thriller” incident) and we probably won’t be trying those again. But others were awesome. He is hoping to do more of the Science Adventures camps and Aquatics camps next year. The Effie Yeaw nature camps, though only a half-day, are lots of fun and Lucas feels really comfortable there. Plus he gets to hike the trails in the American River Parkway. He has done some amazing art projects that I wouldn’t have even considered doing with him because they are outside my experience. I wish that the less expensive camps had worked out to be winners; naturally it was the more expensive camps that Lucas really took to.

Next week, there is no day care. I’ll have to beg, borrow, and steal moments in which to work, when others can run herd on my little darlings. Grandma? Grandma?

I just can’t help but feel, now that kids all over town are back in school, that perhaps 13 weeks off during the summer might be a little excessive. It is very intense living with a choleric 7-year-old and a 2-and-a-half-year-old toddler!

Especially if one is just the tiniest, wee bit choleric, oneself.

Despite lots of working for me (12 hours) and Lucas’s case of folliculitis caused by prolonged exposure in the lake last week, we managed to have some lovely moments this weekend.

* early-morning walk by myself

* clay play

* dinner out with Papa and Grandma S for her birthday

* yummy BLT sandwiches made by Ian

* watching Asher dance and sing, “I like my Mom and Dad”

* an evening walk through the neighborhood all together

* finding our first green and brown acorns of the season on the ground

* watching nimble Lucas leaping to and fro across the drainage ditch (and hoping he wouldn’t fall)

* a quick trip to the thrift store for school clothes for Lucas: four pairs of pants (including two lined pairs) and nine shirts (both short and long-sleeved, one sweater, and a hoodie) for $50

* a quick trip to the used book store to recirculate a bunch of old books and find new ones for the whole family: five novels for me and Ian, five or six books for the kids

* playing a new game Asher invented called “shopping,” in which an old computer keyboard became his cash register, and flat Lego pieces were dollars. He’s pretty great about making change.

* a tad of reading Torpedo Juice, by Tim Dorsey and Eat, Pray, Love by Elizabeth Gilbert

I bucked up my courage the other night and wrote to my uncle, the publisher. His company is small but very well regarded, a leader in the field. I told him I was in the market for DE work—higher level stuff—and attached my résumé and client testimonials. I have worked for his company before as a copyeditor on two fascinating books. I loved the work, but it didn’t pay well. I’m hoping that stepping up in the editing hierarchy will land me better-paying, more rewarding work. And damn-good experience.

It’s time to ask more directly for what I want. Perhaps asking my uncle is a trifle chicken, but everyone uses their connections in life, right? I have the credentials and the talent and the moxie.

He replied immediately, which was very gratifying. He has never before replied immediately when I sent strictly personal emails.

“…we’re just starting to transmit Spring ’10 projects, and so I’m very glad you wrote.  With all your editorial experience and your classics background (remember that?), I think you could be just the right person for some of those projects.  I’ll pass along your materials to our managing editor and figure out which of the upcoming projects might work. ”

I love the idea of getting projects on the books for 2010.