I’m really happy with my mural! In fact, it’s just getting better and better with more detail. The challenge may be figuring out when it’s actually done.

I have a tiny problem in that I would like to find a good, easy way to draw in the stems of the berries. My tiny brush won’t do the line cleanly and efficiently enough to satisfy me. I’m hoping that there exists a sort of paint pen that will do the trick.

I’ve had Lucas help me a little bit with some of the watercolors. He wants to paint with the “acrylicals” so badly, but I won’t let him just go to work (yes, I’m a control freak that way). I’ve promised him that he can help me paint the lion’s tail tuft blue, and I’m hoping that will satisfy him. The tail is the key element in the storybook. The lion’s tail keeps changing color and the little red bird is very curious about it. She finally finds out that he has been painting pictures with his tail tuft on the walls of his cave at night. In this scene, it’s blue from his painting a lake the night before. Here, he’s gathering berries to use their juice to paint the little red bird on his wall. Lucas’s favorite color is blue, and we’re going to use the “acrylicals” to do it. I may try to make the tuft the very last thing I do on the mural. That way he can help me finish it!

I’ve added a stream at the bottom and some hills in the background on the right. I’m kind of working “off book” now, as most of the fill in work is being inspired by other Kleven pictures or my imagination. My wall is bigger than the illustration I’m emulating so I’m winging it in certain areas.

I feel a bit like I have stepped into an elevator that is taking me to another floor, but I don’t know which one. I don’t know how tall the building is and I have no idea how long I’ll be in this elevator before the doors open and I step out into a new life. (OK, so it’s not a whole new life. In fact, it’s probably gonna be a bit like reliving a chapter of my life—the one I lived when Lucas was a baby.) The point is, I’m waiting, and I have no idea how long I have to wait. And it’s somewhat maddening. The elevator is confining and dull. I have lots of time to speculate about what’s in store, and lots of time to bemoan the fact that I’m uncomfortable and sick of being pregnant. I know I already sound like a broken record. I’m trying to maintain perspective, but something about pregnancy (especially the last part of pregnancy) makes one turn inward. It’s hard to see beyond the end of my belly right now.

I had a spooky dream last night: I dreamed that my stomach got so big and round that it actually split open. A small slit appeared under my navel, low down on the left side of my bulbous belly. The baby poked his little hand out the slit and when I reached down to touch it and assess the damage (for I certainly cannot SEE that part of me), he grasped my finger. Then the split in my skin widened, like a nylon-stocking run. It got wider and wider until he sort of tumbled out into my arms all slippery with goo: a do-it-yourself Cesarean section. So, I had my baby in hand, which seemed OK, but also a gaping hole in my body. I was all alone and didn’t know what to do to put myself back together again.

We have accomplished a lot in the last month. Baby preparations are going pretty well, I’d say. We’ve hauled a ton of stuff out of our home and a ton more stuff in. This process is good because it’s forcing us to look at all our belongings again and ask ourselves if we really need/want them. I’ve made several hefty trips to the Goodwill lately. I cleaned out my car this weekend and then took it to a carwash—something I do about once a year. Somehow, the thought of putting a freshly birthed human into a filthy dirty car seemed wrong: “Welcome to the family, son. For your first view of the world we have the accumulation of our daily filth: inches of sand, sticks, rocks, dirty socks, hats, papers, wrappers, apple cores, sandwich crusts, straws, Ziplock baggies, precious bottle caps, V8 cans, ballon strings, etc. Hope you like living with us.” Anyway, today Ian put together the cradle that my father made for me when I was a baby. I feel it’s good to have several safe places in the house where I can put baby down. As much as I adore Lucas, I trust him to be a four-year-old around his baby brother. (I myself pushed my infant brother in his baby seat off the kitchen table when I was four.)

I burned up another pot the other day. Fortunately, I think it’s savable, which is good ‘cuz it’s the 2-quart one I use all the time.

“Lucas, don’t put Buzz Lightyear in your bottom.”

This is an excerpt from an essay called “Mother Tongue” by Sherry Thompson, published in Breeder: Real-Life Stories from the New Generation of Mothers, edited by Ariel Gore and Bee Lavender, foreword by Dan Savage, Seal Press, 2001

It gives me hope for my creative pursuits.

“As most parents do, I look back over the period when I did not yet have children and exclaim at the months I could have used for working: The time I wasted! How much easier things would be if I had used that time to my advantage!

“Like a lot of simplistic laments, this one, too, is flawed.

“Although it is true that I do not have the time I would like to spend pursuing my creative path, it is also true that I am an artist because I have children. My skill as an orator has grown in direct proportion to my son’s delight in auditory stimulation. Only after giving birth was I able to follow the old adage “write what you know.” It is only here—in the midst of sandwich crusts, dirty diapers, trips to the doctor, bedtime stories, lost sandals, baby lotion, wooden trains, the whorl of hair on my baby’s head, piles of laundry, my son’s songs and the endless trips to the grocery store—that I have found my poetic voice.

“This is not to say that all, or even most, of my work is about my children. I write very little directly about them. Often I find my love for them too difficult, too raw a wound still, to put into words. My children appear just under the surface of the poems: the echo of the color of my son’s hair, for example, or the sound my daughter makes when she’s enthralled. However small my body of work, due to time constraints, I know that the quality of my work is only possible because of the authentic, transformative experience of motherhood.

“It is this truth I call upon when I hunch over my desk, one ear strained for the baby’s cry, the other tuned to the inner rhythm I attend to when I write. The pull between these desires creates a powerful tension within which I am able to work and to live. I can give myself to my children because I write. I can give myself to my writing because of the power I draw from mothering.”

January 20 – February 18

Your Aquarian baby will be outwardly calm, relaxed and delightful and grandparents in particular will dote on her. Aquarians are quick thinkers who want to analyse everything and everyone. An Aquarian child will often be totally unpredictable and come up with with lots of ideas; and she will also be sensitive and intuitive. You may find your child will rebel against commands and rules, but if you leave her to think things through she will normally come to a sensible conclusion on her own. Young Aquarians like to have many friends, although few will be very close, and will be generous towards them. Parents should watch out for the typical Aquarian absent-mindedness.

An Aquarian child will be constantly on the go and needs plenty of opportunity to make discoveries. Your child will thrive in a peaceful, calm, harmonious environment. These children are sensitive to any underlying tensions. Aquarian children can look more confident than they feel and so need genuine encouragement and praise from their parents.

Young Aquarians should be encouraged to think logically and practically. Their minds are always working quickly, sometimes too quickly so they often get in a muddle.
The typical Aquarian child is very healthy.

Aquarius
Is the Aquarius baby lonely? Well, it may certainly seem that way, but appearances can be deceiving. This child is a bit detached, even aloof, so solo time may be exactly what they want — even when crying! This kid would rather work out that hissy fit alone. This, of course, begs the question: Could this tot use some socialization? Probably. Since this won’t be the Aquarius baby’s natural state, the company of others will become an acquired taste with much prodding from Mom and Dad. The Aquarius baby does have much they can teach others, since this child will pick things up early and differently. The rebel baby has arrived! Parents, sibs and friends will quickly grow to expect the unexpected from the Aquarius tot. The companionship of friends and others will be quite important to the Aquarius baby, even if they don’t know how to show it. For that reason, this is a pattern of behavior that should be encouraged. While the Aquarius tot can be stubborn at times and certainly into their own stuff, often their mind is engaged in creative pursuits which should be nurtured as much as possible. To sum up, the Aquarius baby is a talker, very bright, always thinking and actually enjoying the company of others, despite appearances. Work with this baby, and they will shine!

The Aquarius baby does not like restrictions and can be quite the little rebel. These freedom-loving babies need plenty of space to play and grow. They are inventive and resourceful children who tend to become humanitarian adults.
Element: Air
Planet: Saturn and Uranus
Traditional birthstone: Garnet
Modern birthstone: Garnet
Famous people born under the sign of Aquarius: Composer Wolfgang Mozart, January 27
U.S. President Franklin D. Roosevelt, January 30
Baseballplayer Hank Aaron, February 5
Abolitionist leader Frederick Douglas, February 7
Novelist Jules Verne, February 8

The characteristics of your Aquarius baby
The Water Carrier
Ruling planet: Uranus, planet of the unexpected and Saturn, planet of wisdom
Element: Air
Gemstones: Topaz & sapphire
Colours: Yellow & violet

Characteristics of young Aquarians:
• Sensitive & kind
• Dreamy & inventive
• Independent
• Dislike routine
• Fortunate
• Animal lovers

AQUARIUS January 21 – February 21
Like having a stand-up comedian in the house, Aquarius is a natural entertainer! They are artistic and will most likely have a dozen interests requiring you to invest in tap shoes and a drum set. Indulge in the creative whims of your Aquarius and you’ll not only be kept on your toes, but you’ll be in constant stitches too!

Ya know the numbers that the dentist and hygenist use to describe how deep your gum “pockets” are right before they lecture you about flossing? I heard a lot of 3s and 4s at my cleaning appointment today. Stupid hormones are making my mouth (and therefore my moral character) look even worse than usual. Lying on my back, feet up and head down, for the procedure today was excruciating! Jeez.

I have a HUGE case of the I Don’t Wannas! Things that are normally important to me (deadlines, finding work, professionalism, organization, meeting commitments), simply aren’t. In fact they can all take a flying leap of the nearest tall building. I got two new job offers yesterday. Turned one down. Might turn the other down too, depending on when they need me.

Just want to sleep and paint and watch movies from my cozy bed and eat cinnamon-raisin toast. I wonder if I’m getting sick.

Work: I’m still working and trying to wrap up a few projects. I have two small articles to write this week, a strat guide to finish, a dissertation chapter to edit, and hopefully another couple of chapters to complete for my long-term projects. I am both glad that there’s stuff to do, and distracted enough to have a hard time buckling down to do it. It’s kinda crazy in my cabeza.

Appointments: Another Birth Center appointment today. Dentist appointment for Lucas today. Dentist appointment for me on Thursday. I’ve been flossing in the hopes that it will counter my pregnancy gingivitis, which, believe it or not, has been linked to preterm labor/birth.

38 weeks, 2 days: I’m starting to want this kid on the outside now. My sleeping sucks and my back hurts. I’m feeling sorry for myself. Ian gave me a great massage last night. I was up only 8 or 9 times last night, though, and each time, my back was stiff. I feel huge and unsexy, but I think it could be worse. More often than not lately, people say nice things to me.

Food: The other mommies at Sac Waldorf School are organizing a team of food preparers to prepare meals for our family after the baby comes. It’s touching and sweet and I’m very grateful. I felt obliged to tell Megan today that Ian is doing 70% of the cooking these days. I didn’t want her to think I’m the overworked homemaker, have-a-baby-in-the-morning-and-have-lunch-on-the-table-for-the-menfolk-an-hour-later kind of girl. I also want the world to know that I have the absolute BEST HUSBAND EVER.

What I know about my new baby: He is a clothes horse. We have AMPLE clothing for baby, ample blankets, ample booties, ample hats, etc.

Money: Lucas’s tuition is paid through the end of the year (thank you, darling!). I cannot express how happy and relieved this makes me feel! My biggest money stress is tuition payments. Having this year paid in full in January frees me to rest and take it easy for a little while after the baby is born.

The Plan: The Beautiful Bs have offered to help out by caring for Lucas if we go into labor during the daytime. Mom is planning on coming over to our place to stay with him if we have to leave during the night.

Birth: I’ve been reading up on birth a bit to remember good positions for labor and delivery. I have a great team assembled: Same midwife and same doula and same husband as I had the last time. I’m optimistic about the outcome. I feel strong for having made it through this experience unmedicated once before. I should be able to do it again. Ruth says that my body will remember what to do, even if my brain does not remember many details. All those labor “techniques” (specific breathing patterns, supine birth positions, strenuous pushing, etc.) are too rigid and too much designed to help others cope with the birth process and their convenience. It’s really not about them. We’ll have a tub available. I hope to labor at home for as long as possible, staying active and on my feet, and I hope that I’ll know when it’s the appropriate time to go to the Birth Center.

Support: My friends are all pulling for us; I feel their good wishes and hope all around me. I’m grateful to be so blessed to have a community like this one. Thank you, sisters. Thank you, friends.

My back hurts! STUPID BABY. My lower back, especially. I get stiff so quickly nowadays. Even waking up in the nighttime to pee is painful. My back stiffens up while I’m sleeping torqued on my side (for those measly 40-70 minutes at a time), and then sitting up is painful, standing is painful, and walking those first few steps to the bathroom is painful. After a few steps, I’m ok again, but jeez! Standing and walking for any length of time is also challenging. And so is sitting at my desk.

Today we took Lucas to play minigolf in Roseville. He wanted to do something special, and soon enough, we’re going to be cooped up inside a lot with the baby, so what the hay? It was a nice day, but colder and windier in Roseville than here in Fair Oaks. The spray off the water fountains was chilly! Lucas blasts through the golf course with a kind of frenetic mania. He only lost one ball, though. We tried to avoid the surly gang of teenage boys on the course, but somehow, they managed to bust through our game in that rude, I’m-exercising-my-limited-power-by-being-an-asshole kind of way. The arcade was icky to me, but fun for Ian and Lucas. I found myself thinking nasty thoughts about the other parents I saw there (shame on them for encouraging this type of play in this type of environment!), till I realized that I brought my kid to the arcade, too. Eew.

Ian’s right, there are a lot of tubby guys with goatees in Roseville. We saw quite a few at the arcade with their kids, and even more at the baby store. We’ve now aquired a hamper, a pad for changing diapers atop our bureau for in the middle of the night, a diaper pail, and a couple of other things. Alas, there are no “bed in a bag” sets of the lion and the little red bird. I can find lions, but they always come with elephants, giraffes, and zebras. Ian says that’s what I get for ordering off the menu again.

I’m so glad I have this mural to come home to! The project is allowing me to obsess over something other than the fact that we’re WAITING FOR BABY. Now I know why I waited until the very end of this pregnancy to start it.