I am very disciplined about keeping my dreams in check. I don’t allow myself much time to wish or ponder much other than my reality (which is really good—I promise I count my blessings often). Anyway, in part this habit is an effort to live in the present with my family and “be here now,” as they say. Maybe it’s also a survival mechanism. There isn’t a lot of point in fantasizing about my dream job or what white sand beach I’d like to be lying on when these fripperies aren’t in my cards right now. Honestly, I don’t spend a lot of time doing it.

So I didn’t think about Burning Man much before the start of this week. I watched with casual interest as people I know and love packed up their dusty belongings and trundled off to Black Rock City to be their truest selves for a week. On Monday, opening day of the festival, I imagined driving in to Greeters  and falling into that first welcome home hug, the blowing winds, the light so bright you must wear sunglasses. On Tuesday I realized Asher’s present age (2 years and 7 months) is actually just a few months older than Lucas’s age when he first went to the playa in 2004—our ill-fated Burn, when we stayed only 51 hours.  I looked at a photo of feverish baby Lucas at Burning Man, trying to have fun despite his racking pneumonia.

On Wednesday, I lost my mind. I had a bad day. My son and I argued and my feelings got hurt. I spent a ton of time driving around lost, listening to Raffi. I had a cranky, overtired baby on my hands. I missed my limited opportunity to work on important projects. In short, I went a little nutso, succumbing to stress and worry and letting stuff get to me. I spent an evening gnashing my teeth in a dear friend’s living room, enumerating all the things that feel out of control and frightening in my world, and crying over all the things I wish I could be doing.

I guess I had to say this painful stuff out loud. Sometimes I need to be heard, no matter how ugly my words sound to my own ears. My patient friend listened, offered me her enduring love, and suggested perhaps it’s OK that I don’t do it all.

It wasn’t until today, Thursday, that my friend and I both realized that I unwittingly followed my own tradition of completely freaking out on Wednesday of Burning Man week. (It’s not only my pattern though. Lots of people experience it, too). It’s the halfway point of the festival. It’s the day when I’m swept up in a whirlwind of intense emotion and physical stress, and all of my normal layers of protection peel off me like so much sunburned skin. A good, intense cry—some serious wailing into the wind— is usually needed on Wednesday. A catharsis of explosive proportions is almost always in order. The shrapnel is actually expected by friends and campmates, and they duck or provide emergency aid or ululate alongside me, as they are able.

I guess this catharsis is needed in real life, too. Sometimes I just have to screech so my own voice will drown out the harpies.

Physical play always results in giggles.

Wake up, don your superhero cape over your pajamas, and go outside to dig.

Dear Playgroup Friends,

I just wanted to write a note and say thank you for making our summer so much fun! I think our summer playgroup was terrific this year. I sincerely hope you all had a good time participating. It seemed to me that our boys loved having the play dates to look forward to, and I know Lucas was thrilled to visit his friends’ homes—you know, to check out how the other guy lives. 😉

To recap, our boys …

* went swimming many times

* played with race cars

* rode horses

* drove electric cars

* jumped on trampolines

* played with Legos

* visited a park

* played badminton

* had a birthday party

* rode scooters and bikes

* dug in the dirt

* and snacked on many delicious foods!

Getting together these seven times this summer has helped us feel connected and nurtured our friendships. Lucas is ready to dive into the school year and play some more! I got to spend time with some moms and dads I didn’t know all that well yet. I’m grateful to count you all friends.

I wish I had pictures to share, but alas, when I hosted playgroup in June I was so busy with the kids and fixing them food I forgot to get out my camera.

With love and thanks,

Sara

(and Lucas, Ian, and Asher)

I’ll continue our story of our weekend in the Bay Area. This one is shorter, I promise.

We woke on Sunday at Blue and Headra’s new apartment and enjoyed a relaxing morning. We ate some leftover Indian food from the night before; the kids noshed on the cereal and soy milk we brought with us. (We Wilsons always travel with breakfast!) Then we said our goodbyes and fervent thank yous to our gracious hosts and packed into our car to head to our destination: The Oakland Zoo.

Objective: See real, live elephants.
Objective: Visit with Danny, Ian’s ex-step brother, whom we don’t get to see very often.

The Oakland Zoo is really quite lovely. The animals have big, luxurious enclosures, which you might not see so well in my photos. The bigger animals were plains animals like elephants, zebras, and giraffes and their enclosures had a lot of dirt. Other creatures enjoyed trees for swinging in, grass, places to lounge and hide. Those were harder to capture with my Canon; I didn’t have my zoom with me. The whole zoo is hilly and beautifully landscaped, with flowers everywhere.

We rode a ski lift-like sky tram over several animal enclosures, including the lions’ and the tigers’ areas. There’s nothing quite like dangling one’s feet 30 feet over giant carnivores. It was cool to see them from that perspective because there was no fencing or anything to obscure the view. Asher and I rode on a lift together and I nervously kept my arm around him the whole time.

After lunch Asher had a private moment, wandering around. Lucas posed for me on this giant frog. I love that I caught him being candid. This beautiful smile is something of a rarity these days.

Here’s Danny in front of the elephant area. Just when I was getting used to calling him Dan, he told us that he’s changed his mind and actually prefers Danny. OK. No problem! Danny happens to live just a few blocks from this great zoo. Our coming into town gave him a great excuse to hang out with us there for an afternoon.

We saw four elephants. I think there might be others in the herd, but only four were in view. I’d like to think that the animals have a backstage where they can unwind, let their hair down, and … have a beer?

We rounded out the day with a ride on the little zoo train. Asher was thrilled. Lucas couldn’t be bothered to get excited about the ride, which is funny to me because for four solid years nothing was more important to him than trains! Ah well. I guess we all outgrow our childhood obsessions eventually.

And last but not least, here is a great shot of Danny and Ian and Kellie at the Sacramento Zoo circa 1979.

It was a wonderful weekend of friends and fun! I’m so glad we were able to take this trip!

[Second time is a charm? I wrote this post once already a week or so ago, but LJ ate it. I was so bummed I couldn’t recreate it until now.]

The weekend of July 24–26, we went to visit our friends, Blue and Headra, in San Raphael. The plan was to pack as much Bay Area fun into one weekend as possible. We were so grateful to have a great place to stay and to spend all of Saturday with them, seeing some superb sights.

We woke early on Saturday to get to the California Academy of Sciences when it opened. The new building is terrific! (There is a great Flickr group if you want to see more pictures.) We did just about everything perfectly, except we didn’t get in to see a planetarium show. But that’s OK because I’m not sure my kids could have sat through it.

The Rainforest exhibit was awesome. We saw lots of butterflies and birds and even some tiny tropical frogs. Patrons walk up a spiraling ramp on the inside of the exhibit sphere. The air is humid and hot. Butterflies flutter around and you gradually ascend through the jungle canopy. Asher found some lantana, which is beloved by butterflies.

The African Hall is very similar to the old Academy, except they’ve added terrariums of live lizards and other reptiles. At one end is a giant tank enclosure full of live African penguins, who are active and funny. It was pretty crowded there, so I didn’t take any good pictures.

 
Lucas was really interested in a lot of things, especially the fish of the Steinhart Aquarium. Blue and Headra were perfectly wonderful, and so helpful with our children. Lucas adores Blue. It was nice having two more pairs of eyes on them in a crowded public place, especially considering that Asher really doesn’t want to ride in the stroller anymore.

While we were waiting briefly to get into the Rainforest sphere, we saw the top of the Reef tank.

 
The giant T-Rex skeleton was pretty great. I thought there would be more dinosaur fossils, but I was wrong. It makes me really want to take the kids to La Brea Tar Pits someday soon. This albino alligator has been there for years! I guess they live a long time.

 
Pharaoh was carried up onto the Living Roof by his bearers. We took some kissy photos up there and surveyed Golden Gate Park. The Living Roof is really beautiful (and it made me want to come home and landscape the roof of my house). It reminded me a lot of the dome where the Teletubbies live.
 
We even cruised through the gift shop and bought a few souvenirs. Just as we were leaving the building for good, having seen everything we came to see, the fire alarm went off and the museum staff announced over the PA that all visitors had to evacuate the Academy. We were SOOOOO relieved not to have to wade through the sea of people trying to exit safely! Instead of that dealing with that nightmare, we walked through Golden Gate Park, enjoyed some beautiful scenery, observed a little of the Hare Krishna Festival of the Chariots, rode the carousel, snacked, and played in the Children’s Park.
 
After that, we meandered over to the De Young Museum to the King Tut exhibit. We had 4:00 p.m. tix and it dovetailed perfectly with our other adventures for the day. Asher was hilarious in the darkened, hushed galleries. Many of the visitors were listening to their audio guides and not talking, but exhuberant Asher spoke at the top of his voice, “There’s King Tut, Daddy! King Tut!” and “That’s a bird! That’s a boat! That’s a cow—MOOOOOOOOO!”

It was really remarkable how well our boys held up during this busy day. They were well behaved and good sports the whole time. We had a tiny tantrum from Asher near the end, when he was tired. But he rallied beautifully when we went to  ‘s place to visit and have dinner with her and Andrew and

jaleenafied.
Ian and I had so much fun with our kids and friends. I look forward to more adventures like this as Lucas and Asher grow! It’s so good to feast my eyes on new things, gorgeous places, and kind friends!

Yup. I have a new radiator after my car overheated today for the second time. It was pretty obvious something was busted; there was greenish coolant residue all over the radiator and nearby (unknown-to-me) engine parts. I spent pretty much my whole day dealing with it instead of working. Boo.

The bright side of today is the following:

1. It was car trouble in which nobody got hurt
2. Car is now fine; radiator is replaced
3. I didn’t have to deal with my children while I was dealing with the car trouble, waiting for the tow truck, talking with the mechanic, etc., because others were caring for them; they were safe and having fun with friends
4. I was able to pay cash for the repair; $400
5. I put the tow truck on credit, but will pay it off this month
6. Ian came to get me so I didn’t have to wait at the repair shop all day
7. I got to have lunch with my husband and the food was yummy.

Thank you for the lovely comments you made on my Love Story post yesterday.

Thanks for all the love and support, everyone. The truth is, our community of friends and family has been instrumental in helping us through the difficult times in our marriage, and has been a source of constant joy and celebration during the happy times. I could have taken another 5 to 10 hours to write about all the ways that you dear people have affected our lives, and all the places where you intersect our story, but that would have been a much too long post. 😉 We weave our stories together on purpose.

1990 … August 11 … There was a party in Steve and Bryn’s parents’ backyard. There were friends and food, performances, and Greek garb. The stars were out and falling in showers; we drank honey wine and ate grapes. It was a magical beginning for the most magical relationship of my life. Later, in a new town there was a dorm room with pink cabbage roses and white lace on the bedclothes.

1991 … Our long-distance love affair involved letter-writing every day and much driving between Sacramento and Santa Barbara. We shared precious walks on the beach and expensive phone bills. We enjoyed Ren Faire adventures with new friends and poor breathing. Sacramento pulled me home, but I couldn’t come back yet.

1992 … I started a new life in Berkeley. Ancient Greek and Latin studies for me, Bio and sciences for you. The distance didn’t hurt so bad and we saw each other much more often.  We designed rituals and challenged ourselves. We studied magic of many types.

1993 … We broke up, kinda. You needed to leave and see something new. We got back together after a wild run through the snow. You worked construction and sold your car, and we drove to LA together to put you on a plane to Sweden. I wrote a book for you and kissed you goodbye. Later, I left for Scotland. We met again on foreign soil and walked through a candlelit cemetery. We were handfasted one eerie night on a glowing beach by the North Sea. We had the sweetest, loneliest Christmas together in Scotland.

1994 … You surprised me on a Friday evening by winging your way across two countries via trains, planes, buses, and automobiles. We got engaged accidentally when you knocked on my door at midnight. We traveled across Europe together, sleeping in a tent, in trains, in hostels, mostly apart. We argued and figured out how to work together. We graduated college and I lived with you and your father for a while. We made Reggae on Sunday mornings. We didn’t know what we wanted in life, but we knew we wanted to be together.

1995 … We finally moved into our own apartment together!  It was perfect. P Street friends and many shared meals were fun. We were married on June 3 and it was so good. We honeymooned in Oregon. You were getting your teaching credential. I lost a job and got an internship. We had no dough for six months; we lived on kisses, I think.

1996 … I began working at Prima—a lot. You taught a grade 1-2 class full of disadvantaged kids. It hurt and you wanted to bring them all home with you because they weren’t getting enough love, or food, or dental care. I fell in love with you that much more.

1997 … We became fencers, briefly. We ran at Hiram Johnson High School track together. You attended classes at Rudolf Steiner college, thinking that teaching Waldorf kids would be better. Then you started working with technology and we got a little richer. We locked our TV in the garage and didn’t watch it for two years.

1998 … We worked hard, long hours and saved every dime we could. We lived at my grandmother’s house on 15th Avenue. We went to Hawaii with my parents and the house almost burned down. Technology was better for you in some ways and worse in others.

1999 … We hosted a wedding in grandma’s backyard. We bought our home in June! We attended Burning Man for the first time, but just for two days and it blew our minds. We started planning for more trips to the playa. We were happy and free to move and pursue our interests. I learned to weave. You studied a lot.

2000 … We froze at Burning Man and nearly lost our shelter! Prima layoffs happened and some friends were affected. We built a geodesic dome in our backyard from scratch. We talked about kids and I was scared. We went to New Mexico with your dad to visit family, and then struck out on our own to explore. We read lots and lots of books.

2001 … We went to Burning Man with many friends. Some boots talked to you. Weird times followed, including 9/11 and a pregnancy. We waded through hormones and anxiety together. Would we be decent parents together? What if our marriage changed? We left Kaiser for midwife care instead. We both dreamed we were having a girl. We madly painted fish onto bedroom walls.

2002 … Birthing classes, new friends. Oops, didn’t finish the class because on May 1^st, Lucas baby arrived. Everything changed. I turned 30. This year was hard and lonely for both of us, but also exquisitely beautiful and extraordinary. We didn’t sleep. We struggled to find our places in this new three-part family. I worked from home. Your high-paying job laid you off when Lucas was 4 months old. Now what? You investigated autism.

2003 … You went to work for TAC helping disabled kids. I was so proud of you! My employer asked me to come back and I got so, so sad. We employed a nanny until we realized that I couldn’t be away from home for 55 to 60 hours per week. I left in August after 6.5 years and went freelance. Freelance? What the heck does that mean? We struggled and little Lucas toddled. We visited Hawaii again, with a baby in backpack.

2004 … We took two-year old Lucas to Burning Man and he got pneumonia! We left, feeling like the worst parents ever. He started preschool across the street. You taught little kids to talk, both at work and at home. And we felt so grateful to have this perfect child.

2005 … I started writing on LiveJournal, recording our daily victories and struggles. It helped me stay connected and made me saner. You untangled many knots at work. I began making more money freelancing and we started feeling comfy again. Lucas attended Treasure Garden preschool after some weird hiccups. He spent his days playing outdoors. He was wild.

2006 … Lucas turned 4 and we looked around and thought, “Oh, weren’t we going to have another baby?” And then suddenly there was a bun in the oven. We joined the PSA and the three of us went to Burning Man for one last fling before baby. Mommy got depressed. Lucas started kindergarten. We waited. You worked on a master’s degree.

2007 … Asher arrived in a rush. Oops! We had a baby in the shower. I got sick. Really sick. Hospital and terror. You were mommy and daddy to our kids for a short time. And then there was a slow healing, with a newborn at my side. He eventually got the OK to breastfeed and then I proceeded to fatten him up. You and I both suffered from a little PTSD, I think. Dreamy, sleepy days and nights dominated that first year.

2008 … Asher turned 1. I finished my textbook. You became an executive. Weird. Lucas turned 6 and went to first grade! I experienced my slowest year ever, which gave me lots of time with the kids, but it was also worrisome. We worked hard, ceaselessly supporting this family of four. You were unflagging and lovely and became a brand-new BCBA. I didn’t sleep enough.

2009 … Stressful work for you, easier times for me. Lucas turned 7 and we threw him the most amazing birthday party. Asher learned to talk and made us laugh every day. We lean on each other, as we always have. We love faithfully and intensely.

To Be Continued …

Last week we gathered at grandma and grandpa’s house to celebrate DiDi’s birthday. Grandma marked Lucas’s height on her Great Doorjamb of All Kids’ Growth.

He is now 48.5 inches tall. In January of 2009 he was 46.5 inches. Wow. Two inches in seven months.