Gorgeous persimmons are ripening on my kitchen counter top. Last Friday the B children came over after school and we made a batch of cookies with the couple of persimmons that were ripe enough.

I’m really enjoying spending time with Snow in the kitchen; she has greater follow-through than my boys do. I seem to have hit on the magic formula: Every child measures and pours an ingredient into the bowl, taking turns until everything is in. Everybody mixes, counting their strokes. Eventually, the littler ones drift away to do something else and Snow and I spoon the cookie dough onto the pan. Then, she’s off to play with the others and I get the job of waiting for the oven buzzer, switching out pans, and cleaning up—the boring parts.

I’m learning to recognize (sometimes) when I have a need or expectation for a holiday. To me, it wouldn’t be Christmas time if we didn’t bake cookies. My kiddos didn’t think to ask to do this. But I realized it was something I needed to do. So, I set it up, carved out a moment, and made it happen. Of course, the boys are overjoyed at the opportunity to eat cookies. And, really, who wouldn’t be?

I should add another observation. Besides the script in my mind that says, “good moms bake cookies for Christmas,” there is another script running: “Sexy moms don’t eat cookies.” A little conflict there, perhaps.

Work continues at a much more relaxed pace this month. I’m reviewing second pages now of my textbook, making sure all the intense and involved changes we asked for last month were made. It’s looking good and I’m happy that the people down the line were able to do it. This one is not exactly easy for them, I’m sure, even though I’ve done everything I can to make it as painless as possible.

With some professional coaching, I have managed to change my banner image on my blog to my own wintry photograph. I’ve also added a caching plug-in, so now my site will be faster. And that’s just plain nifty!

Our Capitola vacation was perfectly lovely in almost every way. Our rented in-law suite worked well for us and we especially loved having the whole, gorgeous yard—complete with ocean view—to play in. We spent time outside, sitting and listening to the waves below, watching the birds dancing and spiraling in the air above the cliff and bay, sipping champagne, reading, and playing games with the boys. Asher and Lucas loved finding shovels and rakes to play with and a garden patch, containing bark to push around and dig, and a plastic play house. Our hosts were even gracious enough to drop some extra Duplo blocks for our kids to use.

I think we may have accomplished just about everything on my agenda for those six days off, including a super-fun trip to the Santa Cruz boardwalk on Friday after Thanksgiving, where Lucas and Asher and Ian got to enjoy some rides. It was adorable watching Lucas sitting with Asher in a tiny helicopter, teaching him how to make it go up and down, and reassuring him when Asher was feeling nervous.

Asher didn’t much care for the clown face into which you’re supposed to throw the brass rings you grab on the carousel. He refused to sit on a horse, but sat in my lap in a carriage instead. Lucas managed to grab the rings several times. I made Ian ride the kiddie race-car ride with Asher because it looked a little too fast and I thought Asher might get scared if Ian weren’t with him. They all had a blast.

We picnicked on a grassy lawn in some blustery weather and afterward played some arcade games, which are not my favorite but everyone else enjoyed them. Word of warning: Do not allow Asher to drive any type of vehicle anytime soon! He is all too interested in pushing every possible button and pulling every possible lever as quickly and frequently as he can.

Naturally, we had our normal family and sibling squabbles, too. Having the spacious home and two bedrooms helped with that, though. I think Lucas would have enjoyed more time at the beach, of course. We did go several times for partial days. I worked a little, but not so much that it was oppressive.

Other enjoyable moments included a walk to Gayle’s Bakery in Capitola on Wednesday morning, where we ate pastries and muffins outside, and then we paid a visit to Many Hands Gallery (where we didn’t break a thing!). We took walks into town (with some shopping), played lawn games, and watched sunsets over the ocean. Ian read to us from The Wind and the Willows before bedtime and he generously let me sleep in a tad in the mornings; he even figured out how to make good coffee with the French press. I got to knit some more on Asher’s sweater and even read a little. We even watched the new “Lion, the Witch, and the Wardrobe” film together (Lucas and Asher prudently left the room during the Stone Table scenes but enjoyed all the rest of it). As some of you know, movies often don’t go over too well around here.

Lucas surprised us by requesting a traditional Thanksgiving dinner. Although we weren’t really equipped for marathon cooking, we didn’t see any real reason to say no, so we bought a complete dinner from Safeway that fit the bill nicely. No, the food was not grand, but the setting was, so nobody minded. I’ve never had Thanksgiving dinner on a sunny cliff before! We called home on Thanksgiving to talk to our parents and watched “Tom and Jerry” cartoons while dinner was warming.

Of course, the beach was a favorite for all. I love to watch my boys playing in the sand and surf and stream and sun. I think they are most perfectly at peace in such places, perfectly alive and playful. There is a stream that runs into the sea on Capitola Beach and it makes the most divine place to play, with the stream running broadly and only about six inches deep. The water was cold, but that’s half the fun.

It took Asher some time before he felt comfortable enough to leave our side. He sat peacefully playing in the sand for a long while, but when he finally braved touching the stream with his toes, it was only moments before he was soaked up to his thighs. He ran through the water, splashing up- and downstream for an hour and a half. He said he was surfing.

Lucas braved the surf and got knocked down a few times when the waves came in bigger than he expected. He was OK, though, and got back up right away and went back for more. He must have been freezing, but that sort of thing doesn’t matter to a 7-year-old. I remember feeling exactly that way myself when I was his age.  Frankly, to this day, I cannot go to the seaside and NOT touch the sea. It’s just impossible; to forego touching the waves is a sacrilege to great to be borne.

On our way home we stopped at Jeannie’s Christmas tree farm in the Santa Cruz mountains, Raccoon Gulch, and spent the afternoon there. We picnicked on turkey leftovers with Steve and Jeannie and met her parents. With Jeannie’s mom, Karen, Lucas made a “Spice Angel” with cinnamon sticks, bay leaves, yarn, and corn husk wings. (She’s lovely, and as soon as I find her acorn head, I’ll glue it back on and hang her up.)

Unfortunately, after we finished eating Jeannie had to leave for work. Steve led us through the woods along their “bike trail,” down into the gulch, over by the lake, and up to the “old barn.” It was so gorgeous and Lucas and Asher trooped along after Steve like mini Boy Scouts, listening intently as Steve identified plants and various fungi, and told stories about this fallen log or that thicket. Before long, my kids were shouting out, “Steve, here’s a mushroom!” Only for Asher, it was more like, “Teve! A mushooom!” (I’m really sad I didn’t take my camera along on this walk, but I was in the moment.)

I fell in love with the ~400-year-old oak tree at the end of Jeannie’s family’s property. So massive, so majestic—yet also it looked somewhat weary. Its huge branches grew up out of a giant trunk, out, and down— almost spiderlike. They rest on the ground for a span, as if they are too heavy to hold up, and then rise back up a little. It was very peaceful there in the dusk.

At the lake we had a long discussion about duckweed, and Lucas was determined to make biodiesel out of the duckweed he put in a bottle to take home. As far as I can tell, it is surviving the freezing weather in my backyard nicely, in the green plastic bucket where Lucas put it upon returning home.

More photos are now on my photos page or on  Flickr.

He has amazed me again.

Despite his talk of playground “wars” and “battles,” despite recently being advanced to “third leader” of the “team” and functioning as the team’s “policeman” and “guard,” my 7.5-year-old son is only gradually transforming from soft, sweet little boy to capable tough guy. Parents often speak of the phenomenon of kids moving two steps forward, one step back, and I see this in Lucas. Sometimes he is macho, other times, vulnerable and … “young.” My tough guy channeled his considerable developing skills into a softer direction for a project that he conceived himself.

Lucas started thinking ahead to Christmas the other day and decided that he wanted to make a lovey doll for Asher. He took out his sewing kit (a Christmas gift from Ian and me two years ago), his felt, and scissors and went to work. He politely asked for wool roving to stuff his doll’s body, a short tube of felt. Then he made an arm, stuffed it, and sewed it on to the body. Then another. By then I was feeling pretty impressed because he was sticking with the project and doing it without help.

A busy day went by, and Lucas asked me if I would help him make the doll’s head: He didn’t have the right material in his fabric stash. Last night, I dug out more wool and some pinkish jersey knit fabric and together we made the head. (This is the only part I helped with.) That’s all we had time for before bed, though.

As I was putting Lucas to bed, he said, “I really want to take my doll to show and tell tomorrow.” I expressed concern that we probably wouldn’t have time to finish it before school in the morning, but he could certainly work on it over vacation and then take it to the next show-and-tell day. I gushed over how great he was doing, and how I’m sure his teacher and classmates would be pleased to see what he made.

When I first laid sleepy eyes on Lucas this morning, he proudly showed me how he had already sewed the doll’s head onto the body, and given it blue eyes with his embroidery thread. I think it was five minutes after 7 then. Within another 15 minutes, he had stitched on a smiley red mouth and some blond wool roving for hair. At breakfast, he announced, “My doll’s name is Willow Bean.”

I think Lucas is so proud of his doll that he is probably going to keep Willow Bean for himself and not give the doll to Asher for Christmas. I really don’t blame him a bit.

On November 1, Lucas just turned 7 and a half. I’m finding I’m feeling more relaxed around him now than I was six months ago, which I think is because the sharp edges of his emotional states seem to have gradually rounded off. He is still more “feeling” at times that I’m comfortable with, but he’s not lashing out in huge outbursts indiscriminately anymore. Many emotions are easy to deal with, but some are hard and have a big impact on those around him. This is a huge relief.

Now, we are seeing a Lucas who is more confident, more comfortable, and more engaged. He likes being in school and having all those friends around him. He likes learning new things and his mind is an amazing sponge. His reading is coming along, and we find we can no longer spell words we would rather he not hear because he can often decode them!

We have been treated this fall to some wonderful tales about saints, and Lucas has been working really hard in his Math main lesson block. I’m told that the children are earning their golden Math Crowns by counting, and then they earn jewels to go on their crowns when they successfully recite their times tables.  Lucas has earned four jewels for his crown by reciting his twos, threes, fives, and tens. This is awesome to me. Today we had a lovely discussion of division and prime numbers, although he didn’t call them that. “You know, Mom, 3 cannot be divided, but 4 can. Divide 4 and you get 2 and 2. 5 can’t be evenly divided. You would get 3 on one side and 2 on the other.” He proceeded to break down every number up to 15, determining whether each could be evenly divided.

Tonight Lucas recited his birthday verse to us for the first time. As is customary in Waldorf schools, his teacher created a verse for each child in the class, who practices it and recites it in front of the other children. The verse is meant to speak about the child, but also to the child to encourage and nurture in the child a quality or talent.

This is the verse she created for Lucas. I wept happy tears when I heard it.

Let us make a thing of beauty

That hungry souls may feast upon.

Let us make a thing of beauty

That long may live when we are gone.

Whether it be wood or marble,

Poetry, music, or art,

Let us make a thing of beauty

To help set man apart.

He proudly told me that his verse is the only one that mentions beauty.

Four kids with screw drivers and a burning curiosity dismantled out broken VCR … for SCIENCE!

Triumphs of imagination and ingenuity are worthy of celebration. Robots are cool, man!

We are very fortunate in that we are the lucky recipients of some really big gifts lately. Opportunities for family and personal enrichment seem to be falling out of the sky.

During the hottest part of Saturday afternoon, movers brought us a piano that is being given to us by Ian’s ex-step-family. It is a Kimball that Dan Sr., Ian’s sister’s father, purchased new in 1968. It was in Dan’s possession until about five years ago. What I hear is that he was a good musician and enjoyed playing it until he and his wife moved to an upstairs condo in Capitola. For the last several years, the piano has been at Dan’s sister’s home. A fall and a broken hip has resulted in elderly Aunt Rachel’s having to move to an assisted living home. Rachel’s family are selling, donating, and disposing of her things, including her home, to help pay for her long-term care. 

We were very touched to hear from Ian’s sister, Kellie, and his ex-step-brother, Dan Jr., that Dan Sr. wanted his piano to stay “in the family.” He hoped we might want it, and tearfully said he feels Ian has “always been like family” to him. Dan is understandably upset about the changes that are happening for Aunt Rachel, his sister, and he is frequently emotional since he had a stroke several years ago. 

So through old connections and the good will of some really sweet people, we now have a pretty, 40-year-old mahogany piano in our home. I do not play, but I have always wanted to learn. I always felt at a disadvantage when I was singing because I couldn’t plunk out my own part without help. I have held a secret hope that Lucas would learn to play someday. It seems to me that if you learn piano, nearly every other musical endeavor comes more easily. It feels like a tremendous windfall to have this instrument for the cost of moving and tuning it; we would never be able to afford one otherwise.

I know of another young boy who was in Lucas’s class last year and he plays. A music teacher comes to his home once a week and teaches Charlie piano and Charlie’s sister, the violin. I’m hoping to arrange for lessons for us to start this summer. 

So, in honor of kind people who gift us with wonderful opportunities to learn new things, I raise my popsicle in a toast: Thank you!

(I promised myself I’d finish this post before Lucas’s birthday.)

Dear Asher,

Today you are 15 months old. I have mentally started this letter to you a thousand times since you turned one three months ago. I can’t really explain why I haven’t really written it until now, except to say that I’m sort of speechless when I think about expressing to you all I feel about you and your first year of life.

So I’ll just dive in, and let the words come higgledy-piggledy as they may. Perhaps I’ll sort them out later on. Perhaps not.

You are a dream come true. You are not the dream I thought you would be, but I’m more in love with you than I thought possible. This is amazing to me. It fills me with overwhelming joy to find myself besotted with you, adoring you, treasuring you. There was a dark moment before your arrival when I wondered if I could. Now I know it’s all OK. We are fine. We are as we were meant to be. I know this is only the first of many important lessons you will teach me.

At 12 months, you were always happy, easy-going, and adaptable, so long as I wasn’t too far away. Your smile was like sunshine and your laugh completely contagious. They still are now, but now, at nearly 15 months, we see another side to your personality. Now you are very good at showing your displeasure when something is bothering you. Now you tell us so clearly what you want and how you want it. Now we see you experimenting with a greater range of moods and expressions. You have a pout that is beyond adorable. You have a glower that would be truly intimidating, if it weren’t so funny: eyes glaring out from beneath knitted brows, lowered head, pouty mouth sometimes featuring a prominently jutting lower lip. What is amazing is how long you can maintain this go-to-hell look. (There is a photography of me as a very young girl wearing Oakland Raiders pajamas and the exact same go-to-hell look. Whenever you flash this look at my parents, they get all nostalgic for the days when I was small and prissy.) You seem to have a stubborn streak in you that may ultimately rival your brother’s. You also seem to have the capacity to hold a grudge for quite a while. Now you throw tantrums when things don’t go the way you want them to, like if we take something away from you, such as a sharp knife or a tiny LEGO piece.

Most of the time, however, you are happy. You are playful and initiate games with us and with Lucas. You still love peekaboo, though it’s not the Ultimate Game it was a few months ago. You like people to chase you through the house, saying “I’m gonna get you!” in a singsong voice. You laugh like crazy when we play chase.

You crawl so fast now! I keep thinking you will walk any day now, but I keep being wrong about that. I suppose I will be wrong until the day I’m finally right! Anyway, it’s impressive how quickly you can cross the room. Sometimes you chase after balls or a pacifier. Sometimes you’re rushing toward me to be scooped up and spun around and nuzzled.

We spend a fair amount of time outdoors now that the weather is so beautiful. You bravely explore the backyard, navigating steps, crossing bark-filled planters, sitting on my flowers. You seem to like the grass lawn and the bark a lot. I see you scratching your little fingernails into the earth at every opportunity. You love coming across a puddle of water from my garden hose. You sit in it, splash, and hoot your pleasure, signing over and over again “water!” The sign is often accompanied by your saying “wa wa wa” as your hands touch your lips.

Your signing is blooming into a truly useful method of communication. I’m so pleased that you are able to make your needs and wants known by using signs. You’re a little inconsistent sometimes still, and you sometimes confuse them, but more often than not now you perform a babyish variation on the signs we’ve taught you. Let’s see … you now use these signs: water, eat, more, milk (sometimes), dog, hat, cold, phone (you made this one up yourself), please (rarely), pluggie (rarely), fish, cookie/cracker. Just today you began signing for “meat.”

You also communicate with a whole range of whoops and hoos and finger pointing. The clever combo of the sign for “more” and strategic pointing usually makes it clear what you want. This combo is very often “more phone,” “more water,” or “more mommy.” Basically, “more” also functions as “I want.” You’re saying “Hi!” with waving now, particularly if you see a child or a beautiful woman pass by. You smile charmingly as if to say, “How you doin’?” You don’t say goodbye yet, but you do wave whenever it becomes clear that someone is leaving, or that we are leaving other people.

Although it used to be very simple feeding you, now your eating is unpredictable. Some days you want only finger foods, or “real” food; other days, you seem to prefer eating only baby food purées. I think your favorite foods are peculiar in one so young as you: onions, meat, strawberries, broccoli, freeze dried apples, peanut butter, stir-fried veggies such as bean sprouts and celery. And things that most babies love, such as bananas and avocados, seem to gross you out. Some days you’ll eat rice, others not. You get a horrified look on your face every time I offer you diluted juice, so I’m thinking you don’t have much of a sweet tooth yet. Which is just fine by me. I had better go cook up some onions for you.

We are having some trouble with your rough hands these days. You delight in pinching my tender spots, especially my breasts and nipples, and frankly, it hurts like hell. I know you think of these items as your own personal property, but they are mine too. We talk a lot about having “gentle hands” and using “soft touches,” but you don’t seem to care to follow our advice. It’s awful when you’re drifting off to sleep (which is my objective) and you knead my skin in your talon-tipped hands until I’m crazy from the pain and irritation. But since I want you to be sleeping, I try to bravely survive it. Sometimes I fail and jump up shouting “Ow! Ow! Ow! Cut it out, Dammit!” This is not a good nap-promoting strategy.

You also hit your brother sometimes or pull his hair. This is largely due to Lucas’s weird need to put his head on you as often as possible. I watch him approach your face with his own, and see you grimace and try to lean away. I think he wants to love on you and cuddle you as much as the rest of us do. Sometimes you’re willing to tolerate his affections. In fact, just yesterday I saw him lean in and you gave him the most giant hug around his head and kissed him in your slobbery way on his cheek.

Shades of sibling rivalry do appear sometimes, however. The worst is when Lucas climbs into my lap or into my bed to snuggle me. God forbid if he gets between you and me! You squeal and whine and cry and try to kill him for touching your mommy. We’re always telling you, “I’m Lucas’s mommy, too, Asher. You have to share, just like he has to share.” Then we spend some time reassuring Lucas that you don’t realize you’re being mean and stingy. You’re just a baby. The great thing about Lucas is that even if he gets angry with you, he rarely holds a grudge against you for more than a moment. It’s really rather remarkable how much he is willing to forgive. Truly, you have the best big brother ever.

What I love is how you show affection to me. Sometimes you reach up and put your hands on either side of my face. You hold my face so tenderly and bring your own forehead close to touch mine. When you hold me there, head to head like that, I feel really loved. I can’t explain why you do this, but somehow you’ve come to associate  bonking foreheads gently as an expression of loving devotion. Which is fine, most of the time. When you do it in the middle of the night—when you crawl over me while I’m sleeping and slam your noggin into mine, waking me out of a sound sleep with searing pain—I don’t like it so much then.

So far, you really seem to like other children. When we go to our “Mommy Baby” class, you love to say “Hi” to the other babies and want to touch their faces. Yesterday we were there and you really owned the room. Your behavior was different, as though you finally decided you felt completely comfortable there. You explored every nook and cranny, swept toys of the shelves, got into the tree blocks, and cuddled every Waldorf-style baby doll before biting it in the head. You strutted your new talents (briefly standing unaided) and flirted with the teacher and all the mommies. It was as though you decided to put on all your charm and have a great time. You really seem to like Willow, the cute little girl who visited our house last week with her mom Peggy. You played nicely with Cameron and Gavin and Noah, too. When we visited the farm, you got super excited when we stood by the sheep enclosure and by the chickens. You rapidly signed “dog” repeatedly while whooping with pleasure. At this point, every animal you see is a dog to you.

So, yeah. Standing up is the big deal these days. You can walk a little if we take your hands and help you balance, but you don’t like to do it for long. You know, though, that these new skills are important because we make a big deal out of them, clapping and praising you and telling you how big you are now. You look so proud of yourself. I honestly thought you’d be walking by now, but you seem to be on your own timetable. Given how fast you crawl, I guess walking from place to place would really slow you down.

You are brilliant, too. I am constantly amazed at what you already know. You seem to have figured out the use of nearly every household object. You know that keys should be inserted into locks, that the computer mouse makes the pictures on the monitor change, that the spoon is for stirring. You know what the TV remote does, and how to turn on or change the TV station if the remote had been hidden from you. You know exactly what button to push on the DVD player to make the disc eject. You know what a hairbrush is for and what a toothbrush is for. You adore the phone more than anything else and have figured out its major buttons, including speaker phone. You sit placidly for long stretches flipping the pages of books like a lifelong reader. If you try really hard, you can even use table utensils appropriately. It’s weird to realize that you really are watching everything we do with every object all the time. You learn by watching us, which reminds me to be on my best behavior.

There is more to say. I should talk about cosleeping with you, going places with you, how you’re now into everything and much mischief. But perhaps I’ll save those things for later. I suppose I wasn’t speechless after all.

Asher, I love you completely and forever.

Mama.

P.S. I’m sorry I forgot the camera when we went to your first dental checkup.

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Originally uploaded by SarabellaE

I believe Lucas has made a huge leap in his cognition. I see it coming through in surpising ways. On January 13 he built a huge block city with almost perfect symmetry. It’s the first time I’ve ever seen him build anything with any care for that aesthetic. I took lots of pictures.

I have also been taking pictures of some of his lego creations. They have also ramped up in complexity, indicating to me a change in his spatial thinking and engineering ability. We’re talking helicopters with spinning rotors, mummy’s tombs, and—of all things—a bird. I’ll post some of those soon.

Sometimes I sit back and realize that I’m just here to provide a warm place and food so that this genius can unfold in the universe. It seems determined to do so.