I’ve learned that if a kid doesn’t know something exists, he doesn’t want it. That was certainly true in the case of candy, french fries, ice cream, and toy guns. I realize I cannot protect my son from every awful thing, but I can try to delay his exposure to things he is not yet ready for. I think some might call me overprotective. But if you heard the things he says, and what he’s afraid of….

Lucas currently is thinking a lot about monsters and bullies and Star Wars lately. Now, I’m very fond of Star Wars (at least, I’m fond of the three original films), but Lucas sees all the promotional stuff about Star Wars 3 (which is pretty terrible, after all, the hero becomes the villain) and pictures of Darth Vader everywhere. Lucas sees toys and cereals and all kinds of stuff with Vader on it, and has developed a morbid fascination with him. I’ve explained to Lucas that he cannot watch Star Wars or have Darth Vader toys/costumes, that it is something for bigger boys and girls, because there are very scary parts and Darth Vader is a bad guy. Now Lucas asks me for a nice Darth Vader toy—one that is smiling and happy. The marketing people have done their job perfectly—he somehow KNOWS that kids should have these things!

This is all from the boy who is too afraid to watch PBS kids shows, like Sesame Street because of the monsters, or the Wiggles, or even Barney sometimes. We’ve pretty much had to cut out ALL TV viewing, even shows that I used to let him watch occasionally, such as Clifford the Big Red Dog and Boohbahs. My advice to others, even though—believe me—I know how very impractical it is: No TV. Maybe those Waldorf people were right all the while. And even though we’ve been pretty damned careful with his TV exposure, never allowing him to see grown up shows or movies, it seems we’ve still let him see too much, given his current fears and anxiety and aversion to TV and movies.

Or, perhaps it’s a function of his age. At 1 or 2 years old, Lucas didn’t understand plot, didn’t recognize it when characters were being mean to each other, didn’t have a concept of bad guys or empathize with the good guys. At 3, however, he does. He doesn’t even like to see good characters frowning or expressing negative emotions.

The bully idea, unfortunately, was introduced on one page of a story book we have. There’s a picture of a bigger boy shaking a little boy (with little squiggly lines to represent the shaking), and the text is something about … “if I had an octopus for a pet, the bullies would never pick on me or my friends.” (The book is a funny story all about how cool it would be if I had an octopus for a pet.) Now Lucas brings up bullies every couple of days. He wants to know if they’re real, if they pick on little kids, and whether they will be nice if we are nice to them. He’s actually WORRIED about bullies! I tell him that mommy and daddy and teachers will protect him from bullies, and that we don’t know any bullies at all, and that if he’s every made to feel uncomfortable or scared by another person, he should tell a grown up.

I sense we’re in the midst of a significant cognitive and emotional change.

We were eating lunch at Applebees today and Lucas made a funny connection. But I’ll get to that in a minute.

The backstory here is that Lucas really loves eating at restaurants. Pretty much any restaurant will do—Japanese, Mexican, Korean, seafood, etc. And he’s a good eater—one who likes a variety of foods, including vegetables and even fish. But at the ripe old age of three, he’s sophisticated enough to have realized that certain “family” restaurants offer kids’ menus that feature foods that mom and dad don’t fix at home: corn dogs, pizza, grilled cheese sandwiches, cheeseburgers, macaroni and cheese. (Well, occasionally we fix hot dogs, or macaroni and cheese.) To Lucas, however, these entrees are not the most enticing part of kids’ menus. The best part is that they always come with french fries!

By now, Lucas has also been exposed, little by little, to fast food. Ian and I have taken him once or twice to Carl’s Jr., Jim Boys, and Taco Bell. These are the fast food joints that somehow seem the least objectionable to me, in terms of their food (not their politics). I’m probably fooling myself about that, but still. Those are my feelings.

A grandma has taken it upon herself to educate Lucas further by taking him to McDonalds and Burger King (where you get Star Wars toys), and to create in Lucas’s mind the happy association that McDonald’s restaurants really are called “Old MacDonald’s”—you know, the guy with the farm and the song about the vociferous farm animals? It’s a pretty natural cognitive leap on the part of a preschooler, but not an association that I am happy he has made. Grandma has encouraged this and calls it “Old MacDonald’s” now too. She’s also explained to him that even if mommy thinks it’s junk food, it’s OK to have junk food once in a while.

And there’s where I grin through gritted teeth.

Lucas now recognizes many of the fast food joints by sight now. As we drive through town, he points these chain food stores out and begs to be taken to them for lunch or dinner or “second dinner.” McDonalds, Burger King, “Taco Bells,” Applebees, “Jim Boy Oh Boy,” Carl’s Jr., Baskin Robins. So in case you were wondering if marketing really works on kids, let me tell you: It does. “happy meals” and “play places” and toys that come with kids’ meals are exactly what appeals to very small humans.

Now we have daily conversations about the faults and merits of fast food/junk food. I explain that junk food isn’t healthy for growing bodies, or really any bodies. Lucas says, “But it tastes good, mom.” He’s decided that the real culprit at fast food restaurants, the real reason mommy doesn’t like them is the french fries. Now any restaurant that serves french fries is a junk food restaurant.

So, back to lunch today at Applebees. Here the kids’ menu offers a choice of french fries or vegetables or applesauce. Before the waiter could run say the whole list of side options including “french fries,” I hastily shouted, “vegetables!”

Phew, dodged that bullet.

Alas, french fries came with daddy’s food.

“Mom, are these junk fries or good fries?”

“… Um … How do they taste?” I ask, buying time to think.

“Good.”

“Well, this restaurant serves mostly good food,” I say (even though I’m looking at the naked corn dog stick in his apple-shaped wire food basket), “so I guess it’s OK to have french fries here, once in a while, as long as you don’t eat them often or eat too many.”

Pause

“So this is slow food.”

So, one of the things about this current lifestyle of mine is that I’m basically out of touch with everything besides my immediate deadlines and my son’s behavior-challenge of the moment. Life around here isn’t exactly exciting, it’s domestic, and businessy, and … well, pretty fucking grand.

Some stuff is happening though. You can read about it if you want to.

1. SOCIAL: I’m finally on livejournal. I’m scared to death that I’ll be here every potentially billable hour for which I have childcare and therefore sink rapidly into the rolls of the underemployed. Alas, whatever discipline, and “good study habits,” and will-power I have developed will have to prevail. I’m also afraid that I’ll write poorly and people will laugh because I’m an editor and stuff.
Anyway, I look forward to keeping in touch with you all more.

2. BUSINESS: I just emailed off Invoice # 100! I’ve been in business for myself for 2 years now. (Anniversary was Aug 22.) I feel some unexpected pride when I contemplate that nice, round number: 100. Here’s to success!

3. DOMESTIC: Yesterday afternoon, my daycare lady unexpectedly dumped us–2 business days from the start of the school year. Actually, she closed her doors and will not be having a preschool program this year. It has to do with her getting her own life in order–which is something I generally encourage and respect–but not at the expense of the order of our lives! Now we’re scrambling to find another preschool/daycare placement for Lucas. Yikes!! And yes, I’m pretty mad about it. Not only did she make her decision to quit and NOT CALL ME, but I had to call HER yesterday in the hopes of finding out what’s the story on school starting next week–like, what day does it start? What times? Are there any new rules that I don’t know about, new parent info packets, school supplies or special Waldorfy clothing that must be purchased beforehand?
Ex-teacher grudgingly explained that she had made a really HARD decision not to provide a program this year. It was really HARD for her, because she really LOVES my son. It’s just been so HARD to decide.
Something inside my head pretty much snapped when I heard, for the 8 billionth time this year, how HARD it is for her. I am tired of her sob stories; I have heard too many of them to care anymore. I’ve been so supportive of her and her program–her best advocate. I’ve referred my friends to her school. I’ve offered to help her get the word out to area mothers’ groups. Showed her inexpensive places to advertise her business. Accommodated her occasional schedule hiccups and illnesses without backup. Overlooked her flakiness and attributed it to her etheric Waldorf nature that is essential for small children.
How about this for HARD: It’s HARD to find childcare you can trust. It’s especially HARD when you have high standards like I do. Lucas will never attend a McChildCare.com. It’s HARD to find a good preschool program 2 business days before the start of the school year!!!
Ex-teacher wants to provide closure for Lucas. To give him a gift and let him come and choose a pumpkin from the pumpkin patch they planted together in her yard earlier this summer. I have to decide if I want that for him.
How about this for HARD: I have to explain to my son that the teacher who loves him is not his teacher anymore–that his friends from preschool will be splitting up–that we will no longer be able to walk just down the street together in the cool early mornings to go to school, nor will I be able to carry my sleepy son home in my arms on days when he’s played so long and earnestly that he oversleeps.
For the first time, I have to explain why people sometimes leave us.
That’s HARD.