A Spot of Quiet
Morning. Lucas is at school. Ian’s at a big meeting downtown. Asher is asleep for the moment. I’m enjoying my second cup of coffee and procrastinating on chapter 5.
It’s been a good but busy week. Getting back to the school-year daily schedule has been challenging for me. It feels limiting to have to be home and have Lucas in bed by 8 p.m. My own body/mind is on a 24-hour clock these days, by which I mean that I’m not always asleep during normal sleeping hours, not always working during normal working hours, and not always relaxing during normal relaxing hours. (It makes sense to me, but probably isn’t comprehendible by others.)
I finished two jobs on Tuesday. I’m wrestling with one now and another one is about to flood in again, on the weekend, after a hiatus that was beyond my control. I’m honestly a little tired, but don’t have the time to rest.
Asher’s will is coming through more these days. He very clearly expresses displeasure whenever I leave his sight. This is the start of separation anxiety, which is unfortunate because I now feel a few hours away from him would do me a lot of good.
He’s starting to rock back and forth on his butt and lean waaaaaay out in front to reach for things or to suck on his toes. He basically folds himself in half to do this. I hope, hope, hope that he’ll wait at least another two months before he crawls, but I can tell he’s contemplating the benefits of mobility and practicing movements and strengthening his core. He’s complaining less when placed on his tummy now; he pops up and lifts his upper body with his arms to look around. He has decided that it’s cool to drop things onto the floor.
Asher is also very interested in food: So far he’s had apples, broccoli, carrots, sweet potatoes, butternut squash & corn, bananas, avocadoes, plums, and rice cereal. He clearly prefers the fruits to the veggies, but I persevere. I’m making most of it myself, which is cool because I can make it with organic produce and breastmilk or water, so I know exactly what is in his food. We are still breastfeeding lots, which makes me happy. It’s getting easier now, as Ian can feed Asher baby food if I’m away when he gets hungry.
I’m tired. Too tired to be socially outgoing. Too tired to reach out to friends. Seems kind of pointless to do so when I know they are all busy beyond comfort. Sometimes I get tired of being the one to reach out; I have quite a few friendships for which that is the norm. I’m trying to stay in the present and enjoy small things–little moments of peace like this one, little accomplishments, little victories. The fall is coming, which leads me to indulge in moody thoughts and wistful fantasies that don’t much resemble my real life. The crazy is coming. I can feel it in the air.
Oh. There’s the baby …
EDIT: Just to clarify: the relationships for which I feel I am the primary reacher-outer are not with the dear people who read my LJ. I’m talking about friendships that are in some cases newer and/or outside of family. I didn’t write that to make anyone feel accused or guilty.
September 14, 2007 at 1:17 pm
I wonder if the crazy doesn’t have to come. I mean the crazy does come at different times of the year. Maybe the trick sometimes is not to expect it.
Anyways, I always love phone calls and I stopped calling you because I felt like you must not be a big phone person because you don’t hardly ever call to chat with me. Which is totally fine, but it doesn’t mean you’re not in my thoughts. Love you xoxo
September 14, 2007 at 1:29 pm
I have difficulty knowing when I should reach out to you; I guess we both suffer from the too-busy riddle. I’m also a little gun shy in general, so that doesn’t help my plight. I will try to remember to step up!
I’d also like to know if there are better times to call you; I know you get very few moments to yourself and I worry if I call I will wake the baby. Any thoughts?
In the meantime, I wish you lots of speed and good karma through your next few deadlines. I love you!
September 14, 2007 at 1:33 pm
Just to clarify: the relationships for which I feel I am the primary reacher-outer are not with the dear people who read my LJ. I’m talking about friendships that are in some cases newer and/or outside of family. I didn’t write that to make anyone feel accused or guilty.
September 14, 2007 at 1:37 pm
the crazy is coming…
Hang in there, honey. Sounds like you’re feeling a little isolated and under-socialized. If I were there I’d sweep over for a mandatory “Get mommy to the park for her own good’ date. Do continue to reach out. It’s not about equal measures of the same efforts, it’s about equitable exchange. If you feel good with the people whom you reach out to, then reach out. If not, then keep writing here and I’ll keep writing love notes here and someday we’ll hang out again. sending you so much love it would bowl you over.
September 14, 2007 at 1:54 pm
I know I need to call you more. I just get so few moments to myself. It’s true I’m not much of a phone talker anymore. It’s just that what I’m doing right now, raising an infant and a boy and working at home at odd hours and on weekends, is isolating. It’s reality. My biggest social outlet lately is hanging out with my parents. I’m not even a very good wife these days.
September 14, 2007 at 1:57 pm
No worries, dear. I’m not asking for more from you. I never know when is a good time to receive calls either. Asher’s schedule is unpredictable and changes each day. He’s awake at 10 a.m. one morning, and asleep at 10 a.m. the next. Thanks for the support. It’s just a phase.
September 14, 2007 at 1:59 pm
Thanks for the love, dear. Funny how we can get too busy to even breathe and be undersocialized at the same time. Thanks for the love notes. They are a balm. I think I didn’t sleep enough last night.