Being a Mother
I frequently find myself wishing that I had more time for myself away from Lucas. I want more time for me and Ian to be together. More time for romance and more time for quiet and more time without anybody demanding that I serve his every need and whim. Sometimes I get so frustrated I just want to flee into the night.
Motherhood is constant. It’s ever-present and unshakable. I don’t remember what my life was like before it, except for some vague feeling that I used to do what I pleased. In order to escape it for even a little while, I have to rely on others to do the caretaking, and then get naughty, or altered, or both to push the mothermind aside and see what’s underneath it. Sara, are you in there? And if I succeed in uncovering myself, even then, at first light, while my head is pounding and I rub the sleep out of my eyes, my first thought is, “Where’s my baby? Is he OK? When can I see him again?”
When Lucas and I are reunited, it’s like two magnets rushing to join. Ecstasy lights his face.
Push and pull, ebb and flow. The ocean in which I swim is deep.
November 7, 2005 at 2:40 pm
Two things, if I may;
1. You must make time for Sara. And Ian. Must must must must. Otherwise you risk forgetting who you are, and who the two of you are together. It’s just the way this gig goes. Make it a priority and enjoy the reunions.
2. The fact that you want ‘Grown up time’, but still love to be with your spawn bodes well for both of you in the long run. Balance, baby, balance.