I’m not a very patient person. About a hundred times a day, I have to take a deep breath and try to start over. Try to put aside the anger or frustration of the last moment and enter this moment with calm and right intention.

Start over.

It’s a practice; it often fails me, or I fail at it, but sometimes it works. It’s a constant effort to achieve forgiveness and regain my patience because we four bumble around each other in this smallish space, spilling food and bonking heads and fetching water and failing to share and making room and feeding bellies and cleaning messes. Without this starting over, this negotiation and mindful regrouping, we would never get through the day—any day, even the good ones.

I write here about the things I want to focus on, the good feelings, the good moments of family life because I want to remember them. Truly, our lives are so full and we enjoy so much good fortune. Conversely, I really try not to wallow in my feelings of frustration and rage, for doing so doesn’t do me any good and it harms the people around me. My children thrive when I’m present and patient. When I’m insane and shouting, we are all miserable. So I write to remember the good things someday in the future, but also to regroup and refocus right now on why I do what I do, why I am here and not elsewhere. It helps me remember my purpose, it helps me feel better about who I am and my current place in the universe. It helps me start over.

It’s easy for me to slip into complaining, and while I do think that occasionally writing about the crappy parts of this Mommy job is essential to maintaining my sanity, I try hard not to do it all the time. For if I don’t actively write about the great stuff, the sweet parts of this work, I easily drift off-course into dreary waters where dragons lurk.

For me, it’s a constant internal struggle and sometimes—usually—my riotous feelings must be subsumed in the needs of the family. Sometimes I hate it and want to break things, but doing so doesn’t change anything for anybody for the better. So I start over. Sometimes, on the other hand, I do have to cry or walk away for a while—to take care of myself and also to show my kids that I am a human being, that my feelings can be hurt when they are careless. If I’m careful about when I reveal this notion that Mommy is human, it can help us all start over. Sometimes I shout and lose it, and then crushing waves of guilt knock me off my feet. And then, once again, I start over.

The truth is, when Daddy is with us, I feel like 100 percent better and really do stay happier and in the moment. We can take turns being the strong/good one. He is my best friend and when he’s with me, it’s easy to see and feel how gorgeous all this that we have together is, how blessed we are. It’s when he is away and I’m with the kids for hours and hours without him that I start feeling lonely and stuck and jealous and hurt and a little bit like … how the hell did I get here?

And then some milk spills, or someone gets hurt, or the oven beeps, or a diaper needs changing, or a book needs reading aloud. Something happens—whatever this moment holds. I take a deep breath, and I start over.

I’m still banishing the January gray with little finds of color. I offer you the single blossom on my “pseudo-shamrock” plant. I don’t know what this plant really is, but it’s been here as long as we’ve lived in this home—10 years. It’s in front of this plant that we leave our little offerings to the leprechauns in March.

Sometimes the difference between being happy and being sad is in learning how to see.

How is it that in the same day—in the span of just a few hours—I can feel both depressed and optimistic, self-loathing and also pride in my accomplishments? I have a simultaneous dread of doing what I must do, and excitement about taking on new tasks. I just don’t get me sometimes.

Maybe this is some kind of letdown after the busybusybusy of my LOOOOOONG (and stressful during the last two months) project? It’s done. Yet I’ve heard nothing from anybody about it being done. I want to hear champagne corks popping and a few rounds of “For She’s a Jolly Good Fellow!”

I’m just quietly taking care of business, doing my own little post-mortem, paying my January taxes, paying my CPA, doing laundry, and editing a strategy guide.

I’m also dreaming up gift ideas and craft projects.

What is this feeling? … I think I’m … bored.

‘Cuz this is what you do when Daddy tries to get you dressed.

Blessed quiet fills the house this morning. School has started back up, and although it was a trifle rocky getting Lucas out the door, I am very pleased to be back to our school-days routine. I am enjoying filling my body with the silence and deep breaths. There is plenty to do: editing work, chores, errands. And yet, I’m feeling peaceful and happy.

We had a good, long winter break. Ian was off work for the entire time the kids were out of school and daycare, and that, my friends, is a BEAUTIFUL thing. I’m so grateful because my work didn’t slack off at all until New Year’s Day and if Ian hadn’t been at home to keep the children occupied, I never would have made it. I am burned out and weary, but the last couple of days have been mellow, with hardly any work at all—just a check-in here, an email to write and send there. Rest is most welcome and I’m hoping to get a lot of it this week.

Christmas. What can I say? It was glorious and outrageous as ever. It was abundant and fun. It was also both busy and a little weird at times. Family troubles dominated my family’s side of things this year. Fortunately, I think my boys didn’t even notice. The gift-giving at RoRo’s house was low-key compared to usual, which was a blessing. And yet, somehow, my parents made up for that by showering presents on my kids. Mom and Dad and Jonathan arrived at our house Christmas morning with a huge carload of gifts. My mother kept shaking her head and muttering, “I guess I got a little carried away this year.” This amuses me; it’s not really like her to do so.

Ian and I approached Christmas with a fair amount of trepidation. Some of which was totally unfounded. We enjoyed a spur-of-the-moment shopping spree at Toys R Us for the kiddos. We also plowed through our home and garage in the last days before Christmas and boxed up lots of old toys for Goodwill and some for Ian’s clinic. So far, not a single item has been missed by Lucas or Asher.

I am so grateful the children had such a nice Christmas. Our days were full of conspicuous good behavior, talk of Santa Claus, and lots attention from Daddy.

Here are just some of the wonderful gifts we received:

Lucas: lots of science kits (experiments, volcanoes, science you can eat such as soda, rock candy, etc.), rollerblades, books, awesome colored pencils, Green Lantern action figures, and massive amounts of Lego.

Asher: books, puzzles, a noisy rocket ship, a noisy fire truck, a noisy cash register (his new “computer”), wooden boats, play dough, a carved owl that hoots, wooden tools, and nice block crayons.

Ian: a gorgeous new rug, many books, lots of music, a sweater, slippers, and high-quality cookware.

Sara: a gorgeous new rug, a Singer sewing machine, Gingher sewing shears, books, sweaters, two scarves, and lotion.

Our 15th annual Christmas party was a huge success! We were delighted to welcome old friends and new to our home Christmas night. I’m still smiling about it. We had a bunch of kids come, too, which was great fun for our boys. The last guests left at 2:30 a.m. on Boxing Day.

I had high hopes to make gifts this year. None of my plans panned out because my work kept me cranking hard the whole month. Some part of me finds it interesting to watch my internal struggle about that; letting go of my expectations and banishing the Shoulds is often hard for me. But I did it eventually out of necessity. Our Christmas was bountiful in every way, and that is thanks, in part, to the work I do.

Thank you to all who showered us with presents, good food, their presence, good wishes, and love.

Lately it’s been hard to see beyond the end of my nose, or maybe my children’s noses. Our Christmas was in turns weird and wonderful. We managed to keep a pretty good attitude as it unfolded, despite some family challenges. Ian and I hunkered down and focused on the parts that were important to us.

We are looking forward to a happy new year. The truth is 2009 was tough in many ways and for many people. I have witnessed some dear ones in unbearable pain; I have held them in my heart. I have also struggled with my own dragons repeatedly and regularly. But we also experienced a lot of joy.

January 2009: We rang in the New Year as a swindler and a showgirl. We took a family vacation to Maui with my parents, brother, and Jonathan’s girlfriend. There we went diving, hiking, ate amazing food prepared by my brother, and thoroughly enjoyed the beach and each other. The best part was that Dad was well on his way to recovering from the heart surgery he had in Oct ’08. At the end of the month, Asher had his second birthday!

February: Lucas began reading! My dad turned 65. Ian, Lucas, Asher, and I spent a week in Tahoe at the cabin, wearing pajamas, playing games, eating food Ian prepared from a really old recipe book we found there. We played in the snow and met up with friends. Lucas and Ian rode snowmobiles! I knitted, worked, and wrote a bit. I started sleeping through most of the night again—bliss! Ian took over a lot of nighttime parenting. We spent a fair part of February and March sharing germs and being sick; these viruses roll through our family slowly and methodically, it seems.

March: I did some fun needle-felting and Ian and I crafted a soft headboard and side-rail for Asher’s bed. Asher learned a bazillion new words (including “Grandma”) and I stopped trying to keep track of them because they flooded in so fast. We had fun at the school auction fundraiser. Leprechauns visited us one night. I worked on my first computer book and found myself drowning in freelance work for several months. I received my first royalty check, but even better than that was hearing my very first “I love you” from Asher.

April: Two weeks of spring vacation for the kids, with Easter fun and a visit from a magical Bunny at the end. Lucas enjoyed nature camp at Effie Yeaw Nature Center. We celebrated Delphinia in honor of the springtime with good friends at Point Reyes National Seashore, one of our favorite places in California. Lucas entered his “feeling years” with a bang and we had to find new ways of communicating and dealing with each other. Asher started singing. All our fish were eaten up by a murderous tank-mate. We planted a new tree.

May: Asher spent time perfecting his tantruming techniques. Ian and Lucas built an awesome robot sculpture! Lucas turned 7; we threw him an amazing Aliens and Robots birthday party and he got a pet mouse. Lucas also participated in a beautiful May Day celebration at his school. I turned “25.” Ian took me to see The Lion King show and planted a bunch of new plants for our yard. Asher weaned in May, after 51 poignant, glorious months of breastfeeding. Ian and I got our first overnight break from the boys in three long years.

June: Lucas finished first grade and summer vacation began. We gardened a bit. Ian and I celebrated our 14th wedding anniversary. Lucas and I took a pottery class, which we loved. We made lots of cool art and useful objects from clay. Lucas explored both natural science and fine arts during day camps. I sewed pants and shorts for my boys with my mother. June weather was cool and comfortable. We went on a boating trip with friends and it was just what we needed. Poor Ian had his wisdom teeth removed, but he got to chill at home and recover.

July: Ian and I got to go whitewater rafting with friends. Lucas and Asher spent their summer days at the Bennett’s house playing and learning. I worked a lot on my textbook project, which heated up from here and has carried on under full steam through the end of the year. Ian got some bad news, but we weathered it. BBQs and beer and friends. Lucas enjoyed regular playgroup dates with his school friends. We visited wonderful friends in San Rafael and San Francisco and spent a couple of days exploring museums and the Oakland zoo. We discovered what a perfectionist Lucas can be and Asher finally let me sing to him.

August: We vacationed for a few days with Grandpa Glen and Mimi at Mimi’s cabin in Strawberry, splashing in creeks and lakes. I finished my biggest knitting project ever, a baby blanket I started in February. Lucas got to spend a week learning robotics and another learning kayaking, sailing, canoeing, wiggleboarding, and other boating skills at the Sac State Aquatics Center. We spent a fair amount of time in the pool. I moved my blog to my own website www.loveinthesuburbs.com—why? I’m still not exactly sure … Asher started puffing and playing trains.

September: We reached the end of 13 weeks of summer vacation and I celebrated! Lucas started second grade. We attended a spectacular wedding in San Francisco, and yes, it moved me to tears. Lucas participated in Michaelmas and showed great bravery and determination. He also started playing school. We celebrated the autumn equinox with homemade caramel apples—probably my most adventuresome culinary endeavor of the year. I started knitting a sweater for Asher, which is still a long way from being done. Ian and I had 49 hours without our kids in Santa Barbara and Solvang. Lucas lost his two front teeth!

October: Ian turned 38 and we went wine-tasting with a friend. We also played “Beatles Rock Band.” We created fun Halloween decorations from felt. We visited the pumpkin patch and I took a ton of photos, like usual. Lucas was Christopher Robin, Asher was a superhero and Ian and I were Peter Pan and Wendy. Asher started playing store and began a persistent habit of piling all his stuff in a huge jumble. Ian and I took on a big project and we worked all the time!

November: Lots of freelance work kept us hopping all month. We went on a wonderful vacation to Capitola over Thanksgiving. We visited the boardwalk at Santa Cruz, played games, dug in the sand, and chased waves. Lucas sewed a doll from scratch. Ian and the kids played with dry ice. We went on a Lantern Walk in the darkness.

December: December was so busy that it was hard to write. It snowed! We went to an Advent party with some friends, and went to an Advent ceremony at school. Lucas participated in a Santa Lucia celebration. Dad and I made plum jam again. Ian did more than his share of this Christmas shopping. I am reaching the end of an 18-month project and it has had me cranking (and a little cranky) all through Christmas. We enjoyed a wonderful Christmas party here at our home—the 15th—with old friends and new. Santa Claus visited and our beloved family showered us with far too many presents. We are tremendously blessed!

Over this past year, Asher has learned to talk, to play pretend, and gradually, to throw tantrums. He and Lucas are becoming closer and closer, which comes with its own set of problems but many, many delights. Asher has been weaned both from mama milk and his pacifier, about which he’s is still kind of mad. Gradually he moved to sleeping in his own bed part of the night, then most of the night, and now only part of the night again. His year was pretty constant and rhythmic, just as I hoped it would be, thanks in no small part to Tina and Janise at Ring-A-Rosie’s preschool.

My work was amazingly steady in 2009, with periods of extreme busyness and intensity. I am grateful for all the opportunities and learning experiences and feel like I’m entering 2010 in decent shape.

I do not know what the future holds, but I know it will be filled with all the mucky beauty of family life.

Happy New Year!

An elfin warrior and a good soldier koala man fight the evil emperor, who threatens the kingdom of cuddly Oo Ah Ee creatures!

No toys in this house are played with as much as these colorful silk scarves, except perhaps for Legos. Lucas never tires of inventing stories and now that Asher is almost 3-years-old, he has plenty to add to the games. Their play is far more imaginative,  interactive, and involves more role-playing than it was just six months ago. This is a beautiful thing because the more they play imagination games, the more they are cooperating instead of competing for resources. Fortunately, we have plenty of play silks.

I’m working on being both reasonable and flexible this holiday season—reasonable about what I can accomplish and flexible when circumstances change and obstacles arise.

I had high hopes that we could go up to the foothills this year to hunt for our Christmas tree, but the rainy weather on Saturday and limited time made the trip impossible. We always have such fun visiting the craft fairs and enjoying a slice of apple pie. Instead, we went to Lucas’s school and bought a beautiful tree. Our money will help the school and a group of girls who have formed a eurhythmy troop. We were back home with our tree in less than 30 minutes, which meant that we got the whole thing decorated in a day, instead of it taking all weekend (a day in the foothills, and a day to decorate the tree).

It’s wacky that so many of our ornaments have memories attached to them. I often know where they came from—who gave this one to us, what year I bought that one, which ones are handmade, where Mom and Dad were traveling when they picked up those two, what this one meant to me when I received it. I have ornaments that have been on my family’s Christmas tree since I was in preschool. And if that’s not sentimental, I don’t know what is.

Gorgeous persimmons are ripening on my kitchen counter top. Last Friday the B children came over after school and we made a batch of cookies with the couple of persimmons that were ripe enough.

I’m really enjoying spending time with Snow in the kitchen; she has greater follow-through than my boys do. I seem to have hit on the magic formula: Every child measures and pours an ingredient into the bowl, taking turns until everything is in. Everybody mixes, counting their strokes. Eventually, the littler ones drift away to do something else and Snow and I spoon the cookie dough onto the pan. Then, she’s off to play with the others and I get the job of waiting for the oven buzzer, switching out pans, and cleaning up—the boring parts.

I’m learning to recognize (sometimes) when I have a need or expectation for a holiday. To me, it wouldn’t be Christmas time if we didn’t bake cookies. My kiddos didn’t think to ask to do this. But I realized it was something I needed to do. So, I set it up, carved out a moment, and made it happen. Of course, the boys are overjoyed at the opportunity to eat cookies. And, really, who wouldn’t be?

I should add another observation. Besides the script in my mind that says, “good moms bake cookies for Christmas,” there is another script running: “Sexy moms don’t eat cookies.” A little conflict there, perhaps.

Work continues at a much more relaxed pace this month. I’m reviewing second pages now of my textbook, making sure all the intense and involved changes we asked for last month were made. It’s looking good and I’m happy that the people down the line were able to do it. This one is not exactly easy for them, I’m sure, even though I’ve done everything I can to make it as painless as possible.

With some professional coaching, I have managed to change my banner image on my blog to my own wintry photograph. I’ve also added a caching plug-in, so now my site will be faster. And that’s just plain nifty!

Yesterday morning we woke to find  S N O W !

It hardly ever snows here in the Sacramento Valley. I think the last time was many years ago—probably more than 10—I cannot remember snow falling in all the time we’ve lived in this home.

It was gorgeous and light, just a dusting, and so, so fleeting! It was gone before 9:00 a.m.

The snow was a lovely accompaniment to St. Nicholas Day, which came on the 7th for us. The boys woke to find goodies in their shoes—oranges, chocolates, peppermints, and little Star Babies to cuddle and keep in their pockets. (Alas, Asher could not have cared less about the Star Baby, even though it looks just like him.)