Oh my god! You don’t think your child is perfect all the time? He does things that ANNOY you? What the hell kind of mother are you!? Oh, right, the normal kind. I was getting worried that you were on powerful psychoactive drugs when I didn’t see this sort of thing sooner.

Of COURSE he drives you nuts. That’s pretty much his job. He wanders around looking for ‘fences’ and then bangs on them to be sure they hold. It makes him more secure to know there are limits. Give him what he wants. And the only way to keep him from learning new and spectacular ways to test those limits is to keep him with you 24/7/365…which is, of course a Bad Idea ™.

I’m of two minds on the right thing to do with this sort of thing. Absolutely the ‘extinction’ theory works. I’ve used it. It’s a great way to deal with bad behavior. But you also owe it to Lucas to teach him what sort of things are going to alienate other people so that he can get on in society. So, yeah, ignore the behavior as far as your emotional response to it (which you will have, thank gods) but tell him what he’s doing that is wrong. Extinction doesn’t have to mean ignoring the behavior completely, it just means no reinforcement. Separate him from your presense when he does something you don’t like…but do it unemotionally. Once he’s sequestered you can tear the stuffing out of teddy bears in frustration; just don’t let him see you do it. 😉

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Extinction works great in so many situations from cats to engineers.

If I remember anything from being around my mother at that age, I tend to believe it was just her willingness to keep doing it. She could be a major force, and she had her meltdowns. I recall a mystifying moment (was I four?) when I found her hiding in her closet, crying. I suspect my sister and I were just too much that day, and Daddy wasn’t anywhere near being home yet.

Lucas is busy being Lucas (and banging on the fences), that’s all. I wish I could say I believed parents could shape the core character of their children, but I believe it’s more compromise than that. I believe people come here with a sense of themselves already. So. In my ignorance, I am just suggesting that’s where some of the tug-of-war is coming from.

I don’t pretend to know anything about parenting. It’s easy to understand your frustration, and I respect your feelings. And I send my love.

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I have to agree. He’s pushing against me all the time. (Dad too, but he’s always pushed against dad. Freud was right; Lucas would dearly love to get rid of and replace dad, except when Ian does cool stuff with him like playing cars and airplanes and using tools and cooking, and reading stories.)

A few months ago I read a book called Your Three Year Old, which has the unfortunately astute subtitle of Friend or Enemy. At the time, I couldn’t believe some it, and yet now, I’m finding the book is almost 100% accurate:

“Three is a conforming age. Three-and-a-half is just the opposite. Refusing to obey is perhaps the key aspect of this turbulent, troubled period in the life of the young child. It sometimes seems to his mother that his main concern is to strengthen his will, and he strengthens this will by going against whatever is demanded of him by that still most important person in his life, his mother.

Many a mother discovers that even the simplest event or occasion can elicit total rebellion. Dressing, eating, going to the bathroom, getting up, going to bed–whatever the routine, it can be the scene and setting for an all-out, no-holds-barred fight.”

and…

“We may fairly, and in all friendliness, describe the Three-and-a-half-year-old boy or girl as being characteristically inwardized, insecure, anxious, and, above all, determined and self-willed.”

“… the child of this age makes his parents walk a real tightrope. This is done to the extent that some mothers, even those quite skilled at parenting, find their greatest success by turning their child over to a babysitter. … No mother of a child of this age should hesitate to place the burden of daily routines on the shoulders of a sitter, who for the time being, may be the best person for the task.”

The book goes one to give two pieces of advice:

“…even though he may be difficult at times, your child is not your enemy. It is not you against him. He fights you, when he does, because that is the way his mind and body work at this age….Do not unnecessarily multiply the occasions when your will must prevail. Stay out of conflict when you can. Even let him win at times.”

and…

“… remember that every child is an individual… but most highly endowed children do express the extremes of both the easy and the difficult ages.”

Miss Foseelovechild pointed out to me privately this morning than Lucas is naturally attracted to learning new things that mom and dad don’t offer him. As we do not offer him violence, etc., he’s eagerly lapping up new information. He’s essentially a curious sponge. I think she is absolutely correct in this.

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Makes sense…I think she’s right. Also, the book is dead on when it tells you to, essentially, choose your battles. You can’t win every time, so only dig in for the really important stuff.

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I told you I’d take him off your hands some night 🙂 I’m sorry it’s hard. I know we want to give kids a lot of cred for their honesty and it feels genuine when they tell you how much they like you in a way that adults aren’t capable of. I imagine this becomes incredibly painful as the shift occurs. I’m going to give you mad props for just getting a book read at this point in your life! Good job! xoxoxo

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Hey Kimkim, I would love to have a date with my husband sometime after Xmas. Would you be willing to babysit? Thanks for taking Ian out last night. I know he enjoyed it.

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