Feeling Sucky
It’s been a day. I’ve cried three four times today. I am not PMSing.
Presently, Lucas is doing time in his room for being a SHITHEAD to me and my mother. I have spent my day hauling him around to day camp, then back home, then to the doctor because his ears hurt again, then—in an attempt to save my sanity—over to my mother’s house for a visit and so I could mooch some of her diet Pepsi (we had no coffee in the house today). It was fine, for a while. We went outside to put our feet in the swimming pool. Lucas’s doctor said he cannot swim for 3 to 4 days because he has “swimmer’s ear,” which is an inflammation/infection of the outer ear canal. He managed to get wet, but that was OK. Then he jumped on a raft when my head was turned. I explained that he mustn’t get his head wet, but I thought riding on the raft would be fine. Twenty minutes later, he was in the pool completely, up to his neck. I do not think his ears got wet, but he disobeyed me in getting in the pool. I put him on a chair for a time out and tried to continue my conversation with my mother. Basically, he got all snotty and rude, saying mean and disrespectful things until I said, “Enough. We’re leaving.” I bundled him and Asher into the car. Lucas was completely obnoxious and awful the whole way home, only showing remorse when I told him he’d be spending the rest of the afternoon in his room again for being so disrespectful. Frankly, it was embarrassing to have him act that way to my mom.
I should have stuck to my guns and not let him near the water. But honestly, I thought he could handle it and be trusted. It was stupid of us to teach him all those words—now he can say really mean and hurtful things to us.
This is the icing on the cake, though. I was feeling shitty before this outburst. I’m bored to tears taking care of these children and this house. (Not that I do all that much about the state of the house beyond damage control.) I am freaking out about money and the fact I’m not making any. There are days when I wonder why the hell I had children. This is definitely one of them. What was I thinking?
Asher is a complete attention hog, and while he’s very cute and learning all kinds of great stuff, he’s also learning how to throw temper tantrums and avoid napping—which is the only time of the day I can get anything done. He’s clingy and whiny and won’t let me do anything—no reading, no cleaning, no projects, no computer time, no writing, no cooking—not without constant whining and troublemaking. I tried coloring today in the hopes that it would lift my spirits. Asher made it impossible by dumping all of Lucas’s crayons and drawing on the couch. Basically, he’s a perfectly normal almost-17-month-old baby. Ian observed, there’s no creature on earth more devoted than a baby of 17 to 19 month of age—kind of like your worst possible stalker.
OK— Now it’s 8:09 pm and Lucas isn’t busted anymore. He has painstakingly written two apology letters. I’ve had a couple of cocktails and a yummy dinner, so I’m feeling a little better. Probably, all of the above is temporary madness. OY. Can I go to bed now?
June 21, 2008 at 2:02 am
Sara I just want you to know that from all of your stories and from what little I have personally witnessed…. If I ever become a mother I hope to be 1/10th of what you are to your children. I know they are probably a pain in the butt and several other body parts at all times but you handle it well and with grace. I hope to be a tiny bit like you, and you are allowed to have your down days because the up days are so so so much worth it. 🙂 chin up!
June 21, 2008 at 2:27 am
I know that you’re going through some rough and tough times but like we talked about; these times can’t last forever. They just feel like they will at the moment. You’re doing the right thing here in your role and you are loved and appreciated by your boys. I am always just a call away and during the day if you need a friend, I will try to come running for you.
I love you, hang on there, sister!
June 21, 2008 at 10:17 am
Aw honey. I’m sorry about your day. The idea of having two (wonderfully brilliant, totally appropriate for their age) kids to deal with at the same time boggles my mind. It’s like a direct collision of two planets! Yeesh.
Please give yourself credit for sticking with them and not, say, melting down and locking them in the closet for a few hours (yes this happened more than once when I was young).
I hope you got to go to bed for a while, too. Mm. Cocktails.
Love you.
June 21, 2008 at 2:05 pm
Get it all out sister!!! You have free license to vent to us how much you want to strangle their precious little necks sometimes! At the end of the day we know how much you love them, what a miracle they are and that also by being super royal pains in the ass that doesn’t somehow cancel out all the good. Photographer Scott Church posted this pic of his two year old son today that made me feel like you were having similar days.
June 21, 2008 at 2:07 pm
I’m backing Moist 100% on this one. Word, Moist.
June 21, 2008 at 3:24 pm
You sound very human to me. And in a strange way, I am comforted. I think it’s because you seem like such an amazing mom to me, it’s nice to know you have those feelings too. It makes me feel a little less guilty for having them sometimes myself.
June 21, 2008 at 3:24 pm
I so want one of these shirts.
June 22, 2008 at 12:46 pm
Thank you, Monkey. That’s very sweet of you to say. Sometimes I don’t feel very graceful. I’m doing better now. xoxo
June 22, 2008 at 12:47 pm
Thank you, honey. I appreciate it. I’ll try to call you before I murder someone.
June 22, 2008 at 12:52 pm
Thanks, Dakini. They are like colliding planets, sometimes. I’ve been realizing how their ages seem to require opposite things. When Asher needs to sleep, Lucas needs to be taken somewhere. When Lucas needs to chill out, Asher’s having a hissy fit, etc. I find my self doing triage all day long: Who needs what he needs the most?
I suppose Lucas’s bedroom is bigger than a closet, so that’s good.
June 22, 2008 at 12:56 pm
It does feel good to vent. It also hurts to air out all my failures to the world. I guess it’s a good hurt, though.
I wonder if Scott Church’s son and Asher are related?
June 22, 2008 at 12:58 pm
Oh, I have loads of thoughts and desires that directly conflict with motherhood. I love my kids, but you can count on me to tell it like it is. The guilt? Well, I haven’t figured out a way around that, though.