Feelings! Woah, Woah, Woah, Feelings!
Lucas is coming into his “feeling years.” You may ask yourself, as I did, “What the hell have we been in all this time then, if not “feeling years”?
Well, as he approaches 7 and spends most of his day now navigating the social morass of other 7-year-olds, we are hearing from him about his good days and bad days at school. He has good buddies and kids who were good buddies yesterday, or last week, but who now are hated and bitter enemies because of some infraction—real or imagined. Lucas has always been a sensitive child, and although he usually lets his soft underbelly show only at home, he now spends more than half of his energy every day figuring out how to be in these social situations.
Partly because of their age and partly their gender, the boys at school have roughly formed into “teams.” I think team membership fluctuates. Lucas describes “battles” and “fights” in which bad kids do bad things, and Lucas and his “good guy” teammates try valiantly to make the “bad guys” stop. He tells us he is part of the group of first-grade enforcers of good, moral behavior, fairness, and rule following. He thinks he is a kind of cop. I know the boys at school do sometimes wrestle and roughhouse in a way that is not tolerated at public schools. They are permitted to tussle in the mud and run with sticks and build forts to keep the enemy out. And I think this is good because he’s playing these war games in a supervised environment with others who are his size and age, and not with little Asher. I’m told I mustn’t coddle the boy; he must be allowed to play out his aggressions, work through his fantasies. Lucas, like Captain Kirk, must be hit on the chin a few times to cement those best-friend bonds, right? So, mostly I don’t worry about this stuff. I expect that the teachers are on top of it; I know that Ms. Duncan put a damper on some too-rough behaviors earlier this year.
So, that’s some of what’s going on at school. When Lucas comes home, he’s a little beat. He often is tired and needs down time, and he seems to need to take out his frustrations on me. I don’t like it, but I know that’s what he’s doing. Sometimes he forgets to take off his psychic armor and put down his weapons before he comes home. He is churlish and rude, spouting sarcasm and criticism, like say, if I don’t get the car door unlocked quickly enough and he has to stand there a moment waiting. I love this kid, but that shit don’t fly! We frequently have an “attitude adjustment” period each afternoon, usually less than an hour, in which we butt heads and I remind him that he mustn’t speak to me so rudely. I remind Lucas of our looooong talk of a couple of months ago.
See, we had been fighting all the time and were both frustrated and short-tempered. In our looooong talk, I told Lucas that if he wanted fewer Noes and more Yeses from me, if he wanted more “Good jobs!” and “Thank you, honeys!,” he would have to give me more “OK, Mommys!” It finally clicked, and I have been getting lots more “OK, Mommys!” since then. So, our daily attitude adjustment period often involves a reminder of this deal we struck.
Ian is often flummoxed by Lucas’s sudden crying jags. Yesterday’s was about cereal. It’s really easy to set Lucas off at home (where he is safe to fly off the handle and lose his shit), and we all manage to do it frequently. It can seem like the wind merely shifts direction, and suddenly Lucas’s mood turns from joyful to deeply wounded. This is where my theory of feelings comes in again. I think he’s just enough aware of other people now and his place among them that he is constantly measuring and weighing every comment against his ego. In short, Lucas is developing a filter. Every word he hears, every action, every interaction goes through Lucas’s Feelings Filter: Does this build me up or tear me down?
Sound familiar?
Growing up is hard.
But I should end this with the bright side of the coin because it truly is shiny. Lucas is also delightful to be around. He manages to do a lot for himself these days, can entertain himself, and is resourceful and creative. He is often very kind to Asher and does his best to keep Asher happy and safe. He gives great hugs and still craves attention from me and Ian. He has learned to be friendly with his adult friends, engaging people in conversation and making jokes. He is a wonderful kid with many interests and I’m really proud of him.
