Heart to Heart

My father just left my house. He came over this morning to have a Talk. He came to tell me all the things he wants me to know in case he doesn’t "make it." I am so gratful to have this man as a father. I cannot imagine a better dad for me, and I can’t bear the thought of losing him.

He said he loves me, he’s proud of me. He said he thinks I am a wonderful person, daughter, woman, mother. He’s happy and proud that I have two wonderful children and a wonderful husband. He wants me to know he loves me and that I have become all he had hoped I would, and more. He cried. I cried. We held hands. My hands are still tiny when cradled in his.

He admitted to being scared now of the surgery that is to happen next Tuesday. I guess for some time they have to stop his heart and then restart it. That has him feeling frightened. The doctor said there is a 3 to 5% chance that something will go wrong and he "won’t make it," which I suppose is a more gentle way of saying he might die and that the foundation stone of my whole life might crumble away.

Sorry—it’s hard not to be melodramatic when the tears are streaming down my face.  

Dad said he hopes to always be there for me, and said—for the first time ever—that he thinks he always will be in some form. He didn’t define it. He didn’t say "afterlife" or "spirit" or "heaven," but he implied he will always be by my side.

I told Dad I was scared. That I’m not finished with him. That I still need him. I said thank you for everything, thank you for all the time we’ve been spending together lately. That it’s been wonderful and I love it and I love him. I told him he is the best father a girl could ever want or have. That I want him to be around for a long, long time.

Then we started talking about practical things: his work, how he’ll need time to recover. How I’m to hire a housekeeper to help them out next month. How I might find a personal chef to bring them meals a couple of times per week. Mom is in the season of grading papers and exams and is worried about getting it all done with Dad recovering. We moved away from painful heartfelt stuff and back to the everyday.

We hugged a long time when he left. We both started crying again. We said, "It will all be all right." Then he said, "Besides, I still have to take those beautiful boys of yours shooting."

21 Responses to “Heart to Heart”

  • dakini_grl
    October 22, 2008 at 2:02 pm

    Your dad is such a lovely, compassionate man. I’m so glad he took the time now to tell you everything in his heart, and tell you how proud he is of your beautiful self. That takes some wisdom, and sense of self. I’m so glad you got to say the same to him too. I’m glad you could tell each other the truth.

    I love you darling. Please know I am thinking of you and your parents, and wish all the healing and perfect outcome I have.

    Reply

  • mickibean
    October 22, 2008 at 2:10 pm

    Sending you and the fam love~ Ill keep a candle burning for your pops and sendout good intentions for his health~ Big hug to you sweetness:)

    Reply

  • frosteee
    October 22, 2008 at 3:11 pm

    Ditto what the lovely ladies said…
    I know this is a hard time for you because you love him so much, but please try to keep your head up. Just keep thinking that things will be all right with his surgery. Positive thoughts help so much in these situations.

    Our hearts are with you and your family.
    I love you. XOXO

    Reply

  • zindelo
    October 22, 2008 at 5:06 pm

    Well, the National Safety Council says we’ve got a 1.2% chance of dying in a car crash when we drive, so I’m thinking no sweat. Convincing him not to go back to work a week or two after the operation is another story though.

    Reply

  • amaniellen
    October 22, 2008 at 5:08 pm

    I can’t even read this post all at one time, it’s so emotional and lovely. I am sending you virtual hugs and so much love. I hope for the best outcome for you and your father.

    Reply

  • mrplanet4
    October 22, 2008 at 6:17 pm

    Much love and many thoughts to you all. I’m glad he was able to say all of that to you.

    Reply

  • smiley_t
    October 22, 2008 at 7:01 pm

    I understand EXACTLY how you are feeling right now. Sending lots of healing thoughts to your dad. And just think… when he’s all recovered he’s going to have more energy to spend with you and the kids. For many more years to come.

    Reply

  • lunagirl35
    October 22, 2008 at 7:53 pm

    …to have a love like that in your life. I’m sure he appreciates you as much as you appreciate him.

    Reply

  • sarabellae
    October 23, 2008 at 1:06 am

    Thanks, Dakini. He is lovely and compassionate and … well, my dad. I can’t help but wonder if this was motivated by the fact that he lost his own father fairly suddenly. I think they were very close.

    Reply

  • sarabellae
    October 23, 2008 at 1:07 am

    Thank you, darling. I know you know what it’s like to want your Daddy.

    Reply

  • sarabellae
    October 23, 2008 at 1:08 am

    Positive thoughts. Right!

    All will be well. All will be well. All things will be well.

    Reply

  • sarabellae
    October 23, 2008 at 1:10 am

    No kidding! I appreciate your help in setting remote computer access up for him. It’s helping him think beyond next Tuesday, and I think that’s very good for him and all of us. He told me today that he wouldn’t work for two weeks. We’ll see. I plan on taking my kids over to his house at every opportunity: God knows it’s next to impossible to work when they’re around.

    Reply

  • sarabellae
    October 23, 2008 at 1:12 am

    Thank you. Please keep us in mind next Tuesday. I am so grateful to have had this opportunity to talk about our important feelings. I know it wasn’t easy for him to do it.

    Reply

  • sarabellae
    October 23, 2008 at 1:14 am

    Me too. Thanks. I just hope by the end of next week I’ll be feeling silly for my unnecessary melodrama and ridiculous morbid thoughts.

    All will be well.

    Reply

  • sarabellae
    October 23, 2008 at 1:16 am

    I knew you would. Thank you for the empathy and kindness you have spared me during a lame-ass time in your own family’s life. Here’s to many, many more years of lots of free babysitting by healthy grandpas.

    Reply

  • sarabellae
    October 23, 2008 at 1:16 am

    It’s true. I am the luckiest girl in the world. I learned that a long time ago. Thank you for your support during this sucky time.

    Reply

  • kimkimkaree
    October 23, 2008 at 3:46 am

    It’s good to have these talks even though everything is going to go amazingly well.

    Reply

  • tshuma
    October 23, 2008 at 8:45 pm

    It’s hardly melodramatic, and no apologies necessary. Hell, you made *me* cry, and I don’t even like my father.

    I’m glad you’ve had these past many weeks of special times together, and I’m glad you’ve had the time to say the things we so rarely seem to say to our loved ones. Most of all I’m glad that you will have these things to carry with you during the operation and the recovery, and that your family has given him every reason to fight his way back to his life should anything happen to threaten it.

    Luck and love to you, beautiful.

    Reply

  • sarabellae
    October 24, 2008 at 12:13 pm

    Oh, yeah. I know it’s not easy for him to say all that stuff; he’s more one for showing his love by doing things for you, fixing stuff, giving advice, etc. I really appreciate that he said it and that I was able to speak what is in my heart, too. I hope you’re right: Everything is going to go amazingly well.

    Reply

  • sarabellae
    October 24, 2008 at 12:15 pm

    Thank you for the good wishes. They mean everything to me. Right now I’m just putting one foot in front of the other. I expect next week will be like that too.

    Reply

  • sarabellae
    October 24, 2008 at 12:15 pm

    Oh, and thank you for the support!

    Reply

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  • About Sara

    Thanks for visiting! I’m Sara, editor and writer, wife to Ian, and mother of two precious boys. I am living each day to the fullest and with as much grace, creativity, and patience as I can muster. This is where I write about living, loving, and engaging fully in family life and the world around me. I let my hair down here. I learn new skills here. I strive to be a better human being here. And I tell the truth.

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