I’m Crazy

How come I can look in a mirror one day and think, “Cool. I look hot, all things considered,” then the next day I look in the mirror and hate myself for having gained weight? Why is it that my self-perceptions change, sometimes from one moment to the next? Why is it possible to enjoy my meals with gusto, happily indulge in dessert, and then wake at 2 a.m. wracked with guilt about those uncessary calories? It’s constant justification and then self-flagellation in my head. I tell myself that I don’t have to kill myself to loose the 13 pounds I want to lose: It’s been a big, eventful, baby-producing year for me, after all. Then I tell myself that I am not a worthy human being if I don’t discipline myself to eat less, exercise constantly, and look skinny, like a 20-something who hasn’t had kids. I should be back to my size 6 that I worked so hard to fit into after Lucas was about 2.

2 Responses to “I’m Crazy”

  • kimkimkaree
    July 16, 2007 at 9:33 pm

    Aren’t you a little Gemini twin? 😉 Actually that is every woman to varying degrees – many men, too. I think it’s your inner critic talking. I am reading a book about “creativity recovery” and the writer says that’s the little voice inside your head that use to tell primitive man not to go out in the dark and dance in the moonlight when predators are about, and is now supposedly the mean little voice that tells you you suck. I am not sure if I subscribe to that or not but I DO subscribe to the idea that an inner critic exists inside all of us and it is the enemy of creativity and happiness. I am currently battling it head on as weight is a problem I haven’t been able to solve permanently my whole life and am now realizing that that little critic is the root of all kinds of problems. I am posting the title of the book on my LJ because I think it’s pretty cool. I wish you luck, and don’t listen to that little bastard. Love you.


  • dakini_grl
    July 16, 2007 at 11:58 pm

    If I knew the answer to this one, I would tell you. And then you and I would have our own cable talk show and we would deliver our fascinating message of salvation to the world, letting every woman like us off the hook. Forever.

    I love you and I think you’re beautiful. I know that doesn’t change how you feel about you, and I hope you know I fight my own wars about this. I just love you and think you’re beautiful.


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  • About Sara

    Thanks for visiting! I’m Sara, editor and writer, wife to Ian, and mother of two precious boys. I am living each day to the fullest and with as much grace, creativity, and patience as I can muster. This is where I write about living, loving, and engaging fully in family life and the world around me. I let my hair down here. I learn new skills here. I strive to be a better human being here. And I tell the truth.

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