Looking Forward
I need to find a way to turn my frown upside down. I have a hair trigger these days. I’m crabby with my kids. Ian wishes I would smile more. It doesn’t help that I’m insanely jealous of my nearest and dearest who are embarking on life-changing, mind-blowing, sexy adventures like Burning Man and world travel. Someday …
Things are definitely way better than they were a month ago. To outsiders, it might seem that very little has changed, but to me it definitely feels better. I’ve been getting more projects and earning more money. My trips to the gym are paying off in small but noticeable ways, not the least of which is that I’m enjoying my treadmill runs. It is good for my body and even better for my brain.
I’m looking forward to school starting. Twelve weeks of summer vacation is exhausting. We have seven more days of vacation and then first grade starts for Lucas. Returning to a daily rhythm in which I have a little space/time to myself will be sooo good for me, and it will also be good for Lucas to have the daily companionship of his friends. They are as rambunctious as he. Asher and I are just not able to keep up with his 6-year-old fount of energy and constant blathering. His attitude is sometimes shitty and I find myself grouching at him all too often.
Another bonus will be having more contact with other parents, some of whom I can be bitchy with and some of whom inspire me to be a better mom. A balance between venting and centering in my Now is what I hope to strike again. I have sorely missed my friend Kelly because she makes me feel so much better about what I’m doing with my life at present. She is one of those people who just looks into your soul, forgives you your faults, and tells you “There, there. It will all be fine.” Also, the school has meetings, lectures, and various events that support and hold us as parents, so that we may better hold our children. I find participation has been helpful the last two years of Kindergarten. I hope it will continue to be so through the grades.
Asher will be going to the babysitters’ more often, starting next week, too, so I’ll have a little more space away from him as well. This will allow me to work and meet my deadlines, find new clients, operate as a professional with a brain instead of a mere milk-making machine. Hopefully, he’ll make a bunch of new friends closer to his age. He has become accustomed to going to Ring-A-Rosies two mornings a week. When I say, “Let’s go to school so you can play with your kids” he nods, smiles, and heads for the door, saying “Gg!” So I am optimistic that he will adjust well to four mornings per week.
When I look at my present emotional health, or lack thereof, I am reminded of the time of year. I have observed over the years that late summer/early autumn is a time of big internal change. It’s a time of evaluating where I stand, tearing down constructs that no longer serve me, reviewing, revisioning, reinventing. It is a crazy time of upheaval. Skeletons walk beside me and I’m certain that everyone can see them as well as I. I have come to accept this as part of my own cycle, the turning of my own wheel of the year. It jibes with others’, but since it’s my own personal mythology that I ascribe to, that fact doesn’t really matter. I just expect earthquakes to shake everything out. I must simply embrace it and let the change wash over me.
