Poor Ian had to work in Fresno yesterday. In fact, he had to work in Fresno until 7 pm. So Lucas and I were on our own for the evening, while daddy drove back home in the rain.

Lucas has been playing “Cowgirl” a lot lately. He has a stuffed rocking horse that he recently named Lily. He has a string into which I have tied a loop to make a lasso. He has a cowgirl hat from Cattlemen’s that Papa gave him. And just a few days ago, Lucas was given a western shirt that’s red with black chest panels, embroidered horse heads, and white fringe. Lily and Lucas have been riding the range a lot; if Lucas gets that pony rocking, he can actually travel all over the house without ever dismounting from his faithful steed. Together, they take care of their herd of two cows, one of which is named Pretty. The other cow is named Not Pretty.

Well, last night, Lucas hitched Lily up to the chuck wagon and we sat down to supper. But not before he fed Lily some hay.

“Lily eats a whole wagon of hay. She can eat even more than an elephant. Even 100 hays!”

“Is the sun going down?”
“Yes”
“Why?”
“Because the sun goes down every night and comes up every morning.”
“What if the sun didn’t come up?”
“Well, the world would change.”
“Oh. How?”
“Without the sun there would be no plants on earth. And that means there would be no animals.”
“Oh.”
“And without the plants and the animals, there would be no people. So the sun is very important.”
“If there was no sun it would be dark all the time, like space.”
“Right. Like space.”
“Would there still be rockets?”
…
“One day, me and Tidoo saw a very strange thing: a salmon driving an airplane, and a sharky driving a car!”
…
“One day, me and Tidoo had soup and soup and soup and soup. She loves soup. One day, I cooked her soup and she even eats soup for breakfast. And for a treat after she eats soup, she gets donuts. And ice cream. Tidoo eats mostly healthy foods.”
…
“One day, me and Tidoo had noodles and raviolis and french fries for dinner. And after dinner, we had donuts and ice cream and vanilla chocolate sticks. And flavor water. And it was a big whole party!”
…
“A rodeo is where the cowboys and cowgirls take their ponies and their cows for training. Is it dirty at a rodeo?”
“Yes, I think so. Dirty, dusty, and maybe even muddy,” I replied.
“No Mom, rodeos are only in summer so there’s no mud, only dust.”
…
“Did you know horses like soup? They do. I have seen a horse eat soup.”
…
“One day, I went on a walk by myself without Tidoo. Tidoo was sick and you guys stayed with her in her bed. I got to do the cow work and go to the rodeo. I just checked out my credit card, but the rodeo was closing. The people were still there. I went there to get my credit card because I left it there last night. And I rode my pony at the rodeo. The thing is, ponies can knock you off. They can!”
…
“At rodeos, horses usually eat oats, barley, beans, um… hay, apples, but not carrots. If you feed a horse a carrot, it will get sick.”
“Actually, I think horses really like carrots,” I offered.
“Tomorrow, I think I will go back to the rodeo. If it’s open, I think I’ll ride my pony there. You know, there’s lots of ponies at rodeos.”
…
“What if people didn’t love me?” Lucas wondered.
“Everyone loves you,” I said.
“Even you and dad?”
“Especially me and dad.”
“But what if people didn’t love me?”
“Well, I can’t even imagine that. You have so many friends and people love you so much.”
“You are the best mommy ever. … I just want to give soft little loves to your nipples.”

There is a blue sky over my house and sparkly sunshine pouring down all around me. The puddles are evaporating! Halle-freakin-lujah!

Who loves the sun? Me me me me ME

I’m reposting this (slightly edited) “Comment” I wrote to Rebecca to my journal because it details some of my thoughts about chronic illness, health, and my own history and relationship with my asthma.

************
4/5/06
“I can see how you could get stuck in all those questions. I don’t know if there are any answers to them. I don’t know about Prozac, but I can relate to some of what you say. I used to go into similar cycles and thoughts with regard to my asthma medicine. I would get sick, the docs would pump me full of meds, then I would get better. After a while, I would start feeling like a healthy person–the kind of person who doesn’t need to take preventive medication (every f—ing day). I would feel good, and NORMAL. I would forget some doses and take others, and eventually taper off to taking nothing. Then I would get sick again. Very sick. I would beat myself up for being foolish, for thinking that I might someday live a normal, nonmedicated life. The cycle would repeat. This went on for many years.

“For a while I tried all kinds of alternative therapies to manage my asthma. I liked the acupuncture, especially, but the acupuncturist was treating me with herbs as well as with needles. The primary herb she had me taking was ma huang, which is ephedra, which was a major component of my asthma drugs at the time anyway. So, I had this great burning desire not to be on drugs, but I was on drugs regardless. It became obvious and stupid after a while.

“We all want to be healthy. We want for our bodies and minds to function normally, without supports or disciplines of any kind (meds, exercise, proper nutrition, proper sleep cycles). We want to be able to call all the shots with our brains. But our bodies are systems–extremely complicated, interrelated systems. When you mess up one part, you throw off all the other parts of the system.

“Eventually, I grew up enough to realize and accept the fact that I have a medical condition that will not go away. My “health” is relative and is on a continuum. I am healthiest when I take my medications–when my various body systems function smoothly. I require those props to function with the greatest degree of balance.

“Prozac may be a different animal, but the pattern seems to be the same.”

I’m in search of interview subjects for an article I’m working on for Sacramento Magazine.

It’s a piece about gentle exercise and how gentle forms of exercise may be the best option, particularly if you have chronic health issues such as arthritis, asthma, bad back, heart problems, etc. I would like to interview people who have a medical condition like this, and who have managed to incorporate a gentle exercise into their health regimens (and have benefited from doing so). I want interviewees who have taken their health condition seriously enough to be dedicated to their own management and/or recovery.

Interview subjects must be residents of the greater Sacramento area. I’ve already got a line on an older yoga instructor and someone who is recovering from a severe back injury.

I would especially LOVE to interview people with health problems who do the following:
* someone who practices tai chi or other GENTLE martial art
* a belly dancer
* a swimmer
* a dedicated walker
* a water aerobics devotee

Any/every (adult) age, gender, sexual, or ethnic identity is welcome. I always do my best to reflect Sacramento’s diversity in my work as much as possible.

Here is a brief article description:
Gentle Exercise—Although it’s fun to read about people who train to run marathons in their 50s when they never exercised before, many people just aren’t going to do that. Here’s a guide for people who are really out of shape, are elderly, or have physical problems, such as bad knees, weight problems, high blood pressure, asthma, arthritis, etc. The article will cover how to get started in a gentle exercise routine safely, what questions they should bring up with their doctor before they embark upon any new exercise regime, what types of exercises are ideal for various chronic health issues, who might benefit from choosing a gentle exercise to increase their overall wellness (elderly, young people whose bodies are still developing, pregnant women). I will be discussing benefits that range from the purely physical to the emotional/psychological. I will also be covering specific easy-on-you, low-impact exercise modes such as tai chi, yoga, race walking, water aerobics, etc., in a sidebar.

Please let me know if you think you might know someone who would fit the bill. Please contact me BEFORE you discuss the article with this person. I prefer to decide if an interviewee is appropriate for the piece before s/he is promised an appearance in the magazine.

Thanks very much!

Today is the first day that I feel sorry for Lucas and all his wee friends at preschool. When I dropped him off this morning it was dumping rain and he looked rather forlorn, despite his being bundled in lined pants, two shirts, a sweater, rain pants, warm socks, rain boots, rain coat, and warm hat. I think even the children, who instinctively and compulsively delight in splashing and puddles and mud, are a bit sick and tired of this wet, wet weather. Miss Jennifer looks positively exhausted, which is not a good look on a teacher at 8:45 on a Monday morning. She spends all her time dressing and undressing and redressing soaked little people. We are saturated. Enough, already! At least give us a few days to dry out.

Empower me
to be a bold participant,
rather than a timid saint in waiting,
in the difficult ordinariness of now;
to exercise the authority of honesty;
rather than to defer to power,
or deceive to get it;
to influence someone for justice,
rather than impress anyone for gain;
and, by grace, to find treasures
of joy, of friendship, of peace
hidden in the fields of the daily
you give me to plow.

—Ted Loder

Tidoo is alternately 1 year old and 6 years old. Sometimes Tidoo gets to do awesome stuff that Lucas gets to tag along for. Sometimes, Tidoo is a trouble-maker. I learn more and more about her each day.

“One day, me and Tidoo went to Disneyland and we stayed there for 1870 minutes. We had to stay the night.”

“One day, me and Tidoo went to the aquarium and we went diving. We saw a great big Leopard shark and it was eating a fish. We petted the shark, but it was busy eating the fish, so we didn’t even get bitten.”

“One day, me and Tidoo killed a chicken. We went k-k-k-k, and the head fell off. Then we cut off the feet and we levered off the fur. Then, we made chicken soup out of the mesh for me and Tidoo to eat.”

“One day, me and Tidoo took the train to Canada. Tidoo drove the train. Then I drove the train. We want to move to Canada.”

Today, my lover kissed me
with a warm, open mouth.
I woke with my arms wrapped around
a vigorous small body.
Sunshine warmed my skin.
I performed useful, holy work.
I listened and I shared.
I called my mother to say thank you.
My son brought me a handful
of wilty, spent dandelion stems
without blossom or fluff.
We placed them reverently, one by one,
into a vase
to grace our dinner table.
A friend gave me a book to read.
My house is warm,
and abundant, fresh food
is in my kitchen.
In my back yard,
the weeping cherry tree cascades
pink blossoms
on leafless branches.
Tulips are coming up.
The boy is napping.

Spring is in the air today.

I just spent several hours with an exceptionally inspiring person whom I am proud to call a friend. You know how some days you wake up and realize it’s time for a change? Well, today is one of those days. Some stuff has been percolating inside me for a while, some new ideas, new goals, new perspectives. I’m trying to free them and let them be born into my world, into my reality.

I’ve been thinking a lot about creativity lately, and about the creative process. I’ve been spending a fair amount of time contemplating that creative urge and what is required to make it manifest. I’m struggling to unlock all the doors that stand between my creations and the world. They are locks I’ve placed on doors I’ve built myself. Time to let in some fresh air and let my creations outside to play.

This is getting pretty New Agey. But I’m not going to allow my Inner Cynic to smother this feeling. (Let me know if you’d prefer not to read my New Agey ramblings, and I’ll take you off the filter.) I think I’m going to allow myself to get New Agey to explore some ideas and do some inner work. Somehow, I think I’m ready to move in new directions.

So, creation walks hand in hand with discipline, I think. I’m going to let this tool, my LiveJournal, help me establish a new discipline—one that supports my aspirations and creations. I feel a powerful urge to write, and LJ has unlocked one of those doors. So, I guess I’ll start in two ways.

First I’ll breathe.

Then I’ll write.

Then I’ll breathe some more.

You know how sometimes you read just the right thing at just the right moment? Synchronicity is real.

A poem by Marianne Williamson:

Our deepest fear
is not that we are inadequate.
Our deepest fear
is that we are powerful beyond measure.
It is out light,
not our darkness,
that most frightens us.
We ask ourselves,
who am I to be brilliant,
gorgeous, talented, fabulous?

Actually, who are you not to be?
You are a child of God.
Your playing small doesn’t serve the world.
There’s nothing enlightening about shrinking
so that other people
won’t feel insecure around you.

We were born to make manifest
the glory of God that is within us.
It’s not just in some of us;
it’s in everyone.
And as we let our own light shine,
we unconsciously give other people
permission to do the same.
As we are liberated from our own fear,
our presence automatically liberates others.

—Marianne Williamson