I’m very frustrated with Lucas today. He wouldn’t nap again.

He is trying really hard to give up his naps. I’m told that this is pretty much on schedule; usually kids give up naps sometime between 3.5 years old and 5 years old. But honestly, I’m just not ready for him to stop napping. I need that time to clear my head, to think about other important things, to work and earn money, to have some quiet. Lately he chatters incessantly and won’t give me a moment’s peace! He wants a witness for his play and an audience for his stories (unless he’s singing. Then he wants me not to hear him). I need those naps!

I’ve taken to performing a super-elaborate ritual to maximize the chances that he’ll sleep. I pick him up from school. He gets to eat a snack in the car on the way home. I don’t give him juice before nap. He is allowed to play for an hour at home, to acclimate to his home space and to work out some feelings about his day at school. Then I provide warnings: Naptime is in 15 minutes. I supervise his trip to the bathroom and change his clothes: he gets a pull-up and soft, clean pants to wear. I give him soy milk. I gather his favorite stuffed bears and Tidoo. I read two or three stories, depending on which ones he picks and how long they are. We lie down in my bed together. We snuggle. I let him put his hand down my shirt to touch my “so-soft warm skin.” I close my eyes and breath rhythmically. I try to settle him down with soft words, with loves, with back rubs. I’m often in there for a half-hour or more.

Sometimes all of this works beautifully. He goes to sleep and naps for 1.5 to 2.5 hours. Often I fall asleep too, but only for about 10 minutes or so. Then I carefully extricate myself from his grasp and tip-toe out of the room. I then rush to my computer and work for as long as he stays asleep.

Sometimes his wiggling and talking never stops. He cracks jokes; he pinches. He slaps me. Sometimes I whack him back and then feel like shit. Nothing makes me madder than this little game of his. I tell him that if he doesn’t settle down, he’ll lose his opportunity to sleep with mommy and will have to go to his room. If I get to the threat phase, I’ve usually already lost the battle. Then it becomes a matter of saving face, of staying in control, of following through on my promises, of not letting him be a shit and immediately get to do what he wants. I hate this part of being a parent. It sucks.

So, off we march to Lucas’s room. I put him in his bed. He usually fights me, and jumps up immediately. I leave the room and close the door. He tries to get out. I hold the door closed. Now I’m standing in the hallway, engaged in a battle of wills and unable to work anyway. So I set the timer and tell him he can come out in a half-hour, as long as he stays in his room for that time. Sometimes that works. Sometimes he howls with rage, begs for me to come to him, promises to be good, bangs on the door, and tries to break free.

I try really hard not to let the situation escalate to this level. And I try to bring it back down as rapidly and painlessly (for both of us) as possible. Today I tried to smooth the situation by keeping my voice calm and not shouting and by putting some soothing music on in his room, hoping that he would stop arguing and just stay in there. I just needed him to do the time, at that point. Clearly, a nap was out of the question.

The consequence of not napping is a bedtime that is an hour earlier than the normal bedtime. But the consequence is so far removed in time from the behavior, that he hardly notices. I hope that will change as he matures, however.

I’m making mistakes, I know that. I’m giving him too much attention before nap, and he has developed sophisticated means and techniques for maintaining our engagement, stretching out the time more and more. But honestly, I don’t really know what to do. I had better figure it out though—he is only going to grow bigger.

I’m really frustrated right now, so I’m not really looking for suggestions or for someone to try to solve this problem for me. I already know that I’m fucking up. Something has to change.

For you know who…

An unspoken word,
A shared secret that blooms into laughter,
A silent touch
Reminds us
We are better for each other,
Because of each other,
Than we would ever be apart.
You read the thoughts in my mind
Before I can say them aloud,
Moments
That confound our friends
But lead us to hum the Twilight Zone tune
And roll our eyes,
Smiling with delight
And mischief.
Sometimes I like to lie in bed
Just to smell you when you’re not here.
It’s easy to take you for granted,
Like my own hand
Or my eyes
Because you are
my perfect companion.

I think I’ll go smell the sheets.

I’m hoping you talented people can help me with something. Do you have any writing strategies for non-fiction that have worked for you that I might share with a client? I’m espcially interested in strategies for long-term, big, or book-length projects, not just how to get a school paper done in a day.

Here are some questions that will get you thinking along the lines of what I’m looking for:

* How do you structure your writing time?

* How do you develop a rhythm?

* How do you shut up the critic/editor in you long enough to actually get words on paper? In other words, how do you honor both sides of your brain–the creator and the editor, without allowing the editor/critic to paralyze the creator?

* What are some practical strategies (turning of the phone, keeping email off, using a timer, etc.) that work?

* Do you try to write at the same time every day? Is there an advantage in occasionally approaching your writing tasks at a different time than you usually work?

* Do you set yourself a goal each session?

* How do you avoid daydreaming and writers’ block?

* What rituals do you do? (remember in the film “Shakespeare In Love,” when Shakespeare spit on his hands, grabbed his quill, and spun around before sitting down to write?)

If you have any tips to share, I’d greatly appreciate it. Or, if you know of any online resources I should check out, I’d love to hear about them.

Thanks!

My Mother Writes:

“I thought you’d like to know that Punch Ball has branched out—into Ring Ball. The inaugural event occurred last night on my red living room rug and involved the ‘donuts’ that he stacked as a baby. The rings are placed around the edges of the rug and are assigned to particular friends (not present). Much kicking and running around on the rug ensue. There is a great deal of coaching and encouraging, including several ‘Slow down, Lucas!’ comments.

“In the end, as in every great game including Calvin Ball, Lucas wins! Surprise and joy all ’round.

“A later game, predinner, involved blowing and chasing bubbles and forcing Boo to pitch an imaginary ball to a little boy whose bat was a stick, and who could hit the ball—imagine!—before it left the pitcher’s hand. Running around the bases followed, miles of running. Where can I get some of that energy?”

This is great! I love it when my mom or Ian’s mom write stories about Lucas!

“I am deeply committed to returning sovereignty to the Iraqi people and consequently allowing our troops to return home as soon as possible. We must first ensure, however, that Iraqi security forces are able to adequately meet the needs of their country. We have trained more than 150,000 such security personnel, and Iraqi forces are now in charge of maintaining security in 12 of that country’s 18 provinces.

“Under the President’s leadership, the United States has contributed $24 billion for Iraq’s reconstruction. Food and electricity are being distributed throughout the country. USAID is providing support to the Ministry of Trade to deliver more than 480,000 tons of food each month. Nearly 2,500 schools have been renovated and over 32,000 secondary school teachers have been trained. Health care funding has increased 30-fold since Iraq was freed. More than 30 million doses of children’s vaccinations have been distributed. Over 1,200 primary health clinics and 240 Iraqi hospitals are in operation. Without the establishment of these core pieces of infrastructure, the Iraqi people will be underserved and the new government strained to provide for their needs.”

Great to hear it’s going so damned well, Dan.
>:-|

This is a Core Friends post.

I had a nightmare early this morning that I found not one but something like 5 lumps in my armpit and breast. The more I touched, the more I found. I knew that it was the real thing. I woke up sweaty and freaked out.

I wish I could say that I slept better last night having already made the decision to enroll Lucas in pre-Kindergarten instead of preschool. Unfortunately, that was not the case.

Sometime around 4 am I wondered if we had just lost a major tax write-off. (I can write off daycare expenses up to a certain amount: I don’t know if I can write off private Kindergarten expenses. I suspect not. Even though it amounts to the same type of daycare that we currently enjoy.)

Oh well, it’s only money right? What else do we really want to spend it on? I really can’t think of anything as important.

But sometimes I wistfully dream about world travel. Given the private education that we are committed to, however, I think we’ll probably have to rely on my parents to provide Lucas with jaunts around the world someday. I think they will be happy to do it. Probably someday soon he’ll be winging his way to New Zealand or Spain or Norway for a month with his grandparents, while I tearfully and jealously wave and kiss him goodbye.

My God. I’m going to live my whole life and die in Fair Oaks, California. How pathetic!

We finally decided where to place Lucas for next school year. I know, it’s seems crazy to be worrying about what to do next September when it’s only March. And yet, that’s exactly what I’ve been doing since January!

We applied for the Sacramento Waldorf School Pre-Kindergarten/Kindergarten class for fall of 2006. When we applied, we did so kind of with the intention that we would go through the application process and see what the experts thought about his readiness. We interviewed with the two teachers in February. A couple of days ago we got our letter of acceptance. They are “delighted” to welcome Lucas to the Red Rose Kindergarten. Lucas will spend two consecutive years in Red Rose, with the same two teachers. The class is a mixture of 4-, 5-, and 6-year-olds. SWS prefers that students spend two years there; it’s a foundation for their whole education. I think they really want the rhythms and routines and stories ingrained into the children.

What complicated things for me was that our preschool teacher in January began dropping little hints that she didn’t think Lucas was ready. She never said that directly, but she made it clear that she wanted him to stay with her another year and go to Kindergarten the following year in 2007. Basically, she has a different viewpoint than the Kindergarten teachers do, and is fairly conservative and believes kids should go later.

When I dug more, though, it started to sound like she was simply very attached to him. That she and Lucas share a bond that they both enjoy, and that she cares about him very much.

Anyway, I have wracked my brain and heart over this decision for weeks. Today was my last day to decide. Miss Jennifer was holding our place at Hidden Treasure until the end of today. Tomorrow she is having an open house and will hopefully fill her 4 openings for next fall immediately, thus ensuring her livelihood.

Lucas has undergone a change recently (yes, another one). He has shed a bunch of his babyish mannerisms in favor of big boy stuff. He’s mimicking the older kids at school more. He’s playing in new ways. He’s daring and carefree and defiant. He’s more confident and self-assured than even a month ago. He is quite certain that he wants to go to Kindergarten next year with his big-kid friends Ella, Elvie, Ria, and Charlie.

It’s so hard to know what he will be like in 5.5 months. I’ve never been a parent to a 4-year-old before: How am I supposed to know if he’ll be ready to cope with 24 kids in a class?

But we decided to go for it. He has a long time to grow into this decision of ours. I just hope it was the right one. Hidden Treasure has truly been a wonderful place for him.

This is a filtered post.

We have been wracking our brains about where to send Lucas to school next year. We don’t have to change at all: He could stay right where he is at Hidden Treasure for another year. However, he has been accepted to the Sacramento Waldorf School Red Rose Kindergarten, and if he goes there next year, he’ll actually spend 2 years in the Kindergarten. That’s what the SWS prefers. Our preschool teacher wants him to stay with her another year, partly because she loves him, and partly because she thinks he benefits from hands-on care and attention. There are 24 children in the Kindergarten with 2 teachers and 12 children in preschool with 1 or 2 teachers. Presumably, there will be less hands-on care in the bigger class.

I’ve made charts, lists of pros and cons, looked at if from every angle at just about every hour of the day and even in the wee hours of the morning, and I still don’t know what to do. Lucas is aware that kids are going on to Kindergarten and he’s sure that he wants to go and is ready to go. But what does he know?

Driving him to and from Carmichael twice a day has become really a pain in the ass. I’m not at all thrilled about the prospect of another whole year of that, since I’m sick of it now, even though it has only been 5 months. I love Jennifer’s school and garden, but it’s really far away.

We’re concerned about changing schools again, given that we did that a bunch of times last fall. That change was kinda rough on him.

Kindergarten costs more, but I can also get more hours of care, and therefore work more hours in peace.

And, to make things extra tough, our friends the Bs are starting a preschool in their home, which is within walking distance from our home. The are offering up to full-time care. I don’t want to hurt anyone’s feelings.

We have to decide today.

Ya know what I hate? I hate fucking repairmen who come to my house to do a job and then act as if I’ve totally put them out. I hate repairmen who treat me like I’m an idiot because I’m home during the day. I hate repairmen who tell me the weather is bad–I can bloody well see that. “We might have to reschedule.” OK. You tell me asshole, do you work in the rain or not? If not, reschedule. If you do work in the rain, however, don’t treat me as if it’s my fucking fault it’s raining. Don’t charge me extra for having to go get more materials to fix it when you were told in detail what the problem is. Don’t lecture me about how I’m supposed to wash this or turn off that or get the yearly inspection plan yada yada. “If you buy our yearly inspection plan for $200 it won’t cost you $400 the next time some fucking random spider spins a goddam web in your heater.” Don’t look at me like I’m a bimbo because I don’t know how to maintain the intake or powercycle the router or blame me because some other asshole just like you installed a piece-of-shit version of the part that you’re now replacing. You’re here to do a job for fuck’s sake. Do it. Don’t lecture me. Don’t patronize me. Don’t tell me to go ask my husband. Don’t scorn me when I say, “I’ll ask my husband where it is.” And don’t, don’t even think about trying to sell me something after you’ve treated me like shit and been paid handsomely in the process! Fucker.