I have to admit it: I like Facebook. I like having tiny connections with friends spread far and wide. Some of them I’m in regular contact with anyway, but some are people I would never see, never email, never call, or receive such messages in return. We are all so busy, so wrapped up in our adult lives of responsibility, whatever form that may take. The status updates I read (and write) with increasing fervor are like little word snapshots. They are windows into other worlds. Peeks into someone else’s screenplay. They are usually surface-only glimpses, but they are better than nothing. They are way better than TV for their ability to distract me and bring me out of my own little sphere.

And I like the tiny validations I get when people comment on my updates. I like knowing that someone witnessed, even in this small, thumbs-up way, what is happening with me. What’s more, the frequency of updates is greater than the LiveJournal posts I also monitor religiously (stalk?). In this way, Facebook is more reinforcing—ask Ian. Behavior modification is all about frequency of reinforcement. And so, my behavior over the last several months has been modified by Facebook. I’m writing less frequently here. I’m writing and reading more frequently there. It’s kind of like crack. But "Facecrack" is a sucky name for the phenomenon.

1. "Where Lucas go?"
2. "Baby need a pluggie!"
3. "Cockleshells!"
4. "Baby hold the milks?"
5. "Whyyyyyy?"
6. "Baby eat some O’s and milk?"
7. "I don’t know."
8. "My mommy, my daddy, my brother, my toys!"
9. "Daddy took it away!"
10. "Love you, Mama."

I recently tried my hand at knitting toy animals from a (rather vague) pattern in a book called Toymaking With Children (by Freya Jaffke), which is a Waldorf mama/teacher staple. These are my first attempts. The sheep is made from wool yarn and stuffed with wool roving, a la anthroposophical specifications. The duck is made from acrylic yarn and stuffed with wool roving. I didn’t have the right kind of yarn for the duck’s bill and had to improvise. Also, following the "duckling" pattern resulted in a duck that was way too long. I ended up stuffing part of the body into itself to make the proportions right. (I’m not one to scrap a project and start over, even when that’s the right thing to do.)

Yellow Duck and Ba Ba Black Sheep

I had to learn to do this because Lucas is knitting a sheep at school (he will resume his project in the fall). We’re going to try making chickens together next!

So far, Asher has decided they are great fun to throw.

Last week Lucas attended a Fine Arts Camp through Fair Oaks Rec and Park District. It was four mornings, 9 to 1 p.m. He painted with watercolors and acrylics; he drew with sharpies on foil, and with melted crayons, watercolor pencils, "soft pastels," and oil pastels; he used paper and fabric. He came home with about 13 pictures, all of which are lovely. They played with concepts of line art, silhouette, glue, and mixing media together. He did abstracts and still lifes. They are wonderful. Although he was the only boy in the class, Lucas seems to have enjoyed it. He felt a little weird at times, not having a boy in the class to buddy around with, but the teacher says he participated fully in the class and talked to everyone and had fun.

The last day of class culminated in a gallery showing. All the students hung their artworks on the walls and parents and family members were invited to come. The children (ages 7 to 13) stood along the walls by their artworks. When Asher and I entered along with the wave of people, Lucas looked terrified. As I approached him. smiling and ready to praise his work, he completely broke down and crumpled into my arms. He knocked me over and huddled in my lap, sobbing and hiding his head. I was surprised and concerned, of course. He was very anxious about showing his pictures to everybody. The teacher had told the students that people might ask them questions about their art, and the thought of answering questions from strangers scared the heck out of him! After a lot of unintelligible mumbling through sobs, I determined that he just wanted to escape. So, we went outside and hung around and calmed down.

He was so distraught! My heart really broke to see him in such a panic over something that was supposed to be a shining moment. The teacher didn’t mean to overwhelm him or put pressure on him. I briefly glanced around and all the other children had smiling faces and were lapping up the attention and praise. I am disappointed that I didn’t get the photo I wanted (in my imagination, Lucas was beaming beside his work), but here are some pictures of Lucas’s art. He was outside trying to get a hold of himself when I took these.

I was reminded that I have a sensitive, perfectionist boy on my hands. That although he would like to be a tough guy, he often isn’t. That although he is different from me, he is also similar, bearing some of the same insecurities and hurts that I bear. What a beautiful thing that is, and how heartbreaking at the same time.

Later that evening, Lucas proudly showed off his work to Ian and me in our home. He told us all about the materials used, which techniques he enjoyed, which works were his favorites. He was his animated, comfortable, boastful self when we were safe and in private. We plan to display his art in our home.

Lucas and I bought a nice frame for the blue/green abstract in the right photo. We framed it and gave it to Ian for Father’s Day because he liked it so much.

Oy. Father’s Day is just around the corner! Yikes.

I have a wealth of fathers in my life. My dad. Ian’s father. Ian’s step-father. They are all wonderful. They are all pains in the butt to buy or make presents for. What do you give a man who already buys everything he might want for himself? What do you give the man who raised you, loved you, bailed you out a million times, and helped you become the person you are today? What do you give the man whom you recently feared might check out of your life altogether?

Then there’s my darling husband, the father on whom I depend most these days! How do you infuse a gift with all the love and appreciation and gratitude you feel? It’s impossible, and yet the opportunity to try comes around every year, challenging me every time.

I know not everyone has this "problem." I know some people would give anything to have a dad to give gifts to. I’m wealthy in the dad department and I’m grateful. I’m just wondering out loud.

Week 1 is done. It sucked, but not because the children were out of school and daycare. I had help with them from  and both grandmas and a Nature camp in the mornings for Lucas. It sucked because of grown-up stuff: hormones and money and stress and stupid bureaucratic bullshit designed to complicate my life—unnecessarily! It’s over and, boy, am I glad!

This past Saturday was one of the most lovely days of my whole year. I spent it on a boat on the river with some good friends, basking in the sun and letting the delta breezes blow through my hair. The music was fine. The champagne, bubbly. The people, beautiful. And there were no children. Temps were warm, not hot, which made swimming slightly more challenging than it would be during a typical California June.

We are not having a typical California June, however. The glorious days of 70-degree weather that we are presently enjoying are like a gift from the gods. Each day like this is a treasure.

My work continues. It shows not sign of stopping. This is fantastic in light of some bad news I heard last Monday. The scope creep on the medical terminology text is amusing, but it doesn’t matter. My only concern when the scope expands is whether everyone waiting on me for "deliverables" knows that the scope changed and, thus, my deadlines must move accordingly. My boss knows. Her boss knows. And they are the spring from whence my work flows. So, whatever. I say, "Are you sure? Really? OK. Change away."

Tomorrow evening, Lucas and I start a class we’re taking together for fun and quality time. Lucas—despite tiffs and torments of the moment—has displayed tremendous patience over the last two and a half years. Lucas’s needs often have taken a backseat to the baby’s needs, and I would really like to show him that we can still have fun together, just us. I’ve signed us up for a ceramics/pottery class that we’ll attend on Tuesday nights for the next five weeks. I hope it’s wonderful. I hope he likes it. This is something I’ve wanted to do for … many years. I hope it’s good for our relationship. We could use some good in our relationship.

Last Thursday I went back to the gym. A. Small. Start. One thing I hope the summertime will bring is an opportunity for me to work out more often. Like, more often than once in 8 months would be great. We went again today. I promised the kids time in the pool after my treadmill time, but the pool was closed. That was disappointing. A twisted part of my brain has a photo project in mind that is related to this subject, but no, it doesn’t involve pics of me in sports bra. (You’re welcome.)

I started a playgroup/babysitting co-op again for this summer with some of Lucas’s buddies from school. All boys. I’ve got seven families this time. Instead of meeting every week, we’re going to meet seven times this summer, basically every other week. Our kids are older now, and in a new age bracket that allows them to participate in so many more activities than they were able to do last summer. I figure they’ll be more "scheduled" this summer because of this. So each family hosts one time, and I got my turn out of the way by hosting first. That means I’m free to drop off Lucas with his friends six times this summer, or stay and chat and help out during playgroup, as I please!

I’m not exactly certain, but I think June 14 was the anniversary of our getting our keys and closing escrow on this house. That means we’ve been living here for ten years! I look around me every day and think, Wow! That improvement is there because we did it. That thing, Ian fixed it. That amenity wasn’t here before us. This yard is only beautifful because we made it so! Grandma May, who was our real estate agent in 1999 when we bought the place, didn’t think we should buy it. Too much work, she thought. Too unusual, she thought. I wish she were alive to see it now. I am proud of our quirky home. I am proud that we turned a weird little rental house on a barren lot full of weeds into a comfortable home for us and for our children. I have no intention of living anywhere else anytime soon.

So, summertime. Our mornings are more pleasant. I’m relaxing a little into our new schedule. It’s like putting on a jacket that I haven’t worn for many months. It’s familiar, but feels funny brushing against my legs. It smells a bit, too, which brings back memories, but the fact that I’m noticing it means it’s not quite comfortable. Not quite acclimated. No, the living isn’t easy, but it ain’t bad.

The garden … grows. And little boys grow, too. Little by little.

Sometimes work is funny. In some rare instances, I’m glad I get paid by the hour for my DE work. Wednesday was one of those days. I spent more than an hour making comments on a design sample PDF that I would not have had to make if the designer had used the copy I provided. There were lots of "Weren’t we going to do XYZ?" questions from team members. To which, I replied, "Yes. In fact, we are doing XYZ. The real copy I sent says XYZ." It’s moments like these when my considerably diplomatic skillz come in handy. So that’s a weird thing, but the truth is, I freakin’ love working with designers to make content work, to make the text functional, navigable, and useful to the reader, especially with books that are supposed to educate or instruct! I like analyzing how the information is arranged on the page and figuring out whether someone will actually read the material presented there or not. Because if they won’t read it, then the design has failed. If the design has failed, the purpose of the material as a whole has failed. Boo! And then I don’t get hired back. This is the stuff I miss when I’m working as a copy editor instead of as a developmental editor. Just sayin’.

It’s 9:45 and I am waiting for grandma to arrive to take Asher away for a couple of hours. Lucas is at morning camp. Today is the second day of summer vacation and I have sooooo much work to do and  all kinds of fear that I won’t be able to get it all done because my day care is spotty at best. This puts me in a state of anxiety while I’m trying to be present with the children, which is like trying to say "Om" while your heart pounds and your guts are twisty.

Friday Afterschool
pick up Lucas
hug teachers
take photos
tour farm
show Asher the animals
take photos
Jimboys tacos for celebratory treat
home for Asher’s nap
"huggles" with Lucas on the couch
knitting with Lucas
15 mins TV
walk to Bird Track park
Daddy home
steaks, broccoli, salad, wine
after-dinner walkies and playground time
cheesecake and ice-cream with "2" candle for second grader
"I’ll tell you tomorrow"

Saturday
bad money news
supermarket for breakfast foods
breakfast
housework
temper tantrum from second grader over 5 minutes’  worth of work
lunch
Asher nap
leave to go sew with mom
boys rigged pirate flag
mom and I made two pairs of shorts for Asher and cut out four more pairs
supermarket for taco fixings
home for dinner outside
reading and beer in the bower
after-dinner walkies
showers for children
bed
collapse with exhaustion while Ian plays zombie game

Sunday
7:00 a.m. phone rings
Asher and I keep sleeping
Lucas and Ian get up
breakfast outside
hot tubbing with my boys
trip to OSH to buy seeds and other garden stuff
lunch of leftover tacos
Asher naps
I work on chapter 17
Ian keeps Lucas entertained
Ian supermarket trip
cocktail
"more outside bath?"
knit a sheep toy
 over for dinner, good conversation
crazy boys
Steve brought me birthday mulch~Thank you Steve and Jeannie!
goodnight Lucas, goodnight Asher
goodnight Steve
finish knitting sheep
goodnight Bascha

Crown of Dew
Originally uploaded by Dalantech

I ADORE the photography of Dalantech on Flickr. His work can also be found here: http://dalantech.deviantart.com/. If you like macro photos, bugs of all stripes, flowers, water droplets, etc., I encourage you to check out his work. The colors on these small Earthlings are inspiring and amazing. If you Honeys ever want to see honeybees up close, this is for you!