This Is So Painfully, Hilariously True, I Just Had to Repost It
Thank you, Mars, for pointing this out to me!
http://www.npr.org/templates/story/story.php?storyId=19055507
A Valentine's Day Salute to Suburban Dads
by Pat Dunnigan
“These guys have to convince a woman who has fallen asleep in her clothes reading Thomas the Tank Engine stories that what she really wants right now is some midnight romance under the giant pile of laundry covering the master bed.”
And so, this Valentine's Day — a day when suburban mommies everywhere will be showered with construction paper hearts, overpriced chocolates and things from Victoria's Secret that we will wear only once, if at all — it is time to extend some long-overdue credit.
The publishing world may not have figured it out yet, but if the truth were told, the best-selling how-to manuals on the shelf would be devoted to the Bedroom Secrets of the Suburban Dad.
It's true.
Sorry to bust your bubble Casanova, but these guys have earned the title.
You think it's hard to get the attention of a woman in a bar? Puh-leeze.
These guys have to convince a woman who has fallen asleep in her clothes reading Thomas the Tank Engine stories that what she really wants right now is some midnight romance under the giant pile of laundry covering the master bed.
You want to brag about technique? These guys keep the steam building knowing that at any minute — and probably more than once — they will be interrupted by a crying child, a ringing phone or their wives' spontaneous recollection that they forgot to sign a permission slip for the field trip.
We are talking about enticing a woman who, no matter how diligently you work to set the mood, will be filtering your sweet whisperings and best maneuvers through the running commentary of her mental Blackberry: “Oh, that feels … Is that coughing? I will never make deadline if she's sick. Wait, what is today? Is it the 10th?” And, “Oh. Oh. Oh God, it's the 14th. Mom's birthday. I should send flowers. Better write myself a note. If I could just reach … a pen.”
My point is, these guys have honed their skills under conditions you could not imagine.
You single metrosexuals may have better underwear, but you are amateurs next to them.
Plus, today, they all get a new pair.
That heat coming out of the suburbs — it's not just the BBQ grills.
February 15, 2008 at 3:44 pm
LOL! I’m starting to relate to this all too well. I’m convinced that the best birth control in existance is a two month old infant. She has an amazing ability to wake instantly from a very deep sleep the minute Mark or I lay our hands on each other.
February 15, 2008 at 5:15 pm
Yeah, you think that the fact that kids tend to be spaced three years apart is a coincidence and then you realize that that’s just how long it takes to be able to have Alone Time again. They can sense your intimacy rising to dangerous levels from across the house and sound the alarm to keep themselves from having a sib too soon.