This Is Stupid
I’m currently agonizing over what to wear to J’s funeral service. Everything seems either too businessy or too sexy. I feel so ill-equipped for this sort of thing. I’m wishing my hair wasn’t so wild—it’s too red, too pink, and too blonde. Entirely too many colors. Somehow it seems … inappropriate for the occasion.
March 9, 2006 at 3:42 pm
You can rarely go wrong with a good LBD. But maybe err on the side of businessy, to counter-act the hair? In any case, keep in mind it doesn’t really matter that much what you wear- just the fact that you’re there is the important thing.
March 9, 2006 at 4:09 pm
It doesn’t matter what you wear. It matters that you care enough to attend. Those left behind need to know that there are others who care, and who will miss her.
March 9, 2006 at 4:56 pm
Maybe your ambivalence about your appearance is the same ambivalence you feel about the event. I don’t mean to pop-analyze you, but rather suggest that you should embrace that, the conflict and the sadness, and the confusion we all feel about death. As much as it is a group ritual to participate in a funeral, each death in our lives is fundamentally personal.
March 9, 2006 at 7:15 pm
I have never seen you look anything but lovely, tasteful, and appropriate to the occasion.
March 9, 2006 at 10:42 pm
Honestly, I think you should have worn less than you did. 😉
March 10, 2006 at 12:42 am
Thanks, everybody. What a dumb thing to worry about on a day like today! Honestly, my expectations about what the funeral would be like and who would be there were at least 90% off-base.
Andrewred’s right. I have a lot of ambivalent feelings about J and K and the whole fucked up situation. I mean, it’s hard to imagine it being any worse than it is—for everyone involved. Despite that ambivalence I went, and I’m glad I did.
I was comforted by the presence of all the friends who came today. More than I expected. Some people I haven’t seen in a looong time were there. I’m glad that despite the poor state of our current relationships with J, we were able to honor her and the time when we were closer.
I’m so not done dealing with this…
March 10, 2006 at 1:06 am
I so feel the same way about all of it. Like we talked about in person this afternoon, I had the same experience getting dressed this morning as you did. My hair just felt way too festive. Before I left the house I even had to ask Megan if I looked too alternative. The truth was, it didn’t matter. What mattered was that we gathered together, and I think you voiced that perfectly in that last paragraph.
Something you said when we stood outside the side door of the church after the service is really sticking with me. You said something along the lines of, “We just don’t have the tools to deal with this kind of thing. What really sucks is that we’ll get better at it.” You’re so right, it does suck. I wanted to have something wise to say in response, but I’m kind of at a loss. Wisdom will have to be left in the hands of others better-equipped.
I think I’m kind of losing the thread of what I wanted to say. I guess I mostly want to hold your hand and say I understand some of what you’re feeling.
March 12, 2006 at 4:08 am
I’m really glad that both of you were there, attending and supporting not just K but all of us. We all were doing that in a way.
I kind of agonized about what to wear beforehand, but only because I’ve taken a new turn in my fashion and I don’t really have much black clothing anymore… especially dressy black clothing. I wore the first set on Wed, and the second on Thurs. That’s about what I’ve got, and the outfits didn’t even really match themselves, but somehow they felt right.
As a weird joke to keep myself from completely losing it, I wore my “AC/DC Back in Black” socks on Thurs over my tights and with my black maryjanes… because technically I was “back in black” and it worked a smile out of me later. Sometimes it’s the little things that keep you going, right?