I should be packing. I’ve spent almost the whole day trying to wrap up my work neatly, so I can go on vacation with a guilt-free conscience. I wasn’t able to tie as pretty a bow on everything as I would have liked, but I still have tomorrow morning, too.

I hope to be on the road by 10:00 a.m. We’ll see. I pulled out the packing list I made for our Bodega Bay vacation at Thanksgiving 2007; it was funny seeing some of the items we had to bring along, like baby food.

We  are all very excited to leave tomorrow! We are hoping to hook up with a few friends while we are near Capitola. I hope the house where we are staying will be cool. It should be!

Our plans for the week off include:

• beach play
• sand castles
• strolling through town
• eating out
• eating in
• Santa Cruz boardwalk
• redwoods
• meeting friends
• flying kites
• naps
• cocktails
• cuddles
• play
• reading
• knitting
• and some working

Sounds heavenly to me, except for that last little part. Wish us luck and safe travels!

My darling husband had a birthday last Friday; he turned “26” (which stands to reason since I turned “25” again this year and he’ll always be older than me).

Asher and Lucas and I baked him a lovely apple cake. The kids chopped the apples. It went kind of like this: “One for Daddy’s cake. One for me. One for Daddy’s cake. One fore me.”

Here’s the cake before we frosted it with butter cream frosting and topped it with colorful sprinkles. Damn, it was good! Moist and spicy with nutmeg. I used the Apple Hill recipe and it turned out perfect.

I roasted a chicken (and basted it with butter, garlic, and curry powder), which was beautiful and golden but I didn’t get a photo. I prepared a wonderful spinach salad and cauliflower purée, too. (It’s delish and a lot like mashed potatoes but not nearly so carby.) Ian’s sister and her boyfriend (we love them both dearly) joined us for dinner to help us celebrate. They brought the “Beatles Rock Band” game with all the equipment. We all played the game together and had a wonderful time!

Lucas was great at singing “Yellow Submarine.” I haven’t sung into a mic in … well, 20 years. So that was both weird and really fun.

Asher liked the colors on the game, but got discouraged or embarrassed at one point and gave up.

On Saturday, a beautiful, chilly fall day, we got to celebrate with just grown ups. Ian and NoNo and I ate lunch in Placerville and then drove to a little town in the Sierra foothills called Fairplay. It’s south of Apple Hill and has lots of wineries to visit. We went to three of them and tasted Sirahs and Syrahs, and Cabernets and Sauvignon Blancs, Zins and Merlots, Muscats and Ports, and a couple of varietals that I’ve never before heard of. It was lovely, although I found after a while that tasting every other wine was a better plan for me.

At the Winery by the Creek we got a treat we’d never before experienced. We tasted wine directly from the barrel. Young wine is weird and you have to try to “taste it forward.” For me, that didn’t mean much, but that’s probably because by the time we arrived there I was mostly done with wine tasting. We considered the merits of wine futures for the first time. NoNo was really tempted by both the Zinfandel and the Port, but left without buying either.

Ian and I came home with about six bottles after our adventure. We gave one to my folks as a way of thanking them for watching our boys for the afternoon.

Many clever and passionate people have written about their feelings and thoughts on the anniversary of 9/11, about what happened on that awful September day in 2001. I don’t feel like sharing the impact that day had on my life and worldview, though it was profound and I will never forget those feelings of fear and grief. I do not wish to focus on that.

I would just like to share my small act of big faith.

On the evening of the anniversary of the terrorist attacks, I boarded a small domestic flight to Santa Barbara, having left my children in the loving arms of their grandparents, and flew through the air with my knitting and my Kindle to keep me company. It was a short, sweet flight, with no hiccups or security difficulties or excessive waiting. My stuff was x-rayed and I walked quietly through the metal detector. Nobody asked me any questions about my bags; I didn’t check any.

It wasn’t until the next day, when I was rummaging through my purse, that I realized I had accidentally smuggled a pocket knife aboard the airplane. It was in my purse, as usual, because a pocket knife is a useful tool to have. But I didn’t remember I had it and nobody noticed it, not even the technician manning the x-ray.

I don’t know how to feel about this, except to be somewhat amazed at how life is always in a state of entropy, even after a massive, shattering upset. Things go back to normal, despite our personal transformations.

We drop our vigilance. We continue with our plans, despite the alarms. We carry on.

There dims in damp autumnal air

The senses’ luring magic;

The light’s revealing radiance

Is dulled by hazy veils of mist.

In distances around me I can see

The autumn’s winter sleep;

The summer’s life has yielded

Itself into my keeping.

—Rudolf Steiner (verse for the week of September 8–14)

It’s been a busy, busy week full of adjustments for everyone. Lucas went back to school on Tuesday. There was much rejoicing by his proud parents. He looked ready,  brave, and determined.

Lucas and Asher on the first day of school.

Honestly, I’m so excited for him. This year is going to be wonderful, full of friends, new confidence, Saints and fables to inspire us, as well as dragons to conquer.

Right before entering the second-grade classroom.

We have had some struggles this week. Daddy had to go out of town for a conference on Wednesday morning, and we are emotionally at sea without our anchor. We are used to our days without Daddy, but when evening sneaks in we all look around at each other and miss him terribly. Asher has had a much harder than usual time at Ring-A-Rosies preschool and had to be picked up early two days. He is adjusting to Lucas being gone at school and Daddy not coming home at night, and he’s quite sure the scenario stinks. “I miss my daddy. I want my brother!”

As if to emphasize that change is in the air, Lucas’s top right incisor leaned sooooooo far out of his mouth that Lucas couldn’t help himself; he simply pried it out. And so, my 7-and-1/4-year-old son now has a giant window in his smile, and an adult tooth moving in fast.

See how delighted he is?

Look at the size of that gap!

As you can see, he is quite thrilled about the change and told me all about how he pushed the tooth back until it just popped out “… and there was this dangly gut thingy hanging there!”

We got to use the Tooth Fairy Pillow I made him for the third time, and this morning a $2 bill was sticking out of the pocket.

We all have big plans for the weekend: I’m flying down to Santa Barbara tonight for my first vacation alone with my husband in three years. I went to college in Santa Barbara for two years, and I haven’t been there since 1992. Ian and I courted there, so I’m thinking of this trip as a little honeymoon that we desperately need.

The boys will be going to my parents’ house, who will undoubtedly spoil them and feed them ice-cream sandwiches and sausages and pizza and all their favorite things. I can tell Lucas and Asher are anxious (as evidenced by the tantrums and invented neck aches and “too warm” foreheads), and possibly this isn’t the best weekend for me to leave them, after such an eventful week. And I’m tempted to feel tremendously guilty about it.

Nevertheless, I’m carrying on in the belief that a happy, rested mama, who has had the chance to have fun, reconnect with her husband, and recharge her marriage, will be a better mother for them in the long run.

And they will be fine.

It is now the end of Week 12 of summer vacation. Week 12. Twelve. Did you hear me? TWELVE.

One more week (and a long weekend) to go.

I think, all in all, I’m in better shape than I was this time last year. This time last year I was ready to throw myself under a bus. Seriously. It wasn’t pretty.

During this circle around the sun, we have had a good summer, a busy summer, and one with more balance. Together we have had

·         evening walks

·         feasts of summer fruits

·         barbecues

·         creek play

·         rambling in the woods

·         swimming in lakes, rivers, and backyard pools

·         a trip to San Francisco and Oakland

·         a zoo visit

·         museum visits

·         glorious day-long brunches with friends at home

I’ve had plenty work to keep me occupied; it keeps my brain from turning to mush and eases my career worries.

Lucas and Asher have been occupied more this summer, too. I adore my children and think they are brilliant and fascinating (see this blog for evidence), but I know that we all benefit from having experiences away from one another. I don’t claim to have achieved balance in parenting/work, but it is definitely a major goal. Something I continue to strive for.

Asher has made friends and looks forward to playing with his kids now at Ring-A-Rosies preschool. He has even made it through a handful of full days, when I didn’t pick him up until 4 p.m. due to serious deadlines, and he napped pretty well on a little mat like the other kids.

Lucas has had a bunch of wonderful experiences with summer day camps and other activities (like pottery and soccer). Some weren’t so great (mainly the Fair Oaks Recreation and Park District day camp due to the “Thriller” incident) and we probably won’t be trying those again. But others were awesome. He is hoping to do more of the Science Adventures camps and Aquatics camps next year. The Effie Yeaw nature camps, though only a half-day, are lots of fun and Lucas feels really comfortable there. Plus he gets to hike the trails in the American River Parkway. He has done some amazing art projects that I wouldn’t have even considered doing with him because they are outside my experience. I wish that the less expensive camps had worked out to be winners; naturally it was the more expensive camps that Lucas really took to.

Next week, there is no day care. I’ll have to beg, borrow, and steal moments in which to work, when others can run herd on my little darlings. Grandma? Grandma?

I just can’t help but feel, now that kids all over town are back in school, that perhaps 13 weeks off during the summer might be a little excessive. It is very intense living with a choleric 7-year-old and a 2-and-a-half-year-old toddler!

Especially if one is just the tiniest, wee bit choleric, oneself.

A couple of weeks ago on a Friday evening we packed up the lot of us and headed up the hill to Strawberry, where Mimi, Grandpa G’s charming girlfriend, has a lovely cabin. Ian would probably like it to be known it take a long, long time to pack the four of us to go anywhere, especially overnight. Still, the effort was well worth it.

Mimi is such a gracious hostess. She thinks of everything, and her mountain getaway is full of her love expressed in the tiniest of details. Antiques from her childhood summer home, a log cabin in Idaho, decorate her Forest Service cabin in Strawberry. Every object has a story. Every book on the shelf has been carefully selected to sit there, waiting for a curious visitor to page through it. Every dish in the kitchen has it’s special home and origin. Even the jam jar has a tiny silver spoon because if it didn’t, the homemade jam wouldn’t taste as good. It’s really quite astounding that Mimi has poured so much of herself into a place that is used only sometimes.

My boys had a blast digging in the dirt and exploring the woods. It really doesn’t take much to keep small boys happy—some sticks, rocks, or mud is all they really need.

(Lucas invented some kind of esoteric game with small stones. ) Add in some magical running water and it’s heaven on earth.

We spent part of Saturday day at a small lake where the Boy Scouts have a permanent camp. It’s called Cody Lake and it was lovely. We enjoyed listening to all the bells coming from the camp across the lake. A line of boys wearing funny hats hiked past our picnic spot beside the lake.

Lucas naturally dove into Lake Cody and swam, despite the chill. Daddy accompanied the little guy into the water, which was clearly exhilarating!

We dined on delicious food, as is usually the case whenever we’re with Mimi and GG. Organic produce from our CSA came up the hill with us, including some amazing tomatoes.

By far our favorite moments were spent chatting together, exploring Lucas’s “private” island, and splashing in the creek. Maggie the dog was good-natured and always patient, unless you happened to be a squirrel or a chipmunk, in which case all bets were off.

I happily finished the baby blanket I was knitting while on this trip. This year I didn’t need to bring any freelance work with me, so I just relaxed and enjoyed myself. It was so nice to be out of town and in the woods, listening to the breeze sigh through the pines.

There are more photos on my Photos page, so click over if you like wildflowers, woods, creeks, and kids.

I’ll continue our story of our weekend in the Bay Area. This one is shorter, I promise.

We woke on Sunday at Blue and Headra’s new apartment and enjoyed a relaxing morning. We ate some leftover Indian food from the night before; the kids noshed on the cereal and soy milk we brought with us. (We Wilsons always travel with breakfast!) Then we said our goodbyes and fervent thank yous to our gracious hosts and packed into our car to head to our destination: The Oakland Zoo.

Objective: See real, live elephants.
Objective: Visit with Danny, Ian’s ex-step brother, whom we don’t get to see very often.

The Oakland Zoo is really quite lovely. The animals have big, luxurious enclosures, which you might not see so well in my photos. The bigger animals were plains animals like elephants, zebras, and giraffes and their enclosures had a lot of dirt. Other creatures enjoyed trees for swinging in, grass, places to lounge and hide. Those were harder to capture with my Canon; I didn’t have my zoom with me. The whole zoo is hilly and beautifully landscaped, with flowers everywhere.

We rode a ski lift-like sky tram over several animal enclosures, including the lions’ and the tigers’ areas. There’s nothing quite like dangling one’s feet 30 feet over giant carnivores. It was cool to see them from that perspective because there was no fencing or anything to obscure the view. Asher and I rode on a lift together and I nervously kept my arm around him the whole time.

After lunch Asher had a private moment, wandering around. Lucas posed for me on this giant frog. I love that I caught him being candid. This beautiful smile is something of a rarity these days.

Here’s Danny in front of the elephant area. Just when I was getting used to calling him Dan, he told us that he’s changed his mind and actually prefers Danny. OK. No problem! Danny happens to live just a few blocks from this great zoo. Our coming into town gave him a great excuse to hang out with us there for an afternoon.

We saw four elephants. I think there might be others in the herd, but only four were in view. I’d like to think that the animals have a backstage where they can unwind, let their hair down, and … have a beer?

We rounded out the day with a ride on the little zoo train. Asher was thrilled. Lucas couldn’t be bothered to get excited about the ride, which is funny to me because for four solid years nothing was more important to him than trains! Ah well. I guess we all outgrow our childhood obsessions eventually.

And last but not least, here is a great shot of Danny and Ian and Kellie at the Sacramento Zoo circa 1979.

It was a wonderful weekend of friends and fun! I’m so glad we were able to take this trip!

[Second time is a charm? I wrote this post once already a week or so ago, but LJ ate it. I was so bummed I couldn’t recreate it until now.]

The weekend of July 24–26, we went to visit our friends, Blue and Headra, in San Raphael. The plan was to pack as much Bay Area fun into one weekend as possible. We were so grateful to have a great place to stay and to spend all of Saturday with them, seeing some superb sights.

We woke early on Saturday to get to the California Academy of Sciences when it opened. The new building is terrific! (There is a great Flickr group if you want to see more pictures.) We did just about everything perfectly, except we didn’t get in to see a planetarium show. But that’s OK because I’m not sure my kids could have sat through it.

The Rainforest exhibit was awesome. We saw lots of butterflies and birds and even some tiny tropical frogs. Patrons walk up a spiraling ramp on the inside of the exhibit sphere. The air is humid and hot. Butterflies flutter around and you gradually ascend through the jungle canopy. Asher found some lantana, which is beloved by butterflies.

The African Hall is very similar to the old Academy, except they’ve added terrariums of live lizards and other reptiles. At one end is a giant tank enclosure full of live African penguins, who are active and funny. It was pretty crowded there, so I didn’t take any good pictures.

 
Lucas was really interested in a lot of things, especially the fish of the Steinhart Aquarium. Blue and Headra were perfectly wonderful, and so helpful with our children. Lucas adores Blue. It was nice having two more pairs of eyes on them in a crowded public place, especially considering that Asher really doesn’t want to ride in the stroller anymore.

While we were waiting briefly to get into the Rainforest sphere, we saw the top of the Reef tank.

 
The giant T-Rex skeleton was pretty great. I thought there would be more dinosaur fossils, but I was wrong. It makes me really want to take the kids to La Brea Tar Pits someday soon. This albino alligator has been there for years! I guess they live a long time.

 
Pharaoh was carried up onto the Living Roof by his bearers. We took some kissy photos up there and surveyed Golden Gate Park. The Living Roof is really beautiful (and it made me want to come home and landscape the roof of my house). It reminded me a lot of the dome where the Teletubbies live.
 
We even cruised through the gift shop and bought a few souvenirs. Just as we were leaving the building for good, having seen everything we came to see, the fire alarm went off and the museum staff announced over the PA that all visitors had to evacuate the Academy. We were SOOOOO relieved not to have to wade through the sea of people trying to exit safely! Instead of that dealing with that nightmare, we walked through Golden Gate Park, enjoyed some beautiful scenery, observed a little of the Hare Krishna Festival of the Chariots, rode the carousel, snacked, and played in the Children’s Park.
 
After that, we meandered over to the De Young Museum to the King Tut exhibit. We had 4:00 p.m. tix and it dovetailed perfectly with our other adventures for the day. Asher was hilarious in the darkened, hushed galleries. Many of the visitors were listening to their audio guides and not talking, but exhuberant Asher spoke at the top of his voice, “There’s King Tut, Daddy! King Tut!” and “That’s a bird! That’s a boat! That’s a cow—MOOOOOOOOO!”

It was really remarkable how well our boys held up during this busy day. They were well behaved and good sports the whole time. We had a tiny tantrum from Asher near the end, when he was tired. But he rallied beautifully when we went to  ‘s place to visit and have dinner with her and Andrew and

jaleenafied.
Ian and I had so much fun with our kids and friends. I look forward to more adventures like this as Lucas and Asher grow! It’s so good to feast my eyes on new things, gorgeous places, and kind friends!

1990 … August 11 … There was a party in Steve and Bryn’s parents’ backyard. There were friends and food, performances, and Greek garb. The stars were out and falling in showers; we drank honey wine and ate grapes. It was a magical beginning for the most magical relationship of my life. Later, in a new town there was a dorm room with pink cabbage roses and white lace on the bedclothes.

1991 … Our long-distance love affair involved letter-writing every day and much driving between Sacramento and Santa Barbara. We shared precious walks on the beach and expensive phone bills. We enjoyed Ren Faire adventures with new friends and poor breathing. Sacramento pulled me home, but I couldn’t come back yet.

1992 … I started a new life in Berkeley. Ancient Greek and Latin studies for me, Bio and sciences for you. The distance didn’t hurt so bad and we saw each other much more often.  We designed rituals and challenged ourselves. We studied magic of many types.

1993 … We broke up, kinda. You needed to leave and see something new. We got back together after a wild run through the snow. You worked construction and sold your car, and we drove to LA together to put you on a plane to Sweden. I wrote a book for you and kissed you goodbye. Later, I left for Scotland. We met again on foreign soil and walked through a candlelit cemetery. We were handfasted one eerie night on a glowing beach by the North Sea. We had the sweetest, loneliest Christmas together in Scotland.

1994 … You surprised me on a Friday evening by winging your way across two countries via trains, planes, buses, and automobiles. We got engaged accidentally when you knocked on my door at midnight. We traveled across Europe together, sleeping in a tent, in trains, in hostels, mostly apart. We argued and figured out how to work together. We graduated college and I lived with you and your father for a while. We made Reggae on Sunday mornings. We didn’t know what we wanted in life, but we knew we wanted to be together.

1995 … We finally moved into our own apartment together!  It was perfect. P Street friends and many shared meals were fun. We were married on June 3 and it was so good. We honeymooned in Oregon. You were getting your teaching credential. I lost a job and got an internship. We had no dough for six months; we lived on kisses, I think.

1996 … I began working at Prima—a lot. You taught a grade 1-2 class full of disadvantaged kids. It hurt and you wanted to bring them all home with you because they weren’t getting enough love, or food, or dental care. I fell in love with you that much more.

1997 … We became fencers, briefly. We ran at Hiram Johnson High School track together. You attended classes at Rudolf Steiner college, thinking that teaching Waldorf kids would be better. Then you started working with technology and we got a little richer. We locked our TV in the garage and didn’t watch it for two years.

1998 … We worked hard, long hours and saved every dime we could. We lived at my grandmother’s house on 15th Avenue. We went to Hawaii with my parents and the house almost burned down. Technology was better for you in some ways and worse in others.

1999 … We hosted a wedding in grandma’s backyard. We bought our home in June! We attended Burning Man for the first time, but just for two days and it blew our minds. We started planning for more trips to the playa. We were happy and free to move and pursue our interests. I learned to weave. You studied a lot.

2000 … We froze at Burning Man and nearly lost our shelter! Prima layoffs happened and some friends were affected. We built a geodesic dome in our backyard from scratch. We talked about kids and I was scared. We went to New Mexico with your dad to visit family, and then struck out on our own to explore. We read lots and lots of books.

2001 … We went to Burning Man with many friends. Some boots talked to you. Weird times followed, including 9/11 and a pregnancy. We waded through hormones and anxiety together. Would we be decent parents together? What if our marriage changed? We left Kaiser for midwife care instead. We both dreamed we were having a girl. We madly painted fish onto bedroom walls.

2002 … Birthing classes, new friends. Oops, didn’t finish the class because on May 1^st, Lucas baby arrived. Everything changed. I turned 30. This year was hard and lonely for both of us, but also exquisitely beautiful and extraordinary. We didn’t sleep. We struggled to find our places in this new three-part family. I worked from home. Your high-paying job laid you off when Lucas was 4 months old. Now what? You investigated autism.

2003 … You went to work for TAC helping disabled kids. I was so proud of you! My employer asked me to come back and I got so, so sad. We employed a nanny until we realized that I couldn’t be away from home for 55 to 60 hours per week. I left in August after 6.5 years and went freelance. Freelance? What the heck does that mean? We struggled and little Lucas toddled. We visited Hawaii again, with a baby in backpack.

2004 … We took two-year old Lucas to Burning Man and he got pneumonia! We left, feeling like the worst parents ever. He started preschool across the street. You taught little kids to talk, both at work and at home. And we felt so grateful to have this perfect child.

2005 … I started writing on LiveJournal, recording our daily victories and struggles. It helped me stay connected and made me saner. You untangled many knots at work. I began making more money freelancing and we started feeling comfy again. Lucas attended Treasure Garden preschool after some weird hiccups. He spent his days playing outdoors. He was wild.

2006 … Lucas turned 4 and we looked around and thought, “Oh, weren’t we going to have another baby?” And then suddenly there was a bun in the oven. We joined the PSA and the three of us went to Burning Man for one last fling before baby. Mommy got depressed. Lucas started kindergarten. We waited. You worked on a master’s degree.

2007 … Asher arrived in a rush. Oops! We had a baby in the shower. I got sick. Really sick. Hospital and terror. You were mommy and daddy to our kids for a short time. And then there was a slow healing, with a newborn at my side. He eventually got the OK to breastfeed and then I proceeded to fatten him up. You and I both suffered from a little PTSD, I think. Dreamy, sleepy days and nights dominated that first year.

2008 … Asher turned 1. I finished my textbook. You became an executive. Weird. Lucas turned 6 and went to first grade! I experienced my slowest year ever, which gave me lots of time with the kids, but it was also worrisome. We worked hard, ceaselessly supporting this family of four. You were unflagging and lovely and became a brand-new BCBA. I didn’t sleep enough.

2009 … Stressful work for you, easier times for me. Lucas turned 7 and we threw him the most amazing birthday party. Asher learned to talk and made us laugh every day. We lean on each other, as we always have. We love faithfully and intensely.

To Be Continued …

Wow! Two weekend trips in a row! I haven’t written about the last one yet, which was super-fun, but I will soon.

Tonight we head up the hill to Strawberry, just west of the Tahoe Summit. We’ve been invited by Grandpa Glen’s girlfriend, Miriam, to stay with them at her cabin. It’s lovely and nicely situated near a small river and within short driving distance of those sapphire Alpine lakes. I’m really looking forward to hearing the wind whistling through the pines.

Ian’s planning to barbecue some of his extra-fancy steaks. We have loads of organic produce from our CSA (Farm Fresh To You) to take with us, including gorgeous cherries, grapes, heirloom tomatoes, and more zucchini than a CRV full of Wilsons could possibly eat!

I have an empty CF card and I’m not afraid to use it.

P.S. Today, Asher is two and a half, or in the proud parent vernacular, 30 months old!