I should be packing. I’ve spent almost the whole day trying to wrap up my work neatly, so I can go on vacation with a guilt-free conscience. I wasn’t able to tie as pretty a bow on everything as I would have liked, but I still have tomorrow morning, too.

I hope to be on the road by 10:00 a.m. We’ll see. I pulled out the packing list I made for our Bodega Bay vacation at Thanksgiving 2007; it was funny seeing some of the items we had to bring along, like baby food.

We  are all very excited to leave tomorrow! We are hoping to hook up with a few friends while we are near Capitola. I hope the house where we are staying will be cool. It should be!

Our plans for the week off include:

• beach play
• sand castles
• strolling through town
• eating out
• eating in
• Santa Cruz boardwalk
• redwoods
• meeting friends
• flying kites
• naps
• cocktails
• cuddles
• play
• reading
• knitting
• and some working

Sounds heavenly to me, except for that last little part. Wish us luck and safe travels!

Just sayin’.

Lucas received a new Lego kit from the Candy Fairy (AKA Halloween Fairy). Photo by Ian.

I wish I’d managed to write this days ago, but my work has got me hopping like crazy!

Halloween was perfect this year. It felt like such a treat to have it on a Saturday night because we could really enjoy ourselves.

Friday night before Halloween we enjoyed a great meal of pork chops, sweet potatoes, and greens and then carved our jack-o’-lantern. Parnasus and her son X joined us for the carving fun, and I finally hung up the groovy felt decorations we made the day before. This year Lucas managed to carve his own pumpkin, and made a graveyard scene showing headstones and a creepy hand coming up from a grave (What?).  Asher’s jack-o’-lantern was perfectly smiley, just as he requested.

We spent about five hours on Saturday figuring out our costumes. Lucas knew he wanted to be Christopher Robin from the A. A. Milne books. How impossibly cute is that? It was an easy costume to create. We added long socks and some suspenders made of ribbon and dug out my old Winnie the Pooh doll my childhood. I knew there was a good reason to save it all these years!

Thanks to Eden’s suggestion, Ian and decided on Peter Pan and Wendy costumes. I used to have the perfect white nightie, but I turned my wardrobe upside-down and didn’t find it. Fortunately, I had a white summer dress that I combined with a white blouse to make a nightgown. A pretty blue bow in my hair was about all I needed to complete the look. Ian easily transformed some cheap, green shorts and a green shirt from Target into a Peter Pan outfit with some judicious dagging. You might say we were a pretty literary bunch this year.

Grandma and Tolly Dog, who had been away for a month in Tahoe, came home to come out trick-or-treating with us. Ian’s sister Kellie and her boyfriend Matt came along, too. Kellie took this terrific photo of all four of us.

Unfortunately, despite many attempts at finding a costume that Asher would tolerate, we failed. We offered him all kinds of options, which he would agree with at first, but then refused to actually put on. He had talked about being Thomas the Tank Engine and a “big dragon with big teeth,” but in the end, all we could get him to wear was a “super-guy” cape.

Most of the evening, Asher wouldn’t go up to the houses, but stayed back with his family. Those who answered Lucas’s doorbell ring usually sent a piece of candy out to Asher with Lucas or me. Asher finally got up the courage to approach this house and did it properly. He seemed pretty proud of himself after that.

The trick-or-treating was a great success and my kids brought home way too much candy. We went out pretty early in the evening so we could get to the Pumpkin Path at Sacramento Waldorf School at 7 p.m.

The Pumpkin Path was wonderful as always! The children (and their parents) were guided by their Angel Guide along a windy path through the school that was  lighted by jacks and luminairies. They saw skits of toymakers, magic scarecrows, a fable about the lion and the mouse, the race of the hare and the tortoise, singing fairies in the glen, a contest of strength between the sun and the wind, and more. At each station the kids were given a trinket, toy, or edible treat. The best part about the Pumpkin Path this year was the way Lucas guided his little brother, helping him over tree roots in the ground or up and down steps, staying by Asher’s side so he wouldn’t be scared in the night. It was so heartwarming to see Lucas take care of Asher in this way. And Asher gleefully trooped along after Lucas. Last year, we carried Asher through it. This year, he went on his own.

We rounded out the evening with a party at our friends’ house. It was a perfect Halloween!

My 7-year-old really wanted to decorate for the holiday. So, although I’ve never been one for fake spiderwebs and seasonal flags and Mylar balloons, I made some concessions this year.

First, we put those fake spiderwebs all over our home’s entry.

Then we got to crafting. I bought about 15 small pieces of felt (25¢ each) at the craft store yesterday, white and black puffy fabric paint, some tacky glue, and a bag of googly eyes.  The boys and I sat at the kitchen table today for about an hour and a half cutting shapes out of felt and gluing them together. It was really fun! Asher had a hard time working the scissors, but liked the part with the glue!

Lucas made a ghost, skull, vampire bat, orange goblin, and Dracula. I made a bat, three jack-o’-lanterns, haunted house and a witch. Ian came home from work  in time to join us, and he made the light orange ghoulie in the middle. I wish I had a good picture of the piece of yellow felt that Asher completely covered with googly eyes! But such things are fleeting with a 2-year-old around. All the googly eyes ended up on the kitchen floor.

When they are dry, I’ll thread them and hang them.

Much better than any preprinted cardboard decorations from the dollar store, I think!

It feels like forever since I wrote. It’s been such a busy time for me—lots of projects all stacked up on each other, but I think I’m through the worst (best?) of it now. I’m feeling accomplished in this area of my life, but neglectful in others.

My boys have been sick and so everyone is moving slow. Lucas is now better finally and back to school. Ian and Asher are still ill and spending the days playing Legos, watching movies, reading books, building block towers, moving huge piles of toys and things from one end of the house to another, and other low-key things. Ian can work from home a little when he feels up to it.

Although I’m sorry he isn’t feeling well, Ian’s being home the last few days has allowed me to keep my work moving forward and hit my deadlines. This is a huge relief.

On the mothering side, I feel I’m falling down on the job. I mean, nobody’s dying from neglect. Everyone’s adequately nourished and safe. But I usually like to pay a little more attention to my children. It’s five days until Halloween and we don’t even have costumes in the works. No decorations have been hung. The two pumpkins grandma grew in her garden are sitting in the backyard, instead of gracing our front porch. I bought our Pumpkin Path tickets for Saturday night, but that’s about it. Lucas would dearly love to spookify our house and I just haven’t had the time.

We missed the Sacramento Waldorf School’s Harvest Faire on Saturday, which was a real shame because it’s always such fun. But nobody in our family except me was in good enough shape to go out and have fun. At least I got my Children’s Store donations in (nine needle-felted mice, some small, blank journals, and 25 sets of three note cards featuring fairies, mushrooms, flowers, and cute garden snails). I hope to do more next year. (We did more last year!)

I’m looking forward to Asher being well again. I’m always on edge when he is coughing and congested at night. He makes the most horrible choking sounds!

OK, that was fun. Now I must get back to work!

My darling husband had a birthday last Friday; he turned “26” (which stands to reason since I turned “25” again this year and he’ll always be older than me).

Asher and Lucas and I baked him a lovely apple cake. The kids chopped the apples. It went kind of like this: “One for Daddy’s cake. One for me. One for Daddy’s cake. One fore me.”

Here’s the cake before we frosted it with butter cream frosting and topped it with colorful sprinkles. Damn, it was good! Moist and spicy with nutmeg. I used the Apple Hill recipe and it turned out perfect.

I roasted a chicken (and basted it with butter, garlic, and curry powder), which was beautiful and golden but I didn’t get a photo. I prepared a wonderful spinach salad and cauliflower purée, too. (It’s delish and a lot like mashed potatoes but not nearly so carby.) Ian’s sister and her boyfriend (we love them both dearly) joined us for dinner to help us celebrate. They brought the “Beatles Rock Band” game with all the equipment. We all played the game together and had a wonderful time!

Lucas was great at singing “Yellow Submarine.” I haven’t sung into a mic in … well, 20 years. So that was both weird and really fun.

Asher liked the colors on the game, but got discouraged or embarrassed at one point and gave up.

On Saturday, a beautiful, chilly fall day, we got to celebrate with just grown ups. Ian and NoNo and I ate lunch in Placerville and then drove to a little town in the Sierra foothills called Fairplay. It’s south of Apple Hill and has lots of wineries to visit. We went to three of them and tasted Sirahs and Syrahs, and Cabernets and Sauvignon Blancs, Zins and Merlots, Muscats and Ports, and a couple of varietals that I’ve never before heard of. It was lovely, although I found after a while that tasting every other wine was a better plan for me.

At the Winery by the Creek we got a treat we’d never before experienced. We tasted wine directly from the barrel. Young wine is weird and you have to try to “taste it forward.” For me, that didn’t mean much, but that’s probably because by the time we arrived there I was mostly done with wine tasting. We considered the merits of wine futures for the first time. NoNo was really tempted by both the Zinfandel and the Port, but left without buying either.

Ian and I came home with about six bottles after our adventure. We gave one to my folks as a way of thanking them for watching our boys for the afternoon.

“House School” is the delight of the moment. I gather from chatting with another second-grade dad, that it’s not just Lucas’s new play routine. Sounds like lots of second graders are playing school at home, teaching lessons, leading circle time, and saying verses. It manifested for us at home just three days ago. Ian and Asher were the first pupils to attend “House School,” as it’s known here. They had so much fun and raved about it. Lucas was thrilled to have found a game that the whole family could play—especially given that he gets to be in charge of it!

Last night I got to participate in House School a little, sitting in on a drawing lesson with my three boys. Lucas had cut out paper dragon shapes and we all got to color our dragons. I thought it was beautifully fitting for the feast day of St. Michael, which Wikipedia told me is traditionally held on September 29. Our four colorful dragons now adorn our Nature Table.

Something about this time of year has me feeling pulled in two directions in time. I’m wistful about our lazy summer evenings, which featured walks through our neighborhood, slow outdoor dinners with friends (regardless of the day of the week), sleeping until the sunlight streamed boldly through our bedroom window. I’m also feeling wistful about the little people I used to live with: Lucas as a younger boy, Asher as a baby.

At the same time, I’m eagerly looking forward to the joys of the autumn season: a trip to Apple Hill, the school Harvest Faire, our Thanksgiving Away (which hopefully will happen in November). I’m looking forward to some changes that will hopefully make us happier. The boys are growing and their capacity to adapt is greater. We’re thinking about moving them into the same bedroom together later this fall for several reasons: to promote their bonding, to bring their sleeping schedules into alignment with each other, to allow Asher to detach a little more from his nighttime dependence on us, and to allow me to set up shop in Lucas’s bedroom. I long for an office with a door again!

I also have lots of groovy, creative projects in mind, and keep envisioning more. I went to a craft night last night with other school parents and we sat around crafting, drinking wine, and chatting and it was lots of fun. These people are seriously creative! I worked on needle-felting mice for the Children’s Store at the Harvest Fair. I’m hoping to try my hand a soap-making soon, and I’ve been looking forward to taking a drop spinning class with a local teacher/Waldorf mama extraordinaire: Jennifer Tan of Syrendell.

I picked up a new editing project yesterday. You really never know where work is going to come from! This one came to me via my godmother and looks like it will be low-key, with a relaxed pace. It’s time to try lining up some winter projects. I’m pretty well booked through November-December. Staying on top of the marketing is always challenging and yet always worthwhile. I would like to add some new clients into the fold; some new regulars would be lovely.

There dims in damp autumnal air

The senses’ luring magic;

The light’s revealing radiance

Is dulled by hazy veils of mist.

In distances around me I can see

The autumn’s winter sleep;

The summer’s life has yielded

Itself into my keeping.

—Rudolf Steiner (verse for the week of September 8–14)

It’s been a busy, busy week full of adjustments for everyone. Lucas went back to school on Tuesday. There was much rejoicing by his proud parents. He looked ready,  brave, and determined.

Lucas and Asher on the first day of school.

Honestly, I’m so excited for him. This year is going to be wonderful, full of friends, new confidence, Saints and fables to inspire us, as well as dragons to conquer.

Right before entering the second-grade classroom.

We have had some struggles this week. Daddy had to go out of town for a conference on Wednesday morning, and we are emotionally at sea without our anchor. We are used to our days without Daddy, but when evening sneaks in we all look around at each other and miss him terribly. Asher has had a much harder than usual time at Ring-A-Rosies preschool and had to be picked up early two days. He is adjusting to Lucas being gone at school and Daddy not coming home at night, and he’s quite sure the scenario stinks. “I miss my daddy. I want my brother!”

As if to emphasize that change is in the air, Lucas’s top right incisor leaned sooooooo far out of his mouth that Lucas couldn’t help himself; he simply pried it out. And so, my 7-and-1/4-year-old son now has a giant window in his smile, and an adult tooth moving in fast.

See how delighted he is?

Look at the size of that gap!

As you can see, he is quite thrilled about the change and told me all about how he pushed the tooth back until it just popped out “… and there was this dangly gut thingy hanging there!”

We got to use the Tooth Fairy Pillow I made him for the third time, and this morning a $2 bill was sticking out of the pocket.

We all have big plans for the weekend: I’m flying down to Santa Barbara tonight for my first vacation alone with my husband in three years. I went to college in Santa Barbara for two years, and I haven’t been there since 1992. Ian and I courted there, so I’m thinking of this trip as a little honeymoon that we desperately need.

The boys will be going to my parents’ house, who will undoubtedly spoil them and feed them ice-cream sandwiches and sausages and pizza and all their favorite things. I can tell Lucas and Asher are anxious (as evidenced by the tantrums and invented neck aches and “too warm” foreheads), and possibly this isn’t the best weekend for me to leave them, after such an eventful week. And I’m tempted to feel tremendously guilty about it.

Nevertheless, I’m carrying on in the belief that a happy, rested mama, who has had the chance to have fun, reconnect with her husband, and recharge her marriage, will be a better mother for them in the long run.

And they will be fine.

My son is so competent! It was a lot to ask of him, really: sending him to the CSUS Aquatics Camp for five full days, where he was in the youngest group, the Guppies. It was physically challenging and challenging emotionally to be with a group of kids he didn’t know, with an instructor he didn’t know, doing things he had never done before. But oh, did he rise to the occasion!

The first day the kids learned canoeing. The second day was sailing. The third, kayaking. And the fourth day they tried wind-surfing.

We biked—on the water!— and kayaked with Lucas, with Ian and I taking turns. I had hoped we could all go sailing on the tiny sailboats, with Lucas at the tiller, but unfortunately the timing didn’t work out and Asher wouldn’t tolerate the life vest.

While kayaking, Lucas said, “Mom, do you dare me to flip over? Do you double-dare me?” I had to dare, and double- and triple-dare—even “ten-dare” him to flip over (to flip over a perfectly good boat on purpose), while he savored the suspenseful moment. I had to bite my lip and trust that he knew what he was doing. He flipped the kayak over, then righted it, and climbed back aboard, without dropping his paddle. It was awesome.

Then Lucas demonstrated the “wiggle board,” which I guess is a wind-surf board without the sail. He stood and jumped and wiggled it all over, and eventually paddled it in to shore.

I flashed to a picture of him as a young man on a beach, hanging out with friends and catching waves. And there will be girls (or boys, whatever!) gazing at him, admiring his prowess in the water. And I’m still savoring that dreamy image. 

1990 … August 11 … There was a party in Steve and Bryn’s parents’ backyard. There were friends and food, performances, and Greek garb. The stars were out and falling in showers; we drank honey wine and ate grapes. It was a magical beginning for the most magical relationship of my life. Later, in a new town there was a dorm room with pink cabbage roses and white lace on the bedclothes.

1991 … Our long-distance love affair involved letter-writing every day and much driving between Sacramento and Santa Barbara. We shared precious walks on the beach and expensive phone bills. We enjoyed Ren Faire adventures with new friends and poor breathing. Sacramento pulled me home, but I couldn’t come back yet.

1992 … I started a new life in Berkeley. Ancient Greek and Latin studies for me, Bio and sciences for you. The distance didn’t hurt so bad and we saw each other much more often.  We designed rituals and challenged ourselves. We studied magic of many types.

1993 … We broke up, kinda. You needed to leave and see something new. We got back together after a wild run through the snow. You worked construction and sold your car, and we drove to LA together to put you on a plane to Sweden. I wrote a book for you and kissed you goodbye. Later, I left for Scotland. We met again on foreign soil and walked through a candlelit cemetery. We were handfasted one eerie night on a glowing beach by the North Sea. We had the sweetest, loneliest Christmas together in Scotland.

1994 … You surprised me on a Friday evening by winging your way across two countries via trains, planes, buses, and automobiles. We got engaged accidentally when you knocked on my door at midnight. We traveled across Europe together, sleeping in a tent, in trains, in hostels, mostly apart. We argued and figured out how to work together. We graduated college and I lived with you and your father for a while. We made Reggae on Sunday mornings. We didn’t know what we wanted in life, but we knew we wanted to be together.

1995 … We finally moved into our own apartment together!  It was perfect. P Street friends and many shared meals were fun. We were married on June 3 and it was so good. We honeymooned in Oregon. You were getting your teaching credential. I lost a job and got an internship. We had no dough for six months; we lived on kisses, I think.

1996 … I began working at Prima—a lot. You taught a grade 1-2 class full of disadvantaged kids. It hurt and you wanted to bring them all home with you because they weren’t getting enough love, or food, or dental care. I fell in love with you that much more.

1997 … We became fencers, briefly. We ran at Hiram Johnson High School track together. You attended classes at Rudolf Steiner college, thinking that teaching Waldorf kids would be better. Then you started working with technology and we got a little richer. We locked our TV in the garage and didn’t watch it for two years.

1998 … We worked hard, long hours and saved every dime we could. We lived at my grandmother’s house on 15th Avenue. We went to Hawaii with my parents and the house almost burned down. Technology was better for you in some ways and worse in others.

1999 … We hosted a wedding in grandma’s backyard. We bought our home in June! We attended Burning Man for the first time, but just for two days and it blew our minds. We started planning for more trips to the playa. We were happy and free to move and pursue our interests. I learned to weave. You studied a lot.

2000 … We froze at Burning Man and nearly lost our shelter! Prima layoffs happened and some friends were affected. We built a geodesic dome in our backyard from scratch. We talked about kids and I was scared. We went to New Mexico with your dad to visit family, and then struck out on our own to explore. We read lots and lots of books.

2001 … We went to Burning Man with many friends. Some boots talked to you. Weird times followed, including 9/11 and a pregnancy. We waded through hormones and anxiety together. Would we be decent parents together? What if our marriage changed? We left Kaiser for midwife care instead. We both dreamed we were having a girl. We madly painted fish onto bedroom walls.

2002 … Birthing classes, new friends. Oops, didn’t finish the class because on May 1^st, Lucas baby arrived. Everything changed. I turned 30. This year was hard and lonely for both of us, but also exquisitely beautiful and extraordinary. We didn’t sleep. We struggled to find our places in this new three-part family. I worked from home. Your high-paying job laid you off when Lucas was 4 months old. Now what? You investigated autism.

2003 … You went to work for TAC helping disabled kids. I was so proud of you! My employer asked me to come back and I got so, so sad. We employed a nanny until we realized that I couldn’t be away from home for 55 to 60 hours per week. I left in August after 6.5 years and went freelance. Freelance? What the heck does that mean? We struggled and little Lucas toddled. We visited Hawaii again, with a baby in backpack.

2004 … We took two-year old Lucas to Burning Man and he got pneumonia! We left, feeling like the worst parents ever. He started preschool across the street. You taught little kids to talk, both at work and at home. And we felt so grateful to have this perfect child.

2005 … I started writing on LiveJournal, recording our daily victories and struggles. It helped me stay connected and made me saner. You untangled many knots at work. I began making more money freelancing and we started feeling comfy again. Lucas attended Treasure Garden preschool after some weird hiccups. He spent his days playing outdoors. He was wild.

2006 … Lucas turned 4 and we looked around and thought, “Oh, weren’t we going to have another baby?” And then suddenly there was a bun in the oven. We joined the PSA and the three of us went to Burning Man for one last fling before baby. Mommy got depressed. Lucas started kindergarten. We waited. You worked on a master’s degree.

2007 … Asher arrived in a rush. Oops! We had a baby in the shower. I got sick. Really sick. Hospital and terror. You were mommy and daddy to our kids for a short time. And then there was a slow healing, with a newborn at my side. He eventually got the OK to breastfeed and then I proceeded to fatten him up. You and I both suffered from a little PTSD, I think. Dreamy, sleepy days and nights dominated that first year.

2008 … Asher turned 1. I finished my textbook. You became an executive. Weird. Lucas turned 6 and went to first grade! I experienced my slowest year ever, which gave me lots of time with the kids, but it was also worrisome. We worked hard, ceaselessly supporting this family of four. You were unflagging and lovely and became a brand-new BCBA. I didn’t sleep enough.

2009 … Stressful work for you, easier times for me. Lucas turned 7 and we threw him the most amazing birthday party. Asher learned to talk and made us laugh every day. We lean on each other, as we always have. We love faithfully and intensely.

To Be Continued …