Asher is now four weeks old today. Crazy how the time has both dragged and flown by. I’ve had a lot on my mind and a lot going on in my body.

Asher is fuller now. All that formula is rounding him out. He has chubby cheeks now and gorgeous dark blue eyes. I wonder if they’ll change to brown or be like his daddy’s and brother’s eyes. We’ll have to wait several months to find out. Asher’s hair is lighter than Lucas’s was at this age, although it’s fairly similar to Lucas’s hair color now.

Last night was tough because Asher was awake from about 2 to 4:15 a.m. Today he and I bravely ventured into the sunny, crisp world today to go to a doctor’s appointment. I managed him by myself, but it wasn’t easy. He’s heavy and awkward to carry in that carseat. He doesn’t like it at all.

Health Aside: Doctor Chen says I’m definitely getting better. My white count is back to normal now. No fevers. Uterine tenderness is almost completely gone. She wants to hear what the OB says about the ultrasound and she wants me to have another CT scan in 2-3 weeks to see if that fluid has been reabsorbed. In general, she’s very happy with how I’m doing now compared to two weeks ago, when I was “sick as heck.”

Thaemos surprised us by joining us for lunch today. He helped by schlepping the littlest Wilson to the Red Rose Kindergarten class so we could pick up Lucas, then we all went to lunch at Carmelita’s. It was a perfectly wonderful surprise and very helpful to boot. Asher slept through the meal. Lucas gobbled a bean and cheese burrito, and it was fun.

It’s tricky to manage Lucas and Asher by myself as I did this afternoon. Lucas desperately wants my attention at all times. He’s still struggling with adjusting to a new baby in the house and still coping with feelings related to my disappearing to go to the hospital and my slow recovery. He’s a giant ball of energy in constant motion. When I’m not feeling well, I have little to no patience for his antics. He makes so much noise. He talks back. He puts on a tough-guy attitude and wants to fight/wrestle/play “army”/stomp/run/crash etc. It’s exhausting to me. His love for his baby brother is exuberant and a little too rough, a little too germy, a little too loud. Lucas is dealing with the fact that I’m not able to pay attention to him in the same way I always have. I try to find ways to give him special attention. Lately, I’ve been helping him get ready for bed more, reading stories, etc. If he calls out in the night, I try to go to him myself instead of sending daddy. Fortunately, he still says that cuddles with me before bed are still his favorite time of day.

I’m doing much better now. Today I took my last antibiotic pill — hopefully the infection is gone for good. I’m nervous that I might start hurting again now that I’ve completed the course of drugs. I still have fluid in my abdominal cavity that shouldn’t be there, but it doesn’t seem to be an abscess. I tire easily. We’re waiting to hear what the OB says about my ultrasound — something about a possible blood clot per the technician. Doc says more CT scans are in my future. Mmmmm … barium. I am afraid sometimes.

I’m spending time getting to know my baby, now that I feel well enough to actually care for him. Hopefully in two days I’ll be breastfeeding again. Bottlefeeding + pumping sucks! Especially the pumping part. Asher is great — healthy and strong. He eats all the time. He’s really wonderful and pretty easy, so far. We’ve had a couple of easier nights (meaning he has slept more and eaten less during the night), so we’re hoping he’s adjusting his rhythms to better match ours. We took him to a friend’s house on Sunday to hang out with folks and he slept most of the time we were there. It gave us a wonderful opportunity to relax and rest, but also to be around loving friends and be social.

Dad is back from Hawaii with prezzies and a bad cold. Somehow it didn’t stop him from diving. I’m glad he didn’t stay home because of me.

The antibiotics are working, as far as I can tell. No fevers now; pain is only occasional and could be more related to the antibiotics wiping out all the helpful flora in my body than to the infection. (It’s hard to say and I feel like a hypochondriac: in my craziness, every twinge could be a sign of a deadly condition.) I’ve shrunk, meaning the edema from all the drugs and fluids they pumped into me is pretty much gone–thank god. Looking down and seeing someone else’s hips, legs, ankles, and feet instead of my own was extremely disconcerting–a peculiar and powerful mindfuck I hope I never experience again!

I have ventured out of the house only a few times in the last two weeks, heading to doctors’ appointments and taking Lucas to some friends’ house for the day. Last night we dropped Lucas off at grandma and grandpa’s house and went to a fabulous birthday party. We stayed only a few hours and I wish we could have stayed longer, but I had a wonderful time while I was there. So many beautiful, shining people. So much love and joie de vivre packed into one house. I wish there were more time for visiting with out-of-town guests. The birthday girl was fantabulously tremendifous, as usual, and the hostesses and helpers deserve major points for creating such magic in the midst of extremely busy lives. Thank you, party people, for providing the most fun moments of my last month.

Lucas is hovering between being an endearing helper and an annoying snot lately. His amount of energy and activity has been far more than I can comfortably handle during these past two weeks at home. He’s bored with my recuperation and wants active attention from me, and I just don’t have a lot to give him. I feel bad about farming him out to friends’ houses for playdates and babysitting after vanishing from his life for six days straight, but there has been no way for me to manage/entertain him, take care of myself, and look after Asher. (Ian’s only been back to work for the last four days, prior to that, he was doing everything and taking care of everyone while I took pills, slept, pumped, and moaned.) I try to tell Lucas often how much I love him, and how happy I am to be with him, even if I can’t do all the things he’s like me to do. At least I’m well enough to cuddle him in bed every night at bedtime.

Asher is delightful. Fortunately, so far, he is an easy baby. He sleeps many, many hours every day. When he’s not sleeping, he’s sucking down formula like crazy. It’s frustrating to pump and dump my breastmilk every 3-4 hours (makes me feel like a dairy cow)and have to fix him bottles of formula. The truth is, if we were living 60 years ago, we both might have died because of this infection: me because of the infection, him because of inadequate nourishment. So, now I regret the bitchy thoughts I had at Costco a month ago when I watched a couple with a baby put a case of Enfamil in their shopping cart. I thought to myself, “my baby won’t have to drink that crap, and I won’t have to spend money on it.” Life threw me a curve ball.

I have a couple days’ worth of antibiotics left to take. I am hopeful that sometime this week I’ll get the doctor’s OK to breastfeed, that my milk will be in adequate supply for Asher’s voracious appetite, and that he will return to breastfeeding with ease instead of with resistance. They say it’s easier for babies to eat from a bottle; they don’t have to work as hard as when they suckle from a real breast. We’ll see if Asher has become a lazy eater in this time.

I’m fearful that after I take the last of the antibiotics the pain and fevers will return. This is probably just fear. I have a lot of fear these days. I am grateful to all the men and women who discovered/developed the wide range of available antibiotics: If penicillin were the only one, I’d be dead now.

So, morbid thoughts. Yep, I have a lot of them now. I have a lot of feelings that are ugly and frightening and big. It’s pretty crazy inside my head these days. Oh, one of the drugs I was on a week ago has depression as a side effect. Sometimes I do feel depressed. But I’m alive and safe and very, very well loved.

Ian’s back at work this week. At times that’s fine and other times it’s not. Today has been a very emotional day. I wonder if it’s the baby blues or if I’m just reeling from all that’s happened to me lately. Either way, I feel sucky and sad. My meds make me feel bad.

Dakini carted me around a bunch yesterday. She took me and Asher to a pediatrician appointment in the morning and then took us both to my ultrasound appointment and blood draw later in the day. I was glad for the company and happy I didn’t have to manage the baby and the carseat and the stuff all by myself. I’m getting stronger, but have little stamina or strength right now. All this bed rest has turned my muscles to mush. So, anyway, thank you, Dakini for the grocery run and the companionship!

Asher is three weeks old today. The pediatrician says he’s now 9 pounds, 4 ounces, which is good growth. Next time we see her, she’ll want to give him 6 different vaccines. I have to decide how I feel about that.

Today was quieter; no appointments to go to. NoNo came over in the morning to watch over us. She graciously cleaned my kitchen and living room and held me while I cried. Thanks, NoNo.

I’m such a basketcase. I’m afraid a lot.

Although there is fluid in my abdominal cavity, it’s been confirmed by my recent CT scan (and compared to last week’s) that it’s not an abscess. This is very good, because “abscess” meant hospitalization and “drainage,” which sounds a lot like “surgery” to me. So.

Dr. Chen is good. She’s clever and thorough and communicative. She called me twice yesterday and said she would be in the office today faxing pertinent pages of the 50 pages of records she received from the hospital to my new OB/gyn, whom I will see on Monday.

The Number 1 theory is therefore still uterine infection. Yesterday was a pretty good day, despite the fact that at 4 am I was sure I’d be heading to the ER. The rest of the day shaped up nicely, with low to no fever and pain. I even felt good enough to demand a sushi dinner out. The four of us went to Wasabi and gorged. (Well, in truth, Asher slept and didn’t eat at all.) We were out about an hour before I got tired and wanted to be home again.

I feel a bit like a hypochondriac because every day seems to have so many ups and downs, aches and pains. Sometimes my chest hurts. I answer questions of “how do you feel?” with caution because it changes so rapidly. Today there’s a section of my right mid-back that’s hurting and I’m wondering if it’s one of my kidneys trying to process all the drugs and poison I’ve injested. (Barium is not food.)

I wish I could put my baby to breast! I think we both need it badly, but I don’t want his tiny system to have to cope with all these chemicals, and breastfeeding is forbidden for now. The formula satisfies him, which is good, but it makes me sad to feed him with a bottle and then pump and dump my milk. I have lots of fears about losing my milk supply completely to this stupid illness. Honestly, nursing is just about the most enjoyable part of having an infant.

Waiting for CT scan results, several cultures, etc. I’ve never had an illness with so many ups and downs before: This morning at 4 am my temp was 103 with shortness of breath and I was pretty certain I’d be heading for the ER after we sent Lucas off to school. At 7 am it was down to 99 and I felt pretty good–and still do, for the moment. I scrambled some eggs for myself and did some dishes. It’s so peculiar.

Dad’s on a plane flying to Hawaii right now with my gran and grand-aunt and a bunch of family members. Last night he was here grilling me about my temp, and he called again this morning to find out what it was. I was happy to tell him normal and 99, and not 103. He was considering staying home because I’m sick.

OB/gyn appt on Monday; Ultrasound on Tuesday. Hopefully in the next couple of days we’ll know what’s going on with me. Hopefully the new drugs will do the work of knocking out the infection in the meantime.

I wish I could say I am steadily improving and will be completely recovered soon. Unfortunately, I’ve had some setbacks. I have a fever that recurrs and some intense pain. My new doctors have ordered a new battery of tests (I am in fact drinking a barium shake as I write this in preparation for another CT scan this afternoon). My white blood cell count is too high, indicating that there is still infection in my body. My drugs have all been changed again (which precludes me from breastfeeding Asher again and that breaks my heart). Sometimes I feel loads better and can move around the house with relative ease (or even walk outside), other times I can hardly lift my baby. On the plus side, I have not returned to the hospital and hope to avoid the ER completely. I’m still at home with my family, thank god, but in need of a lot of support.

Thanks to all who have been following my health dramas and wishing me well. I am grateful for your support.

Sara’s home! We’re all thrilled! Thanks for the prayers and good vibes. I am sure she’ll send her story out in the next couple days, in the meantime, she is home and holding on to our babies like crazy.