Lucas has started at the Red Rose Kindergarten! Wednesday was his first official day of school, after a 1-hour “orientation” on Tuesday that involved a tour of the classroom and yard that focused on the important things, such as where all the toys are kept. On Tuesday we all had a circle time together too, and I think because I was there he was a little clingy and nervous.

Wednesday was a different story, however. Ian and I both took Lucas to school. There were more parents in the play yard than kindergartners. He was so cute in his play clothes with his new stuff bag that grandma made and his lunchbox (with handmade cloth napkins inside). He proudly posed for photos at the front gate and in front of the sign, and immediately started playing in the yard; he climbed a tree, and crossed a footbridge, and greeted his friends.

When it was time to line up and go into the Red Rose classroom, he gave us hugs, changed into his inside shoes, and marched inside without a backward glance. No tears. No whining. No clinging. He was ready. We parents hung around after the kids went inside and were given carnations and name tags to wear and a book about Waldorf education—one I’m pleased that I haven’t already purchased! We mingled and ate cookies and drank tea.

Later that day, when I picked Lucas up, he emerged grinning from ear to ear with his empty lunchbox in hand. One of the teachers caught my eye and gave me the thumbs up. She knows I was concerned since he is among the youngest children in the class.

So, he’s had three days at his new school. A couple of times he’s told me he’s “sick,” which is his way of expressing a little anxiety about a situation. But each morning, he has proudly strode off to the car with dad to go to school without a whimper. I’ve been dosing his moring cup of water with a Bach’s flower essence tincture called “Rescue Remedy.” It’s something those Waldorfy homeopathic people recommend for nerves and stress. I don’t know if it works, but it seemed worth a try.

We’re trying to get our schedule back to school days with an early bedtime for Lucas, but it’s tough after Burning Man. It didn’t help that Wednesday night was grandma’s birthday and Saturday night we stayed out really late at a super-fun party.

On Saturday morning, I hung out with my mother for a while. I took her to Sac Waldorf School and showed her the play yard. We peeked into Lucas’s classroom and then toured the rest of the school. She hadn’t ever been there before, and was impressed with the place. I think she’s onboard with our decision. We’ll be inviting the grandparents to the Harvest Festival in October.

It’s a boy.

My heart is broken. I am so disappointed. I never wanted two boys. I never saw my life like this. My whole life I’ve thought I’d someday have a daughter. It’s what I always pictured, always knew to be true. And now I am miserable. I’m not happy about this new baby boy. I feel broken and hollow inside. Like my hopes blew away in yesterday’s afternoon breeze. I am completely ashamed of the degree of my sadness, ashamed to admit to anyone how wrong I feel this is. I feel guilty. I feel like I’m a terrible and shallow person. I am ugly and evil.

It’s not what I wanted. It’s not fair. I wanted a little darling. I wanted someone I could relate to. I wanted my daughter to grow up and be my friend and companion and confidante. I fear I will never have this type of relationship with my sons. Oh God, my sons.

I wanted someone to cherish and be feminine with. I wanted dresses and hair clips and ballet lessons and horses and unicorns and fairies. I wanted someone to shop with and do silly things like get facials and someone to talk about feminism with. I wanted someone to share my interests. I wanted someone to share what I know about men, women, friendships, relationships, goodness and truth with. I am afraid that as my children grow, they will grow farther and farther away from me, instead of toward me in closeness. I wanted someone to be with me when I am old and alone.

I am so sad and I am shocked at this pain. I feel inconsolable. I want to change it. There is no way to change it.

I cannot talk about it. I can’t talk to my mother or father, Ian’s parents, or my friends. Our family knows, and I cannot show this to them. I keep crying like an idiot. I don’t want to tell people my baby is healthy, has all his parts, and looks great on the sonogram screen. I don’t want to share the pictures. I don’t think I can fake happiness right now, even though I am relieved to see he’s whole and apparently healthy. I’m not ready for this. I’m not strong enough.

I don’t want people’s sympathy. I don’t want cheering up. I don’t want to hear people blow off my despair because little boys are nice too. I don’t want to hear how great it will be for Lucas to have a little brother. How two boys are so much fun, or whatever. I don’t want my sadness and disappointment to be known because I’m ashamed and embarrassed to feel this way, nor do I want it minimized because it’s the biggest and darkest and most powerful feeling of grief I’ve ever felt.

I don’t want to hear people say they feel sorry for me. I don’t want to hear how great a mother I’m going to be for my sons. I don’t want to hear how it will all be all right as soon as I hold my new baby—that I’ll get over it. I don’t want to get over it.

I want a girl baby.

Burning Man.

It burned me up and out and lit the fire in my heart again. It wasted me and renewed me again and again each day I was there. I was schizophrenically me and not me at the same time; my roles were mixed-up and rolled together and it made me freer and more confused than ever. It. Was. Hard. Mothering and being mothered. Nurturing and being nurtured. Intimate insiders busting out and brand-new outsiders getting in. I didn’t like the theme. Yet I lived the theme. Hopes were dashed and fears realized. Other fears blew away in the wind and new hopes were born in me. Sometimes I was all there and other times I was lost and nowhere and without a compass, except the Man. My man. The Sun. My Son. Emotions gripping and then vanishing. Nature and Elements clung to my skin. There was no escape, yet through surrender, I escaped all. I. Was. Sober. Nothing but a little caffeine to fuel my urges. Baby inside, boy outside. Peeingest Burning Man Ever! Being semi-recognizably pregnant on the playa brought attentions both unexpected and sometimes undesired. I felt simultaneously my most beautiful self and my most awkward and invisible. At times I was fully surrounded by my dearly beloved, reveling in their quiet presence. At other times I felt distantly separated despite their nearness. My husband and lover—alone with me at last. REJOICING in our togetherness. It was both quiet and desperate, both beautiful and sad. Thank you, Agents.

In a word, I am now RAW from the dust, the heat, the art, the effort, and the impact.

This week I have received loaner maternity clothes from an ex-coworker, and two giant boxes of preggy clothes from a friend of a friend, who is now Done with her pregnancy days. This is like getting money from heaven, because it’s extremely expensive to outfit oneself completely for a mere 5 months! Most of what I got will be useful, and some of what I got is actually cute. Ian also unearthed from the mountain of crap in my garage the small box of clothes I used when I was pregnant the first time. Although I’m not at all happy to see my few, oft-worn maternity rags again, at least I know they will fit me. I also know now that I won’t have to shiver in January wearing only an ill-fitting sarong and a pair of socks!

Dude! I just realized that while at Burning Man, I won’t be able to post to my LJ! Eeeek! I’m totally hooked. What am I gonna do? It is fairly unlikely that I’ll want to write long hand on the playa!

Today is Lucas’s last day of preschool, ever. I’m going at noon to his school to join the children for homemade blackberry cake and ice cream (blackberries picked by the children).

Miss Jennifer has been a wonderful teacher, and her garden and yard and all the outside time she’s provided over the last year have been absolutely the perfect thing for Lucas. He has toughened up, become more independent, learned to appreciate nature, and gotten in touch with the seasons in a very real sense. He has bonded with all the elements and is physically stronger and bolder than he was before. Although being around a larger group of children, and being around older children hasn’t always been great for Lucas’s behavior, he has learned important lessons about friendship, courage, loyalty, being kind, taking care of others, and even about hurt feelings and how to cope with them. I know this is all just the tip of the iceberg, but it’s been a good year for him and I’m grateful that we landed in the Hidden Treasure garden after all the preschool drama of last fall.

I’m trying to think of a good gift to give Miss Jennifer to thank her for all she’s done. One that costs about $5 would be great, but I can’t think of anything. Maybe I’ll go to the nursery on the way there. I have about 7 Daisy Dollars to spend…

I’m excited that Lucas is starting at the Red Rose Kindergarten on September 6, and also a little nervous. I hope he isn’t the youngest (and smallest) child there. I’m happy to have reached Sacramento Waldorf School because its stability is extremely reassuring to me. I know that nothing major will change for probably two years, which is a good long time to grow and learn and make lasting friendships without a lot of stress. Several of Lucas’s friends will be in the Kindergarten for two years with him, and will likely be in his grades classes for the next eight years after that.

Last Friday we all went to a work day at the Red Rose Kindergarten. We scrubbed chairs, play stands and shelves with water and Murphy’s oil soap. We cleaned crayons (yes, you read that right—we cleaned the fancy German crayons so that their colors would be pure when used). Lucas swept and raked. Other families were there, as well as the teachers. It was a wonderful way to get the children to begin to claim their classroom and play-yard as their own, and to start to feel comfortable there. The parents got to know each other a little more. The kids had a snack together when the work was done.

Tonight is a parent meeting with Red Rose teachers. I suppose we’ll be educated in what is expected of us.

It’s been a busy month: two strategy guide copyedits, some business writing, some volunteer writing for UUSS, ongoing editing of chapters of a massage therapy textbook, an editing exam completed and passed for a new client, and five days of in-house proofreading for two magazine for shipout.

Work Done = LOTS
Income this month = SUCKY, like barely into four digits.
Income next month = MUCH BETTER

I saw my aunt and uncle from Minnesota on Saturday night. They were visiting and we celebrated my mother’s birthday (it was the first time she and her four siblings have been together in one place in 6 years). Anyway, my uncle Mike is the one who works for a religious press in St. Paul. I edited two books for them in 2004 and 2005. Mike said the references for the Bakke book were just about the toughest refs (footnotes and bibliography) they’ve had in years, which was a relief because I CRIED and SWEATED and BLED getting those refs right!

http://www.augsburgfortress.org/store/item.asp?ISBN=0800636988&CLSID=157771&PRODUCTGROUPID=-1

http://www.augsburgfortress.org/store/item.asp?ISBN=0800637259&CLSID=157766&PRODUCTGROUPID=-1

Well, my uncle and aunt both independently praised my work on those two books. Tatha said that the books read beautifully and that I did a marvelous job. Mike said that the editors I worked for on those two projects both left and that’s why they didn’t return my messages, not because the publisher didn’t like my work as I had feeared.

My aunt, Tatha Wiley, is a brainiac extraordinaire and religious scholar with a doctorate in divinity. This is her latest book:

Paul and the Gentile Women
Reframing Galatians

by Tatha Wiley
T & T Clark,2005
168 pages,English
Paper,5.5 x 8.5
ISBN: 0826417078
List Price: $27.95
Your Price: $22.36
www.eisenbrauns.com/wconnect/wc.dll?ebGate~EIS~~I~WILPAULAN

Here’s a page showing all of her published works:
http://pokermagazine.com/cgi-bin/apf4/amazon_products_feed.cgi?Operation=ItemSearch&SearchIndex=Books&Author=Tatha%20Wiley

Tatha is currently editing a six-book series and she said she’d love it if I were the copyeditor for the series! (She’s also putting me in touch with other editors she knows.)

Mike said that he’ll send me a list of 2007 titles so I can choose some to edit for Fortress!
So, yay me! Networking and family helps, but my hard work and skills are appreciated!

We’ve been practicing! Ian, Lucas, and I have been taking occasional evening bike rides after dinner. Lucas is a wiz on his tagalong bike now. (The tagalong is kind of like a tandem bike for one big person in front and one small person in back.) Lucas loves going downhill as fast as possible, and he pedals like a madman no matter how quickly they speed along. When Ian’s coasting, Lucas is pedaling. He even helps on the uphill climbs. Ian says the balance shifts based on Lucas’s movement and that’s a little weird, but they both seem to have the hang of it. We got Lucas a new bike helmet that has little cartoon dinosaurs and cavemen on it. He wears it religiously and without argument, for which I’m very grateful! So, except for the fact that my 3-speed clunker only has one speed (3rd gear—not my first choice for neighborhood hills), we are ready for the playa!

* We are borrowing a pair of walkie-talkies and a generator from Ian’s stepfather.
* Thanks to X’s growing feet, we have an extra pair of boots for Lucas to wear on the playa.
* I have a new pair of maternity shorts, and a handful of old sarongs: This may be the extent of my playawear & costumery this year.
* Ian figured out our shade structure configuration.
* My dad’s trailer should be here for our packing this weekend.
* There’s plenty of el-wire in the garage, but not plenty of time in which to make something el-wirey. Ian has hopes of making something, nonetheless.

Poor Ian has to write a paper and take a final this week.

Step-by-step, little-by-little, we inch toward our departure for Black Rock City at 3 a.m. on Monday morning.

A little trouble at preschool: I’m told by Miss Jennifer that Lucas has been picking on Ella lately, especially Tuesday and Wednesday of this week. Today was better, apparently. Ian had mentioned to Jennifer that Lucas has been pretty rough with me lately, too. The teacher’s theory is that, on some level, Lucas may know about the pregnancy. Who knows? I just know that WILD, and OUT OF BOUNDS, and RAMBUNCTIOUS are the best words to describe him these days.

I’ve bragged about Lucas’s artwork before. I’ve seen a tremendous level of detail coming through his drawings over the last several months. His favorite themes are rockets and robots, machines and vehicles, cannons, pirate ships, and the occasional princess (riding in a rocket). Today at school, he drew a damned good picture of a train, complete with engine, engineer, smokestack and smoke, wheels, a trestle bridge, and couplers linking two other cars to the engine. One of the other cars is a box car (with a box inside) and the other is a passenger car with two little passengers poking their heads out the windows. It’s freaking great! I think he’s brilliant … perhaps diabolically so.

I’m feeling pretty great, if a little tired. (I’ve been working a lot lately (thank goodness.) I actually made it to my second appt. with the midwife today.

Baby sounds good! Heartbeat is strong and regular. Not difficult to find this time. Ruth says everything looks fine to her, and that’s nice to hear. I have to get 3 tests: bloodwork (soon), AFP, and an ultrasound (after Burning Man). Not too excited about the AFP test: It screens for some genetic defects but not all. So if you get a “negative,” that’s good, but there might still be a problem with the baby. If you get a “positive,” that’s bad, but maybe not because the test gets lots of false positives. More tests then become necessary. It sounds very stressful.

Lucas is impish. He threw a royal tantrum today because I wouldn’t let him wear his batman sunglasses to school. The only gratifying part was that my father got to witness the tantrum since he was driving Lucas this morning.

We’re all getting excited about Burning Man. It’s not far off now at all and I haven’t even thought about all the stuff there is to do between now and then. Yikes. My attitude is pretty laid back, all things considered. My only concern is making sure Lucas is happy and well out there, and that we have a relaxing time. I’m undertaking no big projects, and accepting no big responsibilities beyond taking care of our own needs. I’m looking forward to slacking for a week. I’ve secured my parents’ promise to come and pick Lucas up from us in Reno on Friday before the Saturday burn so that Ian and I can return to BRC and enjoy 2 days alone with no kid. I’ve also secured my folks’ permission to borrow a chaise lounge, which I plan to enjoy if I feel tired or cranky or lazy.

The only bad thing is that it’s looking like Burning Man is causing some potential work to flow away from me and toward other editors because the dates are pretty rotten for one particular client. But I NEED this vacation. And so, I’m taking it.