On a totally different train of thought …

I think I may be the only person I know who deliberately hides her head in the sand when the news comes on. Not just the TV news. I pretty much avoid most news every day. Ian fills me in on critical topics, I am embarrassed to say. (Honestly! I have a critical mind and a college degree and everything!) I have avoided reading a single word about Katrina and the human devastation she wrought. I can’t face the fact of families separated; children victimized in the absence of trusted loved ones; people crammed together, hungry and thirsty, grieving, ignored, neglected, forgotten. I eschew the news, the pictures, even the “feel-good” rescue stories that the media injects us with because they are like morphine; they are meant to make us forget all the pain that is being suffered right now.

But who am I to talk or blame others for ignoring or forgetting the wicked, unconscionable darkness of it all? I cling to my safety; to my warm, living, thriving son; to my husband who shields my eyes and ears from pictures and sounds that will break my heart and rattle around day and night inside my head. I cling to my mundane patterns and many joys and thank the universe for what I have.

I am moved to feel hatred and disdain for our government. I am moved to laughter that a Hollywood actor does more in one day to help the people of New Orleans than our President, the leader of our nation, the man we are supposed to be able to look to in our times of crisis. Where is our FDR? Our Kennedy? Remember what we heard from the Democrats in the last election? There are two Americas. It’s so clear.

It took nearly two weeks to break over me. I finally cried.

Lucas seems to be adjusting pretty well to Treasure Garden. I blew it yesterday and forgot Baby Tidoo at home. I was out during the day, but came home to a phone message from Miss Keiko saying, “Lucas would really like to have Baby Tidoo for naptime today, if you can bring her over.” (You have to imagine the Japanese accent.) I could hear Lucas shrieking in the background, crying for his dolly. Yes, I felt like a schmuck. I guess she held him until he finally fell asleep.
I apologized to them both, and promised never to forget Baby Tidoo again. I think I have proven my determination to Lucas by taping a little sign up on the front door. It says, “Don’t forget Baby Tidoo!!” He thinks that’s funny, and seems to have forgiven me.

Today, it sounds like Lucas napped at preschool without too much trouble (with Baby Tidoo snug in his arms). They made vegetable soup together at school. They played and got dirty. They were all seated around the table eating grapes and almonds when I came to pick Lucas up.

I should also mention that he talks about Ex-Teacher pretty often. Like all the way to TG today, he talked about Ex-Teacher and Ex-Preschool. He doesn’t believe me when I say that she’s not having school–that she closed the school. He’s sure she will come back and he will be able to go to her house and play with her. Adjusting to the new stuff isn’t turning out to be that hard. Letting go of the old stuff really is, though. I can tell Lucas is grieving and trying to sort out why a fixture of his life has vanished. Miss Keiko doesn’t sound worried, though. And she’s not taking any of what he says personally, either. That’s good because he’s said, “I like Miss Ex-Teacher. I’m going to go back to her preschool when she comes back.”

It’s somewhat warm today. More like our typical September weather than the last week has been. Lucas and I decided to go to my parents’ house for a swim. The air was lovely and warm; the water was frigid. Still, that doesn’t stop him from enjoying himself. And therefore, I bravely followed him into the pool. We splashed and played games until our lips turned blue. Lucas is quite the accomplished swimmer: provided he has his water wings on. (I meant to take him to swimming lessons this summer, but somehow time just got away from us. My work never really let up at all.)

Speaking of work, I’m swamped. I turned down four projects last week and one today! I hate turning down work. Even when I’m busy and the funds are flowing in, I always feel like starvation is just around the corner. I guess that’s freelancing for ya. Got a fat check from a client today (billed in advance), so I guess I really have to do the work.

This past weekend we were able to buy some clothes for each of us, and new tires for my car! That felt good. I’ve been driving around on a leaky rear tire for more than a year now. It’s been dangerously underinflated so often that the wear pattern on the tire was pretty grim. Ian’s new duds are swanky and for work. Lucas’s are practical and for the sandbox. And mine will probably never see the light of day, as they are grown-up, wear-them-outside-the-house-and-into-the-world kind of clothes. A girl’s gotta dream.

So, this really cool, totally generous person I know presented me with a box full of very expensive, gently used, beautiful, sexy undergarments tonight. They are mine to keep and I’m overwhelmed and delighted and grateful and giddy.

Thank you.

Today was Lucas’s third day at his new preschool, Treasure Garden. Although he has expressed not a little anxiety about this change, I think he’s adjusting well. Children are uniquely adaptable, right? (I hope so.) He still argues with me, though, that Ex-Teacher really IS having school this year, and that after this week, he can go back to her house. I just quietly say, “I’m sorry. Ex-Teacher is not having school this year.”

Treasure Garden is a source of new delights, new friends, new foods, and new activities. Miss Keiko is a darling Japanese woman who has run this preschool for 4 years now. Last year, she was completely full and had children on a waiting list. I don’t know how or why, but this year, she is thankfully not full, and we were able to enroll immediately, at the last GD minute. TG started one week later than Ex-Preschool, but all in all, it has worked out marvelously well.

Let’s see. Lucas misses Baby Kimberlee, his baby sister. But is rather enchanted by a little girl named Lauren, who is also 3 years old. Lauren is attending TG for the second year in a row, and goes there all of the days that Lucas goes. He seems very pleased about that and talks about her.

There’s also Sophia and her younger brother Joseph, and Charlie, who might be 4. Miss Keiko says that Lucas is very good a sharing and using his words with the other children.

I was struck with amazement on Tuesday morning as I drove to Sacramento Magazine that after just a one-hour interview and visit to TG, I happily handed over a check for $1,200+ and MY ONLY CHILD to a stranger and gushed, “Have a wonderful day! (Mommy always comes back.)”

Those first two days, VoVo had to pick him up from school. I’m a little sad that I didn’t get to hear first hand what he had to say about the place those days, but VoVo has assured me that it was all positive. The only thing that indicates he’s still a bit nervous is that he wouldn’t nap there at all.

It’s Wednesday night now, and Lucas won’t be back to school until next Monday, but he seems to be looking forward to it.

What treasures did Lucas bring home from Treasure Garden? A painting, a song, and hand-packed organic peppermint teabags. The bread they made from scratch didn’t make it home.

Today was a Mommy-Lucas Day. These are precious Fridays during which I try hard to ignore my clients and make up for lost time with Lucas—the time when Lucas has been with other caregivers. Sometimes Mommy-Lucas days are magical and fun and serve to recharge my batteries, reset my Guiltometer nearer to zero, and remind me how amazing and delightful my little boy is.

Today was one of those days. Despite the huge pile of work on my desk, the looming deadlines, and the two offers of MORE editing projects, I took my kid out for a morning of fun-but-ordinary errands.

First we went to see Dr. O’Brian, Mommy’s chiropractor. My back is doing better now, thank you. I may have just one appointment next week instead of two! Lucas likes Dr. O’Brian because he has toys and tuning forks and a giant orange gym ball that makes an awesome “boing” when Lucas dribbles it in the exam room. I like Dr. O’Brian because he folds and twists and hugs my spine into a popping-cracking bliss. For a doctor, he gives really good hugs.

Next, Lucas and I headed toward the fish/aquarium store. My poor fish are suffocating in a dingy tank with a very, very old and scudgy filter. Lucas and I both like to peer into fish tanks, noses on the glass. We like all the colors fish come in, especially the blue ones. On the way, though, Lucas announced that he had to go potty, so we had to make a detour back to our house.

OK. Then we went to the fish store. Alas, they were closed. We headed for a nearby pet store instead. Their back room has some nice fish. We saw orange fish and turtles and lizards with blue tongues. We watched the bunnies and saw tiny mice running on a wheel. Lucas thought they were pretty funny. The love birds were too loud, we decided. We bought blue and green rocks to go in the tank, after I clean it.

Lunchtime. We walked across the parking lot to the “Round Tables.” Lucas has been asking to go there for a while. The kid polished of three pieces of pizza! Then we drove down the road a little way to stop in at Baskin Robins. (Yeah, I know it’s junk food.) He ate a sherbet called “Wild & Reckless.” It was bright blue, green, and purple. It takes a really long time for a 3-year-old to eat a single scoop on a sugar cone.

We stopped in at Ross next. I bought him two toys there for $10. One is an indoor bowling set with a soft ball and six soft pins. The other is a lacing kit that has wooden cards with holes to lace or “sew.” They show pictures of vehicles, including a train. Some crankiness set in at Ross. Lucas wanted a toy that I didn’t want to buy and he was getting tired. He conveniently waited until I was naked in the dressing room before he announced that he had to go potty. But I took it in stride. I bought myself a light jacket.

Other good things happened today too: Lucas napped! I worked for an hour. We bowled … inside. We visited Grandma Sydney, and when Ian and Papa got done with work, we all went out for Chinese food. And at bedtime, Lucas didn’t fuss or argue.

And now, after 14 1/2 good hours with my son, I can finally turn my attention to my husband. Goodnight.

I’ve learned that if a kid doesn’t know something exists, he doesn’t want it. That was certainly true in the case of candy, french fries, ice cream, and toy guns. I realize I cannot protect my son from every awful thing, but I can try to delay his exposure to things he is not yet ready for. I think some might call me overprotective. But if you heard the things he says, and what he’s afraid of….

Lucas currently is thinking a lot about monsters and bullies and Star Wars lately. Now, I’m very fond of Star Wars (at least, I’m fond of the three original films), but Lucas sees all the promotional stuff about Star Wars 3 (which is pretty terrible, after all, the hero becomes the villain) and pictures of Darth Vader everywhere. Lucas sees toys and cereals and all kinds of stuff with Vader on it, and has developed a morbid fascination with him. I’ve explained to Lucas that he cannot watch Star Wars or have Darth Vader toys/costumes, that it is something for bigger boys and girls, because there are very scary parts and Darth Vader is a bad guy. Now Lucas asks me for a nice Darth Vader toy—one that is smiling and happy. The marketing people have done their job perfectly—he somehow KNOWS that kids should have these things!

This is all from the boy who is too afraid to watch PBS kids shows, like Sesame Street because of the monsters, or the Wiggles, or even Barney sometimes. We’ve pretty much had to cut out ALL TV viewing, even shows that I used to let him watch occasionally, such as Clifford the Big Red Dog and Boohbahs. My advice to others, even though—believe me—I know how very impractical it is: No TV. Maybe those Waldorf people were right all the while. And even though we’ve been pretty damned careful with his TV exposure, never allowing him to see grown up shows or movies, it seems we’ve still let him see too much, given his current fears and anxiety and aversion to TV and movies.

Or, perhaps it’s a function of his age. At 1 or 2 years old, Lucas didn’t understand plot, didn’t recognize it when characters were being mean to each other, didn’t have a concept of bad guys or empathize with the good guys. At 3, however, he does. He doesn’t even like to see good characters frowning or expressing negative emotions.

The bully idea, unfortunately, was introduced on one page of a story book we have. There’s a picture of a bigger boy shaking a little boy (with little squiggly lines to represent the shaking), and the text is something about … “if I had an octopus for a pet, the bullies would never pick on me or my friends.” (The book is a funny story all about how cool it would be if I had an octopus for a pet.) Now Lucas brings up bullies every couple of days. He wants to know if they’re real, if they pick on little kids, and whether they will be nice if we are nice to them. He’s actually WORRIED about bullies! I tell him that mommy and daddy and teachers will protect him from bullies, and that we don’t know any bullies at all, and that if he’s every made to feel uncomfortable or scared by another person, he should tell a grown up.

I sense we’re in the midst of a significant cognitive and emotional change.

We were eating lunch at Applebees today and Lucas made a funny connection. But I’ll get to that in a minute.

The backstory here is that Lucas really loves eating at restaurants. Pretty much any restaurant will do—Japanese, Mexican, Korean, seafood, etc. And he’s a good eater—one who likes a variety of foods, including vegetables and even fish. But at the ripe old age of three, he’s sophisticated enough to have realized that certain “family” restaurants offer kids’ menus that feature foods that mom and dad don’t fix at home: corn dogs, pizza, grilled cheese sandwiches, cheeseburgers, macaroni and cheese. (Well, occasionally we fix hot dogs, or macaroni and cheese.) To Lucas, however, these entrees are not the most enticing part of kids’ menus. The best part is that they always come with french fries!

By now, Lucas has also been exposed, little by little, to fast food. Ian and I have taken him once or twice to Carl’s Jr., Jim Boys, and Taco Bell. These are the fast food joints that somehow seem the least objectionable to me, in terms of their food (not their politics). I’m probably fooling myself about that, but still. Those are my feelings.

A grandma has taken it upon herself to educate Lucas further by taking him to McDonalds and Burger King (where you get Star Wars toys), and to create in Lucas’s mind the happy association that McDonald’s restaurants really are called “Old MacDonald’s”—you know, the guy with the farm and the song about the vociferous farm animals? It’s a pretty natural cognitive leap on the part of a preschooler, but not an association that I am happy he has made. Grandma has encouraged this and calls it “Old MacDonald’s” now too. She’s also explained to him that even if mommy thinks it’s junk food, it’s OK to have junk food once in a while.

And there’s where I grin through gritted teeth.

Lucas now recognizes many of the fast food joints by sight now. As we drive through town, he points these chain food stores out and begs to be taken to them for lunch or dinner or “second dinner.” McDonalds, Burger King, “Taco Bells,” Applebees, “Jim Boy Oh Boy,” Carl’s Jr., Baskin Robins. So in case you were wondering if marketing really works on kids, let me tell you: It does. “happy meals” and “play places” and toys that come with kids’ meals are exactly what appeals to very small humans.

Now we have daily conversations about the faults and merits of fast food/junk food. I explain that junk food isn’t healthy for growing bodies, or really any bodies. Lucas says, “But it tastes good, mom.” He’s decided that the real culprit at fast food restaurants, the real reason mommy doesn’t like them is the french fries. Now any restaurant that serves french fries is a junk food restaurant.

So, back to lunch today at Applebees. Here the kids’ menu offers a choice of french fries or vegetables or applesauce. Before the waiter could run say the whole list of side options including “french fries,” I hastily shouted, “vegetables!”

Phew, dodged that bullet.

Alas, french fries came with daddy’s food.

“Mom, are these junk fries or good fries?”

“… Um … How do they taste?” I ask, buying time to think.

“Good.”

“Well, this restaurant serves mostly good food,” I say (even though I’m looking at the naked corn dog stick in his apple-shaped wire food basket), “so I guess it’s OK to have french fries here, once in a while, as long as you don’t eat them often or eat too many.”

Pause

“So this is slow food.”

So, one of the things about this current lifestyle of mine is that I’m basically out of touch with everything besides my immediate deadlines and my son’s behavior-challenge of the moment. Life around here isn’t exactly exciting, it’s domestic, and businessy, and … well, pretty fucking grand.

Some stuff is happening though. You can read about it if you want to.

1. SOCIAL: I’m finally on livejournal. I’m scared to death that I’ll be here every potentially billable hour for which I have childcare and therefore sink rapidly into the rolls of the underemployed. Alas, whatever discipline, and “good study habits,” and will-power I have developed will have to prevail. I’m also afraid that I’ll write poorly and people will laugh because I’m an editor and stuff.
Anyway, I look forward to keeping in touch with you all more.

2. BUSINESS: I just emailed off Invoice # 100! I’ve been in business for myself for 2 years now. (Anniversary was Aug 22.) I feel some unexpected pride when I contemplate that nice, round number: 100. Here’s to success!

3. DOMESTIC: Yesterday afternoon, my daycare lady unexpectedly dumped us–2 business days from the start of the school year. Actually, she closed her doors and will not be having a preschool program this year. It has to do with her getting her own life in order–which is something I generally encourage and respect–but not at the expense of the order of our lives! Now we’re scrambling to find another preschool/daycare placement for Lucas. Yikes!! And yes, I’m pretty mad about it. Not only did she make her decision to quit and NOT CALL ME, but I had to call HER yesterday in the hopes of finding out what’s the story on school starting next week–like, what day does it start? What times? Are there any new rules that I don’t know about, new parent info packets, school supplies or special Waldorfy clothing that must be purchased beforehand?
Ex-teacher grudgingly explained that she had made a really HARD decision not to provide a program this year. It was really HARD for her, because she really LOVES my son. It’s just been so HARD to decide.
Something inside my head pretty much snapped when I heard, for the 8 billionth time this year, how HARD it is for her. I am tired of her sob stories; I have heard too many of them to care anymore. I’ve been so supportive of her and her program–her best advocate. I’ve referred my friends to her school. I’ve offered to help her get the word out to area mothers’ groups. Showed her inexpensive places to advertise her business. Accommodated her occasional schedule hiccups and illnesses without backup. Overlooked her flakiness and attributed it to her etheric Waldorf nature that is essential for small children.
How about this for HARD: It’s HARD to find childcare you can trust. It’s especially HARD when you have high standards like I do. Lucas will never attend a McChildCare.com. It’s HARD to find a good preschool program 2 business days before the start of the school year!!!
Ex-teacher wants to provide closure for Lucas. To give him a gift and let him come and choose a pumpkin from the pumpkin patch they planted together in her yard earlier this summer. I have to decide if I want that for him.
How about this for HARD: I have to explain to my son that the teacher who loves him is not his teacher anymore–that his friends from preschool will be splitting up–that we will no longer be able to walk just down the street together in the cool early mornings to go to school, nor will I be able to carry my sleepy son home in my arms on days when he’s played so long and earnestly that he oversleeps.
For the first time, I have to explain why people sometimes leave us.
That’s HARD.

Monday, July 18, 2005

“Mama, tomorrow I will cry all day. When the sun comes up I will cry and the sun will cry. When I cry, the sun cries. When I cry, the moon cries. When I cry, the earth cries. And when I cry, the water cries.”
–after 45 minutes of bedtime protest crying on 7/18/05. (The first time we have had this kind of bedtime tantrum display in probably more than a year.)

Many deep breaths later, after I returned to work in the office, the crying began again. Then, we heard gagging sounds. Ian went into Lucas’s bedroom and found Lucas in his crib sticking his fingers down his throat, trying to make himself throw up.

Ian threatened to take Baby Tidoo away if Lucas made himself throw up. More deep breaths were breathed.

It’s now 9:48 and quiet. It’s 1 hour and 18 minutes since we first put Lucas to bed. Oh my word! Are we in trouble!

Tuesday, August 30
We charming Wilsons went on our second-ever Family Camping Trip last weekend. It was really wonderful, and a much better time than our first camping trip at Brannan Island last month.
This time, we went to Calaveras Big Trees State Park. It was car camping, but in a gorgeous location with nice big campsites. My only complaint was that we could hear the cars on the highway, but a look at the whole map suggests that there are many sites farther away from the road where you probably can’t hear the traffic noise.