I’m Crazy
How come I can look in a mirror one day and think, “Cool. I look hot, all things considered,” then the next day I look in the mirror and hate myself for having gained weight? Why is it that my self-perceptions change, sometimes from one moment to the next? Why is it possible to enjoy my meals with gusto, happily indulge in dessert, and then wake at 2 a.m. wracked with guilt about those uncessary calories? It’s constant justification and then self-flagellation in my head. I tell myself that I don’t have to kill myself to loose the 13 pounds I want to lose: It’s been a big, eventful, baby-producing year for me, after all. Then I tell myself that I am not a worthy human being if I don’t discipline myself to eat less, exercise constantly, and look skinny, like a 20-something who hasn’t had kids. I should be back to my size 6 that I worked so hard to fit into after Lucas was about 2.