Today, Lucas gave me a little gem of advice while he attempted to grope me:

“Have another baby and make some more mama milk!”

So, I’ve been working out pretty steadily for almost two months. I’m back in the swing of things now (the first 3-4 weeks are always the hardest). I’ve made some room for exercise in my life. Today I hit the gym after I dropped L off at school and worked on the treadmill. I’m thinking of trying out one of the yoga DVDs that Kimkim lent to me, but I probably should work tonight instead—Blah. Tomorrow evening is yoga class; I’m looking forward to it because I didn’t go on Monday.

It’s time to step it up now, I think. Time to increase a couple of variables (duration, intensity) and see where that leads me. My friend H asked me if I wanted to do a triathlon with her in July. Sounds fantastic and terrifying, but honestly, I don’t think I’m ready for any such thing.

I indulged in carbs a few times lately, mostly related to my birthday. I can’t resist the naan at the Indian restaurant, so when I picked that establishment for my birthday dinner, I knew I’d be binging. The good news is twofold: 1) I enjoyed the food immensely, and 2) I did not instantly blimp up. I know I can just go back to eating low-carb and exercising and be fine. (I’m not always that calm and confident—sometimes I’m kind of panicky about losing my discipline. But today, I feel secure.)

I want to get my bike fixed up so I can go riding on the bike trails (I think I have a few friends who would be interested in going with me).

Lucas and his buddy from school, Joseph, are playing in the other room right now. They’ve been here about 50 minutes; I picked them both up from HT preschool today. Joseph is the younger of Lucas’s teacher’s two sons. He’s sweet and a little wacky. Although Lucas is 4 and Joseph is 5.5, they are playing beautifully together. Naturally, Joseph is busy exploring all of Lucas’s toys, and Lucas is happily sharing them. The first thing Lucas asked me this morning was, “Is this the day of my playdate with Joseph?”

So, I’m 34 now, as of yesterday. It was a peaceful and fun birthday. I worked, and got a new project. I heard from or saw many of my dearest friends. My dad, grandmother, and brother all called me. Theresa called, by a happy cell phone accident, but still it was great to hear from her. I got cards and emails and gifts from clients and family and friends. I had a perfect evening out with folks at one of my favorite family-friendly restaurants, where the food is reliably yummy (if not spectacular) and the kids can run around without bothering anyone. Thank you, everyone who joined my little celebration. I’m feeling very loved!

Last Saturday, Lucas and Ian took me to the nursery and turned me loose. Although I walked into the place telling myself, “Be Reasonable,” “Don’t Spend a Lot of Money,” “Be Frugal,” “Don’t Be Greedy,” nevertheless, I wasn’t frugal and I was greedy. We bought verbena, mallow, Japanese aralia, geraniums, and a couple other things whose names I can’t remember. We have so much ground to fill up! These plants represent just a drop in the acreage, but little by little, our yard is becoming “landscaped.” (I love flowers, so I almost never buy anything that doesn’t flower.) The weather was so perfect and cool on Saturday that we managed to get everything we bought planted. It was a wonderful day. Thanks guys!!

Thanks to Kimkimkaree, I got a birthday party (for me and Heather) last Saturday night. Games aren’t really my thing, but it was swell to see all my darlings and to eat blueberry pie—and to stay out late despite Lucas’s bedtime. Thanks Kimkim! I love you!

Last Sunday I caught up with my mother. I took her to the movies and shopping for Mother’s Day. It was neat to spend time with her. We saw “Over the Hedge” because there wasn’t much else that we were interested in seeing. It was cute and sometimes funny, but perhaps not worth more than a matinee or rental. We prowled around in Old Folsom afterward. She found gifts for the support staff at AR, and I bought her some fancy soaps. Mom doesn’t indulge in much of anything for herself, so I try to get her simple and luxurious French soaps once in a while.

Mom and dad gave me jewels; Ian gave me fairly wings, plants and hard labor, and perfume; Parnasus gave me a lovely handmade Spring doll and the Bs offered to babysit some evening. H gave me a beautiful necklace and earrings. FIL provided some cash that went to plants. RoRo wants to take me shopping at the nursery (yay!). My MIL, S-FIL, and sisterIL will celebrate with me next week.

That’s the news from my little corner of the world. I am blessed a thousand thousand times to have the friends and family that I have.

My boys treated me to a terrific Mother’s Weekend. On Saturday we visited the Whole Earth Festival in Davis. We took Amtrak to get there: this is a very expensive way to get to Davis. However, I live with train freaks, so it seemed like the right thing to do. It was Lucas’s first Amtrak trip and he enjoyed it a lot.

At the festival we saw the man named after a nut, and Pirate Girl and our friends Kelly and Ambrosia. We danced to the live music, wandered around, and Lucas painted pictures and played with bubbles. It was a very fine way to spend a Saturday. Lucas was a trooper until I unwisely pointed out a tie-dyed stuffed elephant and suddenly he had to have it. “Please, please, please, please, please!” (He did not come home with a tie-dyed stuffed elephant.) By that point it was past naptime and he was pooped. Lucky for Lucas, daddy carried him part of the way back to the train station in Davis.

On Sunday I was presented with two gifts. Lucas gave me a rose-quartz heart necklace with a light blue gem called iolite. The heart is big and heavy, and it rests right over my heart chakra. The heart is for love and the blue stone represents Lucas, I’m told. He picked it out. Ian gave me a beautiful bracelet made of shells (abalone?) that have pale rainbow hues. I like my gifts very much!

We visited with Kelly and Ambrosia at church, and with my parents and grandmother and grandaunt at dinner. In between, we had a nap. Perfect.

Today I had my running date with B.
Alas, it did not go quite as flawlessly as I had fantasized a couple of weeks ago, but some of the fantasy came true: B was beautiful and trim and athletic in matching running tank/shorts, the sun was shining and the trail was lovely, we had fun and talked and laughed. Running in the hot sun (even at 10 a.m.) is NOT the same as running on a treadmill in an A/Ced gym. I feel silly for having thought it would be comparable. It was fairly tough for me and we had to alternate running with walking. Nevertheless…

+ I did not have an asthma attack and freak her out
+ My knees, legs, ankles, and feet were fine
+ B can pee in the wilderness without getting weird
+ The scenery was lovely
+ We got to know each other more
+ B was gracious and kind
+ She invited me back to her place afterward (No, not like that)
+ She suggested we try biking because she knows a little cafe in Folsom you can bike to

That last bit has my insecure self wondering if she suggested the biking because I’m a lousy running partner (which, for a marathon runner in training, I probably am). The secure parts of me look forward to biking and enjoying the cafe with her.

I’m in a great space now (fitnesswise) where I’m willing to try just about anything (fitnesswise). I’m trying to keep it interesting to keep my motivation strong, and although rhythm is a beautiful thing, spontaneity is the spice of life. So, sure, I’ll go biking!

B’s marathon is in slightly more than 2 weeks in San Diego. I’m really excited for her.


The yoga classes I’ve been taking are great! I’m really liking them and I’m feeling much stronger in a relatively short period of time. They are simultaneously challenging and relaxing. Weird. I do not feel like a complete dweeb in yoga class, partly because they tell you to do what you can do and don’t do more, and partly because I can do most of it. I leave class feeling like a noodle, and I think I’m beginning to understand what “core strengthening” means. My back is feeling terrific. I’m still seeing the chiropractor, but only once a month now for maintenance.

It’s getting harder and harder to capture a conversation I’ve had with Lucas on paper. His conversational skills are much greater now, and his ideas are way more complicated than before. Now I can’t hold his speech in my head long enough to jot it down. I mention this because I don’t want anyone to think things around here are less hilarious than they used to be. They’re not!

Four is shaping up to be volatile and exciting!
Four is boastful, hot-tempered, sweet, fascinated, and full of brilliant ideas. Four wants to be a fire fighter when he grows up instead of a train engineer (gasp!). Four wants to do it himself, all by himself. Four is still a girl, but is still sometimes a baby girl and sometimes a 7-year-old and sometimes a “17-year-old in the 7th grade.” Four loves to dig, play tag, and race you. In fact, if you accidentally arrive anywhere before Four, he will scream and cry and insist that he beat you and came in first. Four is very quick to tattle and freak out if we break a rule, whether we know about the rule ahead of time or not. Four is good at censuring parents who say no to any request: “That’s not nice, Mom. You’re not allowed to say that to me. It’s rude! I’m mad at you.” Four also has new interests: robots, astronauts, fire fighters, dinosaurs. Four is helpful around the house, but only when he wants to be, meaning that anytime you ask him to help around the house, he’s “busy”: “I’m sorry, Mom. I can’t do that right now. I’m very busy doing something else. Sorry!”

Four has developed an alter-ego (besides Tidoo). This character’s name is Nukey or Nukey Monkey. Nukey Monkey is atrocious and rude and teasing and full of gibberish songs and tricks. Nukey Monkey makes me think of Loki or Coyote; I really don’t like it when Nukey Monkey comes visiting.

Four is obsessed with drawing! He can’t get enough and is producing many masterpieces each day (crayon, paint, pencil, and ink). Four now draws human figures, complete with eyes, mouth, nose, hat, body, arms, fingers, legs and feet. Four likes to draw volcanoes including Mount St. Helens, cannons, pirate ships, army people with swords, robots with wheels or big claws, fire, suns, trees, clouds, trains, cars, and Nukey. I’ve seen him draw exactly one picture with flowers in it: he gave it to Ambrosia for her third birthday. (I’m jealous.)

Four leaves the house to start his day each morning with ease and he hardly remembers to kiss me goodbye. Four fights me each day when I pick him up from school because he’s so involved in playing with his friends he doesn’t want to come home. Four would rather eat with his hands, or even by picking up food from his plate with his mouth, like whenever he’s playing beaver, for example; this is not allowed.

Four likes salsa! Four can get dressed by himself, but won’t if you ask him to do it. Four still prefers to be naked at just about any time of day. Four doesn’t want me to cut his hair because he wants it to be long like Ella’s. Four is getting along great now with Jackson (4), Joseph (5), and seems to look up to Quintin (7) quite a lot. Four would like me to arrange play dates with almost every classmate. Four is very excited about starting Kindergarten in the fall.

In a nutshell, Four is wild.

I’ve not been posting much because this letter has been clogging up the flow. I finally finished it. It was harder to write than I expected.

Sappy and nostalgic Birthday letter to Lucas lies behind the cut.

May 15, 2006
Dear Lucas,

It’s so hard to believe it, but you’re four years old now. You are so big and strong, and so independent! Life with you is exciting—you fill me with wonder and awe every day. Through your learning, I have learned about the world. Through your loving, I have learned to love more deeply and more completely than I ever thought possible. Your smile is like the sun breaking free of the clouds after a rainstorm. You light up my life like I never knew possible.

I hope that I will write many more Birthday Letters to you throughout your life. I think I’m writing the first one now because I was so wrapped up in your care when you were younger, I didn’t find the time to write you a letter. I always meant to do it.

You have changed so much in just the last few months. I try to write down some of what happens in our lives together, but so much happens every day, I can’t possibly capture it all. You are growing up so fast. Some days, we wake up and your daddy and I think, my goodness, Lucas has changed overnight, while he was sleeping! It seems as if during the night, your angel teaches you new things, or perhaps you figure them out all on your own in your dreams. And the next morning, like magic, you have new skills, new words and phrases, new brilliant ideas, or whole new ways of playing and seeing the world around you. And I love this about you. You fascinate me; you challenge me. Every day, we learn things together. Sometimes I teach you. Every day, you teach me.

I admire you, Lucas. You’re still small, but I can tell already what a marvelous person you are. I can tell that you are clever and strong-willed—these are very important traits to have. You are also sensitive and empathetic to others. You care about how people feel and you often do your very best to make them feel safe and happy. When I watch you taking care of your friends or your doll, I feel very proud of you. And I feel your dad and I are teaching you well. What a big and generous heart you have! I also admire how you bravely try new things, go new places, experiment, jump into projects, and make new friends. Your enthusiasm is inspiring. Your example makes me want to do new things that I’ve never done before, or try things that I stopped doing a long time ago.

Some days are tricky. Sometimes it’s hard for us to figure out what you need most. Sometimes what you need most is not what you want. I wish I could say that I was patient and loving 100% of the time. But I’m only human. Sometimes you get impatient with me, like when I don’t understand something you’re trying to explain to me, or when I accidentally help you too much, or when you’re trying to convince me that staying up late is a good idea and I say no. Believe me, it’s much easier to say yes to you than to say no. Your dad and I sometimes say no because we love you with all of our hearts.

We love you in so many ways: We love you by giving you good, healthy food; by paying attention to your words, and also to your body language; by encouraging you to make friends and to be a good one; by keeping you close to your family and surrounding you with a community of friends who know how special you are; by providing you a home that is happy and safe, full of interesting books and things to play with; by allowing you to move and explore and learn about the world; by trusting your choices, your likes and dislikes; by letting you sing, and dance, and get dirty; by being the best examples of loving partners we can be; by challenging ourselves to learn more, be better people—parents of whom you can be proud; by trying to solve every just-in-case problem before it happens; by educating your head, your heart, and your hands every day.

We love you.
Mama

Filtered, as usual.

Gym last Friday. Treadmill. 40 mins or so. I don’t remember.

Unfortunately missed my yoga class on Monday due to a business call at 6 pm. Cindy is the teacher I like, so that’s a bummer. I’m going to try to do yoga Mondays and Wednesdays. I really like it a lot. It’s relaxing, challenging in a whole new way, and it’s building all-over strength really quickly. I can feel it in my upper body especially, and my legs and back really appreciate the stretching aspects, especially because the running I do tightens up my hamstrings terribly. I feel kind of unhinged or more flexible through my hips and torso after yoga. I like that.

Gym yesterday (Tuesday). Went to the one near Lucas’s school, right after I dropped him off. Treadmill for 65 mins both walking and jogging. It was pretty fun because I ran into Tina and she walked on the treadmill next to me for a long time. Chatting with a friend was entertaining and helped to pass the time. I know I would have gotten bored after about 40 minutes and stopped, but we were in mid conversation, so I kept going. Voilà. 440 calories according to the machine, but I don’t know if I can trust that because I’m certain the HR on the machine was wrong. That was no 115-bpm running I was doing at 4.3 miles per hour!

I can see rippling muscles in my legs. There’s a vertical line down the side of my thigh showing my quads, and there’s less jiggle in the rear. Yay. I keep asking Ian to notice because I’m vain and I crave praise.

Yoga tonight if Ian can get home in time for me to make it to class.

I’m happy because there’s a rhythm establishing now, even though I crave new experiences and modalities. Unfortunately, my running date with B last week didn’t work out. I’m hoping we can reschedule soon. Spinning sounds fun, but scary. Maybe I’ll check out the schedule. I’ve never tried that before…

Yesterday I asked both my mom and Ian’s mom if either set of grandparents might be willing to babysit Lucas for *gasp!* a whole weekend. We are hoping to go out of town for our 11th anniversary in early June. This is what my mother-in-law wrote back to me (minus the details about babysitting):

“What! You guys want time to yourselves??? 🙂 I’m sure we can figure something. … Either way, make your plans for your big weekend.

“I do want to tell you how proud I am of both of you for making your marriage work. You two have done a great job from what I can see. Keep up the good work. Everyone has bumps in the road, disappointments, and upsets but the flip side is the joy and committment. In my vast experience with marriage, I have decided that the difference in a marriage that works and one that doesn’t is that you just don’t leave. Anyway, congratulations!! And from my selfish point of view, I am thrilled to see that my son is happy and thriving. (You’ll get that later when Lucas takes off on his own). Thank you!
Love you much,
Mom”

Awwww! Thanks MIL, I love you too. Thanks for raising up such an amazing, loving, and devoted man to be my husband. I hope I can do the job raising Lucas as well as you did raising Ian.